my 3 yr old son doesn't want to go to his Dad's what do i do?

[singlemumto1]

Hi i'll apologise in advance for ranting.

I have a young son who is 3 in 2 weeks time. He is waiting to see a speech therapist and his language is very limited.

I left my ex husband in january and thinks have been amicable since then. XH isn't vocal or sociable and never converses.

Initially i'd put my son in front of the webcam twice a week so that he could say hi to his dad. His dad came to collect him fron the house but son got very upset and wouldn't go. It became that i'd walk into town with him and we'd meet his Dad there at lunchtime on Saturdays and i'd do the same Monday mornings to collect son.

The webcam started dwindling. My son wasn't interested and was pratcically bribing him or 'chasing' him round the room so his dad could say hi. This past week i couldn't get my son to go online at all.

Last weekend when i asked him to get ready to go to his Daddys, he shook his head said no and pointed to me. I played about made a game of getting ready and we went into town as usual. As soon as we got near where we meet his Dad he dug his heels in and wouldn't got. i managed to talk him round but when his dad turned up took a few minutes for him to even loo at his dad. Eventually he went and was ok.

This weekend has been a total shambles.he wouldn't pack his bag to go (he takes rucksack with dvds so has something to watch cos his dad doesnt have any(diff story))took him into town and again starting shaking his head pointing to me and didn't want to go to where we meet his dad.

When he got to his dad he started crying and shaking his head and didn't want to go, i tried calming him gave him a cuddle trying to ersuade him to go. This went on for 15 mins because everytime his dad took him to cuddle him my son was pushing him away and gasping for breath ebcause he was crying that hard.
I decided in the end that i was bringing him home with me.

Brought him home had some lunch calmed him down. Then took him to his dad on bus, he was fine then we go to the house and wouldn't go near the front door. and i had to physicially take him arm and gently pull him across the threshold.

stayed 5 / 10 misn to try and calm him again and he was ok waved me off but the whole situation has got me wondering what the hell is going on and what can i do in future?

XH never gives me any info about wat they've done at weekend and my son can't tell me.

you need to speak to your Xh.

you need to find out whats going on.

yes. Something might be goin on.

yes. Something might be goin on. is ur xh bad-tempered?

Before jumping to conculsions creamcaremella we should find out how the child was after mum had left.

In the long-term it's much more beneficial for a child to have a long-term meaningful relationship with their father than any short-term distress.

i think the answer and problem lies in your original post.

problem being dad isn't very vocal/sociable....he needs to talk and talk when your son is around,he'd find that more reassuring than a mute adult who does nothing with him.

answer...take him to your ex's house,not town. you said he was fine there after 10 mins. drop him off and leave.

true. But do get affected that young?

I don't think he should be forced into seeing his father, could his father come to your house to visit him (too keep the contact)?

Dh and i have never forced his children to come to our house, DSD was 3 years old when dh and i got together and if she didn't want to come over we wouldn't make her, my step children are now 9, 13 and 15 and we always keep sundays open for them to come over, sometimes they come over, other times they don't, Dh is also happy to go and visit them at their home if they want. Dh still has a close relationship with his children even though he doesn't see them every week.

Thanks for all your responses.

I've tried talking to XH and asked him what they do, his reply was normal stuff..after much probing he said they wash the dishes, go to asda and visit XH parents (who also are socially stunted).

In theory i don't mind taking him to his dad's house but it's an 45min trip via 2 buses one way. Then on the Monday morning i have to walk into town to collect my son from XH when he's on his way to work.

Just thinking about it is exhausting, but i want to do whats best for my son.

My XH isn't bad tempered but neither is he good tempered he's sort of neutral shows not very much emotion.

I left in january and my son has been fine but the past 3 - 4 weeks the interest on my sons part has been waning.

he is always very hyper and quite naughty the friday and the monday but i've put that down to his lack of ability to vocalise his feelings.

My son doesn't respon well to his dad coming here to our house. He gets upset and very clingy and tends to keep his discatnce from his dad. Thats why i started taking him into town to meet his dad in the frist palce because he wouldn;t leave here and go with XH.

At age 3 I don't think a child is old enough to decide not to visit a parent. Small children don't like change and my youngest was 4 when we split and often wouldn't want to go to dad and then wouldn't want to come back to me. I made him go, was always positive about his dad and now both kids have a great relationship with them.
If my husband had had the kids I wouldn't expect not to see a primary school or preschool age child because they said they didn't want to come. Different with teenagers.
I would encourage dad to do more with them, and give him ideas of the sort of stuff to do. I don't think visiting grannie every weekend is that good for the child dad relationship and am glad my exes parents live some distance away as it's encouraged him to do more stuff on his own with the kids and be more confident with them.
They now have an outdoor club/activity each that they do when with their dad and look forward to doing different things with him than with me.
You have to think long term on this.

hi rebecca thanks.

I've suggested things for XH to do but he just won't do them. Tomorrow there is a big fun day at the football ground literaly across the road from his house. Free entry but i know he won't take him. The main reason for the divorce is that he wouldnt do anything as a family or with me.

he doesnt like holidays, wouldn't go on days out, never did any activities with our son like swimming.

Where his house is he is 10 minutes walk to the beach and 5 minutes walk to a park with a pond. He takes him to neither place.

The only time he takes him to the park is when they go to the supermarket. he cuts through the park and lets him out the pushchair to run about and does the same on the way home.

I'm not meaning to be awkward just trying to paint a picture of the situation

he's his dad,some people are naturally that way. we are all different i guess

im not disputing he's his dad. I have encouraged our son to see as much of his dad as is possible.

I'm just concerned that he isn't interacting with our son, and now he's not wanting to go.

I think it's important our son see's his dad bbut i don't know how to keep this going if he won't encourage it and our son is getting sstressed about going.

Hello. You are obviously concerned and you know your son better than anyone. If you have a gut instinct that things are not as they should be then follow that instinct. It is always better to err on the side of caution especially if you son is unable to convey in words what is making him so upset. It could be nothing more than boredom but you have to get to the bottom of this for his sake otherwise visits to his father could become so traumatic he is left with ill feeling toward him regardless of the circumstances.
I would suggest inviting him to mediation. Go to the Citizens Advice and ask them to give you the contact for this. They should be able to help. You may also be able to do this through a solicitor if you qualify for legal aid. You will then be able to encourage your ex to communicate with you about what happens when he has your son. If he refuses mediation I would take it to a solicitor in any case. It's worth looking into for the sake of your son and your own peace of mind.