How do I get my XH to stick to what we agree (this is only about holidays... - nothing serious!!)

[Nothernbird]

My XH has just booked ANOTHER weeks holiday with his fiancee, over the weekend he has responsibility for the kids and has just told me to 'mark it in my diary' . We agreed last time he booked a holiday (again over the weekend when he was meant to have the kids) that before booking anything, we would run it past the other if it meant weekend childcare arrangements would change. But this obviously hasn't sunk in.

How do I tackle this? Of course I'm happy to have the kids, but I don't want him to see me as some cheap childcare cover who doesn't have a life. Someone suggested I write a proper letter and post it to him outlining my concerns.

What do you think?

Yes. That's entirely reasonable.

Write him a letter clearly focused on what you want to achieve. Don't insult him, give him `home truths' or anything like that. Do be entirely child-focused in the letter, pointing out you need to work together for their benefit and you are more than willing to be flexible, but you'd like warning beforehand when he does this sort of thing - in the same way you'd give him warning if the situation were reversed.

This sounds typically male to me - though I could be wrong. My dh books up late meetings, work trips to London or Germany, work-related dinners, weekend working etc before consulting me - it's presented as a faite accompli and he assumes that I will be able to look after the children.

I always consult him before making any arrangement that would mean him looking after the children.

It's a sort of blinkered, 'it's her job' attitude.

I think that writing to him calmly, as you and lost dad have discussed, seems like a good idea, but if this is his attitude, changing it might take some time and more than one letter. I hope that you can sort it out.

Yes, you're wrong Stayingsunnygirl. It's not typically male.

My son wasn't permitted to see me last week because my ex decided (against a court order too!) that she had something more important than our ds seeing his dead - so it works both ways.

I hate all sweeping generalisations.

Dad not dead.

That's a Freudian slip if ever there was one...

You're right - it was a bit of a wild generalisation - I'm sorry.

Perhaps I should have said that I've met a number of men who assume that their partners will do the childcare, and that they don't need to check first.

Thanks you two. Seems like I'm not alone in this - stayingsunny you're having exactly the same experiences as me! I'll try the letter and cross my fingers!

My dh does seem to have the same mindset as your xh, Northernbird, but we are still together - I am sorry if I gave the impression otherwise. I wanted to comment from my own experience of how some men assume we'll do the childcare to fit in round their arrangements. I honestly didn't want to upset anyone or speak out of turn, so I hope I haven't.

Actually, even when me and the xh were together, it was the same scenario - ie I would work around him with childcare. Maybe I've made a rod for my own back...

And lostdad is right - not all men are the same. My current dp feels guilty on a daily basis because he doesn't see more of his kids.

Lostdad it would appear you and my OH have a lot in common, his dd is 2.5 and he has never had her unsupervised as yet because the mother is too busy to make many of the contacts that are agreed, the irony being that she is the one who tells him the day, time and location of each one! Then she says LO isn't comfortable enough being with him to have unsupervised (which I do understand) but we are now on month six of the current contact period, and he's seen LO six times, despite weekly arrangements being made. Hope she's not too busy to show up for court!

Please don't make this all about one sex!

I hope your OH is a member of FNF, Anita. If not - get him to contact them.

Every time my ex breaks a court order, it shows things as they really are.

I'm encouraging him, but he's slow off the mark lol, he'll get there eventually!

Why not just play along the lines of assuming that the kids are going with him. Well it is their weekend with him.
Something along the lines of when he says he's going away on the ... get all excited for the kids and say oh they will love that well done for giving them that holiday you are good etc. etc.