Advice please!

[MrsRaikkonen]

Aaaargh I can't sleep! This is going to be quite long so please bear with me!

I've managed to bag a place at University starting in September, but this means moving quite a way from home. My son is now 7 and has always had regular contact with his dad at weekends. However, back in November when I told him about moving away he was in no way supportive and applied for a residence order, which he didn't get - I was granted one instead. Because of all the fuss my ex was making, there was a condition attached to the order saying that I cannot take my son out of his school until the end of the school year - this condition was really to make sure I didn't disappear before the issue of contact was sorted out (a defined contact order has since been made).

Unfortunately I did not see the problems that this condition would cause. I have been searching for an affordable house to rent near the Uni for the last few months and I have found THE perfect house, it is very near a friend of mine and she is going to be invaluable (collecting kids from school etc..) but it won't be available for long. My ex is now refusing to let me take my son before the end of term, which would mean losing the house and possibly leaving us all having to stay with my friend until I find another house, otherwise I might miss the start of my Uni course.

The only way around this that I can see is leaving my son with my aunt, who is close to my son, so I can move to the new house with my other 2 children and my son could stay at his school, but this would break my heart. I have worked my backside off for the opportunity to go back to Uni and I see it as the only way out of the rut I have been in for several years since the split with my ex! If I did this, I would be away from my son for 7 weeks in total as his dad is taking him on holiday for the first 3 weeks of the school holidays.

It is so important that I move soon, as I cannot find the kids places at new schools until I have a local address, even though I have been in contact with the local schools trying to find them all a place. The council are reluctant to house me as I have no real local connection, I have been on the list for a year now with no luck at all. I just feel so trapped and I really don't want to let this opportunity go, especially as I have worked so hard and the kids are so excited about going, and it would absolutely break my heart to be away from my little boy for so long.

I have been in contact with my solicitor, but it is unlikely that I would get a court date before I move, so my only hope is to get the ex to agree to my son coming with us, but it is more likely that hell will freeze over

What can I do???!

Thanks for reading!

Agree with your ex so your ds stays with his father and go to university.

That way he won't have to face a new area, new school, lose his friends nor be isolated from his family.

I don't think it's fair on children to make them face the above unnecessarily and your (and your ex's ds) can benefit from the fact he has two loving parents.

OK - deep breathe! Break it down, step by step.

1 You are going to university - well done!

2 You don´t want to leave your son for seven weeks. So, don´t. It is ONLY a house. There will be others. Your friend will put you up or another house will appear.

3 You will sort schools when you get there.

Take a step back. Be proud of yourself. Be happy you are moving and enjoy the moment. You will find a house. You will get schools for all your children. It will work out. Yes, it is annoying that you can´t go now - couldn´t you get a variation on the order? - but it is only a hiccup.

You can't do anything, the court order is in place for a reason. If I were you I would get your ex to have him for those 4 weeks and see him weekends, or take the house you want but don't move until the end of term, it is only a 1 month overlap.

I will be brutally frank with you and hope it is not taken as being mean, it is not meant that way.

Moving schools mid term is tough, very tough on a child. Being the new kid is rubbish but, at least being the new kid at the end of the long holidays means he has some chance of integrating easily. Friendships are looser after the break when lots of kids don't see each other much. you are prepared to make life potentially very difficult for your own child - for a house??

Your child has two parents, use that to your (and his) advantage. You are moving him away from his dad, some concentrated time with his dad before the move might do them both an awful lot of good, cementing that relationship, at this stage, would be great - for your son.

is thre any reason he should not spend the time with his father, who clearly loves and cares deeply for his son and is thinking about his welfare?

OK, thanks for the replies!

I have never been against my son having contact with his dad, I have always tried to encourage it, however, my son does not always want to go to his dad's and recently has been refusing to go at weekends, with his dad not encouraging him much either.

The main problem about leaving my son with my ex is the fact that he does not communicate with me, and by that I mean I was not told that he had got married, I was not told when he had another baby, I do not have his telephone number, I don't know where he works etc - all things that have affected my son in some way. He has also refused to return my son after contact before and I have another court order to try and prevent that from happening again, though it is no guarantee. He is abusive towards me in front of our son at 'handover' and sometimes my older children beg me not to answer the door to my ex.

I also know that my ex works long hours, so my son would be left with an unfamiliar childminder and wouldn't really see that much of his dad anyway.

I would not be sending my son to school for the last few weeks of term - I agree that it is less disruptive if he starts his new school in September at the beginning of the year, most children in our extended family are home schooled so it is not an alien concept.

So you plan to home school him for the last few weeks? Ok, I understand where you are coming from now.

I still don't think there is much you can do other than consider either letting the house go or having a 1 month overlap on your tenancies. Is there a reason an overlap won't work?

Sometimes as parents we have to realise we can't have everything we want and make some sacrifices.

Is it still possible to maintain the defined contact specified in the contact order after you move?

An overlap is not possible - I am on income support and rely on housing benefit to cover my rent. I have had to arrange a loan just to cover the cost of the removals. My ex refuses to offer extra financial help, he didn't even pay the CSA for 2 1/2 years.

After a 6 month long court case regarding the residence order, CAFCASS stated in their report that my ex is guilty of emotional abuse and my son is much better off staying with me. My ex actually withdrew his application after his solicitor read the report. The defined contact after I move is 3 times a year (a week at Christmas, a week at Easter and 3 weeks in the summer hols) which will suit us just fine. My ex is unwilling to negotiate any extra contact and I have tried. At the moment my ex sees my son on a Saturday, so if I leave my son with my aunt he is really only going to have contact for 4 extra days in total. As a compromise I would be willing to let my son stay with him for 4 extra days in the summer, but he is refusing.

Goodness, it is a difficult one, I just don't see anyway around the court order if your ex is going to push it.

Are you sure there is no way to convince the landlord to let you take it 4 weeks later?

My stupid ex has never made it a secret to me that he intends to ruin my life, as I did his by having a baby. Even when I was pregnant the only communication I got was text messages saying 'I wish I had never met you, bitch' etc. He is not doing this out of love for his son, he is doing this to get back at me. The last time I was doing well for myself he refused to pay child support meaning I could no longer afford my childcare bills, and he has even seen us lose our home before without any offers of help.

I can have a word with the estate agent and see what they say - the house is owned by a lettings company and there was a lot of interest in the house so I don't have much hope, but it is always worth a try!

Hmm, I have a similar ex but mines tries his best to hide it and be sneaky.

Hopefully the agent will be able to come up with something, perhaps you could arrange to pay a holding deposit or something?

Im pleased about your university place. Well done you!

BUT 7yr old needs to stay with Dad.

If you want to go and fulfill your dreams... GREAT.. GO for it!! but dont drag your kids around with you when their father is there ready & willing to give them the stability that is required here.

The only reason you would be taking 7yr old around the country with you if for selfish reasons...

give yourself a reality check here & do the right thing!!

hope you see the light

Hi Mrs Raikonen
Well done you - getting a university place with three young children
Dont listen to those negative posts - they obviously have their own issues.
Housing will come - where there is a will there is a way - dont give up on your dreams

`when I told him about moving away he was in no way supportive'

Who would have thought it, eh? From my personal point of view I wasn't too supportive when my ex decided to do the same thing because she wanted a `fresh start' with her boyfriend. my ds now rarely sees his cousins, aunts, uncles and extended family because my ex put herself first.

Are you going taking your ds across the country (because you are going to university) because that is in his best interests or are you doing it because you want to go to university?

If your ex said he was moving away from your ds and would be seeing them less as a consequence because he was going to university...would that make him selfish?

Sauce for the goose...?

Once again, thank you all for your advice.

I would just like to explain that I am not taking my son away from his dad forever, we have already agreeed contact for when I move away - this includes extensive contact in the school holidays expressed as a bare mimimum in the contact agreement. The problem I am trying to discuss is the period between the 12th June and the end of the school term when I am reluctant to be away from my child for so long.

I am in no doubt that moving away is in the best interests of all my children. We would actually be living closer to my ex husband, the father of my older two children, who are really excited to be able to see their father on a more regular basis. Where I live now, I have no real support from anyone and I have struggled. When I move I will be near my lovely friends who will support me no matter what.

I have worked so damn hard to get to Uni as I know that even while I am studying I will be able to provide a better standard of living for my children and turning down the place I have been offered is most definitely not an option for me.

it shouldnt be all about you.
Im glad you have managed to get a place in Uni. It will be very fullfilling for you.
Its your littl un I feel sorry for. He should not be taken away from his father and his routine disrupted..something which, as a mother, you're only too keen to keep in control of.

I hope that you manage to see the light and that sone & father can be kept together

Good luck with your course!!

A fulfilled mother who can provide for her children and is doing something with her life is providing the best.
THe cafcass report has found he was emotionally abusive and you are ensuring contact continues.
The other posts obviously have their own issues and perhaps are really hurting but that doesn't mean you have to stay on income support and not better your family

And what about my other kids? Should they not see their father too? This discussion is not about contact! My son will still see his father on a regular basis. Going to Uni is not all about me, it is to provide a better life for my kids!! Are you really saying I should stay in my poky rented house in an area where the kids can't even play outside, where I have no support from anyone, live off benefits and be downright miserable for the forseeable future, just so my son can see his dad for a few hours a week, even though he is still going to see his dad if I move away?? Sorry, I just don't see how going to university is selfish at all.

Sunshine, I am a bit confused about what your problem is here? MrsR has made it pretty clear that the situation is already going to chnage. They have been to court and she was awarded custody with minimum holiday contact. The other two children stand to benefit and it sounds like they already have a better relationship with a better father. I just don't get what you are so angry about? No the situation is not ideal but any situation where parents are not together is not ideal, we all have to make the best of it for all concerned, which includes the mother.

MrsR, have you spoken to the landlord? I know I have, in the past, just said that I would like to tak the property from X date. I have never had a problem before, perhaps it is worth a try?

Thank you KingCanuteIAm, and also aprilflowers. I have spoken to the estate agent who is going to speak with the landlord to see if we can come to some sort of arrangement, I should know shortly (fingers crossed!).

Good luck, I hope it works out for you, oh and well done for getting in by the way