Teenagers and divorce

[welshmammy2009]

Just wondered if anyone had any advice on this.

I've recently split with my husband and we are going through a divorce, i have a 16 year old daughter who just doesn't want to talk about it and is bottling it all up.

Im worried because shes really caught in the middle because of her age she understands everything going on and to make it worse her dad isn't having any contact with her.

I don't want this to make her lose confidence in men i think she thinks that anyone she gets close to now is going to leave her.

I've tried to look for information on websites but most of them are aimed at younger children its like these websites think at 16 you shouldnt care if your parents split up

Any advice would be much appretiated

Don't really know what advice to give you, sorry, but wanted to reply.

I am in the same situation, just separated from dds father, she is 14 and i have two older late teen children. It is difficult when they are teenagers isnt it.... All i can say is keep talking to her and keep close to her. I am sure you are doing all that anyway, you sound like a lovely mum. My dd is very determined she will be living with her dad not me which is very hurtful and a different side of this problem to yours.

Not quite the same but I split with ex when my ds was 13. He was obviously v upset to start with and had a good cry, but I told him from the outset that it wasn't his fault in any way, he wasn't to blame and that we were still his parents no matter what.

After he got over the initial shock and he has done okay, apart from the odd 'normal' teenage tantrum. Even he said he can see that me and his dad get on better now that we aren't together anymore.

Have always answered any questions asked as honestly as possible and always reiterate he can ask me anything or talk about things whenever he likes.

I do think though that the main reason the dc's have come out of this fairly unscathed/unaffected is because XH and I get on very well, all very amicable and they know they can see their dad whenever they like.

Not sure if any of the above helps!

Hi

I left my exH when my children were 14 and 16. Neither of them ever wants to talk about it.

My daughter has seen a counsellor from Relate for teens. This was arranged through school.

My son does talk to me sometimes. I don't think you can do anything other than keep telling them that you will talk to them whenever they want to, and that you love them.

I worry myself sick every day that they are damaged by what I did. But I know they would have been even more damaged had I not left...I think its just the nature of being a mother. Guilt and worry none-stop!

I wish that my relationship with my exH was amicable, but it is not. I try to keep the nasty stuff away from the kids, but their father doesn't care what he says and does in front of them.

Sorry this is of no use whatsoever to you! But I do know where you are coming from with this.

Oh and forget to say...my exH has no interest in his daughter, and actually is actively nasty to her. This is the biggest problem really for us. I just tell her that he is not right in the head and its not her fault.

That goes for the rest of his family too.

I could do with some advice myself!!!!

My father left when we were 17, 15 and 12. He then proceeded to act like a twat of the highest order.

The separation and divorce were upsetting, but the twattish behaviour did the long term damage to our relationship with him.

The most important thing is that she is made to understand that whilst it would be entirely natural to think no one can be depended on - she can depend on you, to the hilt. I know that will be hard, and massive sympathy for your situation. If she can depend on you, she'll be OK.

That's very interesting Georgie. I have just decided to put my life on hold now until both my kids leave home. I am here for them always and try to be upbeat and positive for them.

It's very difficult , but its reassuring that you say what you do.

DO you feel as though you have come out of it okay?

I don't mean put your life on hold (my mum worked fulltime, she had no choice), just be sure they know you aren't going anywhere.

I am fine now, truly fine. We are all happily married with kids. It has made me fiercely independent (I work, and always will, although we could afford for me not to for example) and determined to paddle my own canoe, as it were, although I don't think it has made me less trusting in general. I trust my husband implicitly, but having lost my father, I know that if my husband decided to fuck off with someone else (which I truly don't believe he ever would) I know I would be fine. I've coped with worse and with fewer resources than I have now.

My dad left when i was 16 and like your daughter i choose not to talk about it. I never told anyone that my parents had split up not even my best friend its like i didnt want it to be real.

I regret not talking about it because im still hurting now 10 years on. I have no relationship with my dad my brother does though. I feel like a disappointment to him and everything i do in life its like im trying to impress my dad i want him to be proud of me.

I did lose confidencce in men when my dad left not just men i found it difficult to trust anyone, im still like that now i find it difficult to trust people and confide in them.

My advice is make your daughter talk to you she will regret it if she doesn't i know i do.