Do you ever worry that your child's life isnt like the others?

[civilfawlty]

I'm on my own with my dd (5 1/2) and have been since she was born. Things were incredibly tough for ages, but now they are (mostly) really very happy (save the usual frustrations - worse than crap ex, difficult social life, child care nightmares and so on).

We've reached a really lovely equilibrium. She is great company, and we have lots of fun. But we have achieved this via my struggle for space which means that she eats breakfast and draws while I frantically get ready for work; I doze in a bit later at the weekend while she pootles around (can hear her, and she would never touch anything sharp.hot); we see my friends (many who dont have kids) together; we may go and live abroad for a bit via my work. And we also dance around the house, and play stupid games and the housework comes waaay at the bottom of the list and I forget the milk and I taught her how to use my mobile in case something ever happened to me (so she would know what to do).

I guess I just wonder whether the other kids we know live like this. It seems normal and happy to me. but - i dont feel as though her life is like other kids. Its not as... organised and i'm not as... grown up.

Does this make any sense to anyone? Am i a terrible parent? Is she scarred for life?

if your child is healthy and happy then you are not a terrible parent!

I feel like this as well. Have 2 dc's 3+4. I think our life,like you,is more casual than those with 2 adults. We do alot more as the 3 of us e.g playing/drawing etc than you would if there was another adult. Mealtimes are more casual and I worry about that.

They get all my attention as there is no adult chat - which has its good and bad points.

I also don't feel that it is a proper grown up family- but have accpeted that this is how things are.

What's "normal" ? I don't think such a thing exists and it's fruitless to hanker after some nostalgic idea of family life when in fact most families (2 parent or otherwise) don't conform to this. Far better to appreciate what you do have and be grateful for a happy, balanced child.

All families are different.
My kids go to friends houses where there are 2 parents but dont comment on anything being different. Mine are older now, they are 9 and 13 but to them our life is 'normal'.
Although I do have a partner now but he lives an hours drive away so we only see each other at weekends so during the week its just me and the kids.

cf

Similar situation, ds is 7, and we have alone since he was 2 1/2. Your message sounds very similar to what I would post. DS learnt how to call my parents (speed-dial no 1) at the age of 4, in case anything happened to me (have been paranoid about this for a long time) - this has lead to a number of early morning wake up calls for my parents when he has come down to watch telly as I have a lie-in (Good job they love us).

It is easier now as I am working less hours (change in job), but until recently I have been doing 30+ hours a week, plus 5+ hours commute (week), which lead to ds going to breakfast club, afterschool club and by the time we got home we were both so peopled-out (both like our space) that we tended to spend evenings on our own, so weekends were the only time we spent time together.

From what I have seen of other single parent families these differences seem to be the norm, the need for space and adult conversation against the ability to have mad times where it is just you and your dc.

You are not a terrible parent, neither will she be scarred for life. Just because its different from some accepted conventions of parenting does not mean it is wrong, in fact it can be beneficial

IMHO make the most of it, because if ever you do meet someone and live with them much of this will change (not saying it will be worse, but it will be different, so enjoy it whilst you have it)

I do sometimes worry that DS is missing out on "normal" family life. Where we live and the other people we know we are very much in the minority. It is mum, dad, and 2.4 kids!

However, we were never going to have that "normal" family due to DS's Dad so I try to accpet that DS and I have a much better life with just the two of us in our family than we would have if I had battled on trying to keep my dream of the "proper" family alive.

When we are round at a friends and Daddy comes home and kisses the mummy and the children I do feel a pang and when I see families together or just imagine what it must be like to have someone to help you when you discover your child has headlice at 6pm on a rainy day and you don;t have a car and the nearest chemist is miles away......

My friends have no idea what it is like and make various insenstive comments, one that got me was "DS plays so well on his own, I suppose he just has to get used to amusing himself" which I felt implied that I was a horrible selfish mother for not spending all my waking hours amusing him

I really could have written this, especially the part about not feeling like a grown up

My dd is only 2.7 but I take the positive comments from friends/family and strangers as a sign that I'm doing ok.

It sounds like you're doing a great job

oh curlygal and civilfawlty (love that name)
Your lives ARE normal
This is the life your dcs know so that is the norm.
I did/do dancing around and silly things all the time and I did worry that I was too babyish for an adult (I had pfb at 33) but I didn't do it amoung other adults so it's all relative isn't it.
I am now a single parent but tbh I was within my marriage and I found that a far worse 'mum dad 2.4 children' situation to be in becasue I was living that lie.
Enjoy yourselves your dcs will always remember having fun spending time with you rather than anything else and that is priceless. Keep on creating great memories fo them to treasure.

I think if you are able to have a laugh and cuddle with your child and s/he shares little things with you like a joke, worry or a few crisps! then you are doing a marvellous job.

It's easy to forget how most of the world's population live, ie no clean water, harsh lives/restrictions esp for females, etc that we lose sense of what is truly important.

Give yourself a break. You are not a bad mother. As DLI says,if she is healthy and happy, you're doing fine.

The only little thing I would say is to try and have breakfast together sometimes. But that's just me as the thought of anyone eating alone makes me a little sad. TBH, my 3 would probably love to be left to eat and draw leisurely of a morning instead of Mummy droning on inanely.

Pull youselves together all of you!

There is no such thing as "normal", and it's good for childrn to have interesting lives anyway. Loads of parents I know (ones in relationships with 2.4 kids and other ones too) don't 'feel' grown up.

If your child is loved, supported, and has their basic needs for food and sleep and clothing met, them you are doing a terrific job and are not a terrible parent. It's not a child's environment or family dynamics that are as important as them feeling loved and secure.

I'm single, with a 6 yr old DS, our life may be a bit unconventional, but so are loads and loads of children's. We cycle to school every day a long the river, we pass laods of houseboats and barges, and guess what! children live in them oo, it's not exactly a normal life but it doesn't make the parents terrible.

Civil, you sound like a great Mum. Your dd is probably the envy of all her friends!

you sound happy and secure - lovely, happy, what more could your daughter want?

has someone said something to you to doubt yourself?

`Do you ever worry that your child's life isnt like the others?'

Yes. My ds is being denied a loving father by a mother who puts her wishes ahead of his needs.

Thanks so much for all your lovely replies. Fair point re breakfast, but mornings are so manic - we do eat bacon sarnies together at the weekend!

I'm sorry for your situation, lostdad. I hope your ex realises what she is doing and comes to her senses. My dd's dad couldnt be less interested in her and i'd give anything for her to have a proper father.

No, less someone said something, more that life just whizzes by and then i find the space to step back and watch and think about it all. I've recently started working full time out of the home, and I know dd is finding it a bit tricky - something like separation anxiety (used to work from home) - but I know I'm a better parent for it when I'm with her. And now I have my career back, I will also have a decent salary within a couple of years - which will mean the financial panic is over, and we will stop lurching from crisis to crisis. And it will mean I can afford swimming lessons, and to have roast chicken, and new shoes instead of relying on my mum. I guess that sounds self indulgent, but I want the fear to go. And I want a good career. And I want her to be proud of me. And I believe when it settles down, she will be absolutely fine.

Arrrgggghhhhhh - self indulgent as ever. sorry.

Lostdad, that is so sad. My dh would be devastated if he didn't see his dc and we've resolved issues over the years (we don't always get on)but are in it for the longhaul.

It's right that women should get custody in the majority of cases, is there any way of getting back into her good books? What did you do wrong? Sorry, you may well be the perfectly innocent party but when it comes to it, I'd never want to upset the mother of my dc because she'll hold the key.

Sorry if I've opened a can of worms. I'm speechless about men who wouldn't even want to see their dc.

i would love to have grown up in the ''casual'' environment that you describe. I found my two parent dictatorship quite stifling- particularly in my teenage years. It also made me very rebellious as there were too many rules and I could see past my parent's social acceptance facade etc.
They were lovely parents in many ways but if I could create the informal, loving atmosphere that you describe I would be very proud of myself!

Also, I think that mornings must be manic for ALL parents- coupled up or not. Sounds completely ''normal'' to me!

You know I just occasionally think how 'different' my sons life is to others, like those at pre-school and then I realise just how lucky he is to be in a very happy single parent household where he is number 1 priority

I feel very sad for the kids whose Mums I hear moaning non stop about their offspring. I have to actually stop myself from asking them why they bothered to have kids at all. I do sometimes wonder if its the 'in' thing to moan about your lot and how hard kids are to have and to be negaitive all the time. Obviously I realise I only 'see' the school Mums for 10 mins or so a day and this is not the whole story but I am seriously getting fed up of the competitive moaning about how 'bad' their kids are

So no... I am sooo glad my sons life isnt like others, I'm glad he is living in a postive place and he is seen as a blessing not a bane