So XP has DD every other weekend-does anyone else feel like me?

[whooosh]

Was dumped after 15yrs for a mutual friend (which is probably irrelevant) 7 weeks ago.
She has DD every other weekend (not at OW house) and has a wonderful life with no responsibility other than 2 days every other week.
I cannot afford a babysitter when DD is here and also don't feel like I can ever switch off when DD is not here.My phone is glued to my side in case she needs me,because as "Mum" I have to be there for her.
Am beginning to resent the great life XP has compared to me- 12 days and nights do do what the hell she likes with no responsibilty.
I hate being the "bad guy" with "get dressed,do your teeth,homework,eat your veg etc etc".
I know that this resentment is not good but does anyone else feel the same?

My DCs go to their Dad's every other weekend and on Wednesday nights. They got back today overtired (he kept them up far too late), upset and confused as they're still not used to all this change (we've been living apart for 7 months). I feel utterly useless as a mum - my DS especially, who is 6, was so rude and difficult that I found it really hard not to get cross with him, and the bath/story/bed routine was a nightmare. Just felt that all I did was yell and nag.

They're going to the ex's again this weekend, and although I miss them I find it really difficult not to think that they're having a great, relaxed time there and I am an old nag. I feel the tension rise the minute they walk back through the door. I lash myself with guilt for separating them from their father, and seem to make a complete mess of my parenting.

God, sorry - didn't mean to go on quite that much!

By the way, I don't resent XDH's freedom that much - he's pretty lonely.

Any suggestions?

whooosh - you have my full support here as I am in a simular situation. My Ex Hubby has the children on a wednesday night and one day of every weekend. He gets to choose the day meaning that I am rarely able to arrange a night out due to him only deciding which day on the Thurs or fri before.

We have 4 Dc and i work full time and I don't think it's fair as I am exhausted most of the time.

Whenever the kids go across to his, he has his parents there to help him entertain them so never gets a taste of what it's really like on your own with 4 kids

I have been so low over this that I have been prepared to give up my maintainance payment in exchange for him having more access to the children but he says he's too busy !!! (playing cricket, night out each week at the cinema and another in the local playing darts)

I find it hard to 'think of myself as the lucky one' as Mutt suggested due to being totally knackered and overwhelmed most of the time.

i think in time it will get better for you, she won't be little forever and you can look back and think about the great job you have done on your own

I hope

sorry don't know why my message ended with I hope

Mutt-I do (on the whole) think of myself as "lucky" becasue I adore my DD and share far more special moments with her than xp.
However,am more with Brazenhussy as I too work full time (well try to).Xp has the choice of any full time job she wants-I can't becasue I have to manage holidays,school drop off/pick up etc-xp can just turn round and say "can't have mini-whooosh this weekend etc" and as Mum-I just don't have that option.
I don't begrudge DD whatsoever but I do begrudge xp having the life she wants with only minimal responsibility which she can ditch at the drop of a hat.
Just moaning I guess....sorry.

Give yourself time. We all know that resenting anyone else for their situation in life is completely pointless, and the only person it harms is the person thinking negatively - and all-too-often unfortunately, their nearest and dearest too. But you're only a few weeks into the breakup. To be feeling anything other than angry, bitter and resentful would make you superhuman!

I think I can speak for a lot of people on here who have been single parents long enough to get past the fallout stage. It does get easier, I promise. One day you'll find that instead of resenting your X, you'll actually pity her or feel nothing at all. You'll know on an instinctive and emotional level what Mutt means about being the lucky one. You can't do anything about your X's life, only your own. Life is full of unfairness - how come people like Baby P's mother can have several children yet those who would make wonderful parents can't get pregnant even with IVF? The trick is not to get caught up in the fairness (or lack of) in the wider world but just to concentrate on your own particular situation.

You can certainly do something about the 'bad guy' element. As the resident parent, it's something we all have to deal with (and our children thank us for it when they become grownups themselves), but if you can try to set up a good working routine, and try to make the routine fun rather than a chore, you can avoid a lot of these feelings of negativity. The routine of teeth, bad, bed is one of the ways you can cement a bond with your children. I cherish it with mine (though I'd be lying if I didn't admit to having the odd day where I feel I'll go mad doing it all over again - again). Even household chores can be worked as a family team effort with a bit of thought. They can even become sought-after if rewards are on offer (and they don't have to cost money).
I don't know what hours you work but can you fit in some time where you can just play or paint or go to the park?

Just a few suggestions, but please, don't give yourself a hard time. It's all still very raw. Go easy on yourself and you will feel more positive in time.

I completely understand. when ds1's father left I was SO angry with him at not having any of the responsibility.
He turned up (usually late and/or in a foul mood) and I would be feeling so nauseous I couldn't function, he didn't get it at all - anger after a break up is often very very hard to deal with.

I really hope you start to cope better in time - perhaps the way you feel is particularly intense at the moment as it's so recently that she has left, whatever the reasons were.

I mean I think you'll probably be feeling very low in yourself, and once you begin to regain a sense of who you are and how important you are, and that she is very much peripheral to your life together (you and dd) it will start to sting much less.

xx

Thank you all for your very wise words and kindness.
Deep down I know it will get better (well I have to believe that)and I know that bitterness and resentment is a far from attractive trait.
XP has DD this weekend and I just know I am going to miss her like mad but at the same time dread drop off and the inevitable fallout.
Optimist-I do find myslef trying really hard to make life fun with me and not always be the bad guy but it is exhausting isn't it?
Last night DD told me that "XP nevertells me off,even if I am naughty.You do Mummy".
Grrrrr

Oh yuck, yes that is horrid isn;t it - I had that from ds1 about Grandma, even though he doesn't see his father at all now. They find a way to make you feel like pants, ex partner situation or not!!

If you can find a moment, try and write down how you feel towards your ex and so on...it's often easier to figure out the convoluted emotions and separate them into manageable, comprehensible bits if it's on paper.
That way you'll be more prepared and stronger in your own sense of self next time you have a hand over.

whoosh - I am a year on and still feel a lot of what you talk about. Except the hard stuff has got easier. There are still times I think all that stuff - how easy it is for my ex, how tough and unfair life is, how difficult it is to do the best by my daughter and whether she will ever respect or like me. But I can still now put my hand on my heart and say she is the best thing that ever happened to me, I would have her 100% of the time if that were right, because I would do anything for her. Including, though it is so hard, sharing her with her father and encouraging that relationship.

Whoosh! Texted you today coincidentally. If you want to add 3 DC and a penguin (me) to the gang one weekend when you do have DD, if that, oddly, in any way at all would be helpful, we'll be there and run round a park together if you like.

How subliminal shineone! I deliberately don't buy them for packed lunch now!

Whooosh, did you see that thread?

Rofl!

Didn't see the thread but am now intrigued.

So Xp has DD now and all I know is "she is in bed".

Am sitting on the sofa with the cat and vodka is my friend.

Haven't had more than 4-5hrs sleep each night since XP left so plan a sleeping pill tonight to try and play catch-up.

Will clean the house within an inch of it's life tomorrow(twice probably,clean out hamster,do the ironing and also the shopping.
Then I have to fill Sunday till 4pm.....

jesus I am jealous
Sunday to fill
where are you? papers, lunch, film, walk omg I am sooo envious
and you get them back after! what's the catch?

Am sure in time I will "get into" the "me" time and will read papers again etc.Right now,it is all so new and raw I just miss DD and our life as a family before Xp left....

I hope you slept well, whoosh. Of course it doesn't feel good yet - it is different for different people I think. I can say that it gets easier in time, don't rush it, if all you can do is survive for a bit then that IS ok - and normal, many of us have felt that.

Whooosh I don't expect you to be at the 'enjoying it' stage yet in terms of appreciating the time alone and freedom.

In the past, for example after my divorce, I relished it and would have given my right arm for some me-time. Right now, that time is just wallowing time and without the structure of the DC's lives I go to pot really. I also know the feeling of not doing things en famille as one used to and how saddening that is. For me, I feel it most when I am dragging my butt off to do stuff with them and be jolly. Always the lone parent on the weekends at activity places or farms or wherever families go with the children on a weekend!

Last weekend I had the Sainsbury checkout person comment on how come I didn't have anyone to help me. Doesn't help being heavily pregnant with no parent in crime by my side.

Anyway, what's the score with adult company for you when DD is away? Did you have a lot of mutual friends or do you have, y'know, plenty of 'your own'?!

Now, not too much Vodka guzzling while you heal.

PS think of you often when I have to look at my grimbo varicose vein each day.

Well I survived the weekend "DD-less".Cleaned the house within an inch of it's life (again),ironed,cleaned again and then went for a drive and to the shops.
The trouble is,after 15yrs with someone,everything I do is filed with memories of the last time we went there together.I really struggle with that.
I try to plan to be busy when DD is away but most of our friends have children and it just feels odd without DD.
Handover was good today though,DD was in a good mood and although I suspect she was allowed to sleep this afternoon (as has only just settled) she seemed pleased to be home rather than wanting to be with XP.
So tomorrow is Monday and we start all over again.......
Hobb-

just for you (and shineon)