xp pays no maintenance but wants private schooling for ds

[Harra]

Background - after many visits to court, csa involvement, xp has ds on average 2 nights per week and pays no maintenance despite having lots of properties and choosing not to work. I work 3 days per week.

Xp now wants to consider private education. Ds is 3. I am absolutely livid about the financial side of things, but xp is just using every loophole he can to avoid being assessed for CSA purposes - he is just desperate that 'I get no money'.

Bearing all that aside, I want to do what is best for ds. Is anyone else in this situation?

A few concerns I have are

1. his financial commitment to paying for schooling for the duration?
2. What if he meets someone else and changes his mind about the financial commitment?
3. Is it another way to for xp to try and control me? (As it is we have minimal contatct due to his anger).

Hope someone can advise. Thanks for reading.

Crikey. What a difficult man.

You could ask him to put a capital sum with a company that manages investments for school fees, so that you are sure there is enough money for the duration?

How do you feel about private education in itself? What are the local state schools like?

Personally, I think I would avoid being financially reliant for anything on someone that is clearly unreliable and don't think I could trust him not to use it against me somehow (threaten to withhold fees). Definately wouldn't want to be in a situation where I had to change schools later if things turned out bad iyswim.

If he is desperate that you get no money I would be very wary of him sticking by any verbal agreement to paying school fees and instead get some sort of contract, legally binding document on fund set up that he can't squirm out of.

I have a friend in a similar situation. Her ex was paying school fees in lieu of maintenance, but she has recently discovered that he has forced the kids to sit scholarship exams without her knowledge in an attempt to lower his costs, and has also had one of them sit an exam for a non-fee paying grammar. He promised the kids a "big trip" if they could pass the exams, but "don't tell Mum". Think carefully.

bonsoiranna's idea is a good one.

Failing that i would simply say no. It would put you in an awkward situation for all sorts of reasons and a private education doesn't necessarily mean the best education.

It's not just the fees though - there's the uniform and school trips and after school activities etc, all of which cost more than your average state school.

I wouldn't do it either - I do see it as another way for your XP to control you

You can include an amount to cover uniforms, school trips and activities within the capital sum under management.

do you want private schooling?

if he wants it he pays - and you get a legally binding agreement and funds into a specific account . he could put one of his properties towards the fees...

but if you dont want him to go to private school then dont .

Personally i think private school at such a young age is unecessary. Perhaps at secondary level but at primary i dont think it is good value for money.

A friend of mine split up with her ex. What he does is he put a lump sum into a bank account which she can use for school fees.

Not sure if your ex would consider that. Perhaps a joint account where you both have to sign? He then puts in school fees a year in advance. That way you can at least have a years notice if he's gonna change his mind.

No-one can predict what will happen in 10 years time so asking him to deposit 10 years worth of money is a little unfair I think.

Thanks for all your replies.

Local state junior school is fine, good ofsted report, ds is already accepted for nursery and I'm sure he will get in to the school - we live very near it. I am very happy for ds to go to the local state school, we can walk to it, know mums and kids in the area etc.

Secondary schools aren't brilliant around here - no grammer schools near by.

Personaly I went to a junior private school - did well and then my parents couldn't afford further private education so I ended up at the local state school where I was bullied for speaking nicely, doing well. Consequently I dropped my accent, grades etc etc. So I really don't want that to happen to ds.

As you say ZoeC and spicemonster I feel he might well try and control me by withholding fees etc. He has already said 'I don't want to force the issue' but in a way meaning that he does. He is quite a competitive dad as it is. I feel for your friend janinlondon. Xp has already said he thinks we need to 'stretch' ds as he is so bright etc etc.

Could well look into a legally binding agreement though have not had very good experiences with solicitors and laywers (xp is a litagation lawyer himself). Though xp has already said he would maybe sell one of his houses to pay towards education.

Not sure if I want private schooling for ds. I just want a happy, confident child (as I'm sure we all do).

I wouldn't go there. If he is not willing to pay maintenance even when he can afford it, what is going to make him keep to his word if things go wrong?

You can put a legally binding agreement, but have you the time, money and energy to take your ex to court everytime he fails to comply? Do you want to deal with the heartache of putting your son through the same situation you went through as a child? Do you want to spend years trying to keep your ex happy so he doesn't stop paying the fees?

I think I would tell him, as he doesn't pay maintenence and does everything to get out of it despite being able to afford to, that you cant trust him to pay for the schooling. He cant have it all his own way

I agree with oldspotraver fwiw

Thanks everyone. Pretty certain xp would not put money into a joint account as you suggest niceguy2 and I think you are probably right re private schooling not being necessary at such a young age, particuarly as the local school is so good.

I have found the last 2 years very draining with court, tribunals, appeals so like you say memysonandI don't really want to put myself through that again.

Will leave it for now and reassess at secondary level. Who knows xp and I might be getting on better - but I doubt it.

Thanks for all your input - really helpful - particuarly as my family say 'well at least he will be paying something for ds' not quite understanding the controlling issues that are there.