Can he just stroll up after not seeing him for 4 years and get access?

[Julezboo]

I am so worried, firstly my ex has already taken us to court to get a contact order, he broke it in the first week, then when it did happen it was me doing the dropping off and nine times out of ten he wouldnt be in or i would get abuse from his partner, plus when their first child was born he told me he couldn't afford my son anymore

Now we live 200 miles away, he has a little brother, i am due to get married in 7 weeks time it has been a rough few years with losing babies, splitting up, getting back together, now we are finally settled.

He has decided (probably after hearing through my friends who live near him that i'm getting married) that he now wants access again, shared care over the summer holidays after not seeing him since his 3rd birthday. He was 7 last month!

DS is a senstive little boy anyway i just feel it's a bit wrong that he can pick him up and drop him like a toy when he gets bored

To answer your question directly: yes. Unless you can demonstrate that your DS's emotional and/or physical well-being is at risk from a relationship with his father, your X will be granted access. However, after an absence of 4 years, the court will likely suggest that access be built up slowly. For example, beginning with phone calls and working up to a full day and eventually possibly an overnight stay over the course of several months to a year.

FWIW, I think you've probably hit the nail on the head when you say your ex has probably got wind of the fact that you're getting married in 7 weeks time and wants to put the spoiler on things. He sounds abusive.

If you are able to look at your situation objectively and see this purely as a question of a relationship (or lack of) between your DS and your X, independent of you in any way whatsoever, and you genuinely feel that this relationship can offer nothing to your DS apart from heartbreak and disappointment (which seems likely, from what you've said), then my reaction would be to do nothing.

Has your X even bothered to contact you directly and say he wants to resume a relationship with his son, or has he just made threats that have got back to you? The court cannot accuse you of being obstructive if your X has not even attempted to contact you directly, so do not respond. Make him go to court. He may have made the threat to scare you/spoil your happy vibes about the wedding, etc. He may not carry it through. If he does, however, he is going to look pretty silly after he got a previous order only to fail miserably to keep his side of it and then abandon it altogether for 4 years.

OTOH, your DS has a sibling and it's possible that your X sincerely wants to be a part of your DS's life. Your DS has a right to know his half brother as well as his father. Again, though, I'd leave things. If your X is sincere in his intentions, let him go to court to prove it. Fighting the battle will in part way demonstrate his sincerity.

Hope things work out well for all of you.

I generally think contact is good for kids. However I agree with Optimist here. He should go to court and prove his intentions. Also, explain why he broke the contact order in the first week and demonstrate why he can be trusted.

Also I agree that contact should be built up over time. If he cannot understand this then he's just playing games again and trying to yank your chain.

Thanks both,

He tried to add me to FB a few times but I ignored him, not wanting to get into the whole FB debate, I got a solicitors letter 1 week later. But no contact has been made since his 3rd birthday, shortly after that I took him down to his dads for fathers day, I'd bought him a present and card and he had moved not telling me where he had moved to.

Niceguy2 - I totally agree and have done my best to keep them in contact for a number of years which often left us let down. It was me who has always instigated the contact for e.g. dropping him off at his fathers, more often that not they had buggered off out!

The reason why he broke the first initial contact occasion after the court hearing was because he was on a "family holiday" - which i only found out about when i rung him after my DS had been sat with his coat and bag waiting for him to arrive.

So if he gets access now, after taking us through court again and then decides to drop him in a few weeks, i don't see how fair it is on DS to have to keep going through this just to be dropped.

Surely he can't keep doing this? As much as I agree a father should have every right to see his kids and have regular contact (and believe me i wouldnt be stopping it had i no reason to) he is a grown man and for him to mess a little boy about like this is wrong!

"He tried to add me to FB a few times but I ignored him, not wanting to get into the whole FB debate, I got a solicitors letter 1 week later. But no contact has been made since his 3rd birthday, shortly after that I took him down to his dads for fathers day, I'd bought him a present and card and he had moved not telling me where he had moved to"

This part should read:

"he tried to add me to FB a couple of times but i ignored him not wanting to get into the whole FB debate. I sent my wedding invites out and 1 week later the solicitors letter arrived on my doormat. He has not seen DS since his 3rd birthday and he was 7 last month, i even bought him a fathers day card and present and took it down a few months later only to find he had moved house and not kept us informed!"

Dont know what happened the whole paragraph got muddled up for some reason

I would suggest that you let the matter go to court.

Given the distance, the history and the status quo, i really dont think you have much to fear.

If I were you tho I would argue that you are not against contact per sé but that you want it built up over time.

So perhaps he starts with letters & phone calls, building up to travelling to yours for daytime contact in your son's own home (for comfort). If all goes well then in the future you would support unsupervised daytime contact and eventually overnight.

That way you appear like you are not being obstructive but even trying to support your ex's aims. At the same time, the hassle of having to travel 200 miles each way to see DS for a few hours will test his commitment. I would put money he doesn't even get to writing a letter.

my ex is supposed to be doing the letter/pocket money/calling thing. but he usually messes up. i don't know yet how this will affect things moving on to supervised,maybe judge will make him try it again,properly.

i wouldn't reccomend contact in your home though,not with the way your ex sounds!