phone contact "i need you to tell me every day what you are doing"

[cestlavielife]

dcs have supervised contac with their dad.

i have no probs at all with dcs calling their dad whenever they want.

but often he calls and they are watching Tv or whatever and say "i dont want to talk".

meanwhile he is getting more demanding - leaving voice mail messages or telling them when he does talk to them (speaker phone)

"i need you to tell me every day what you are doing and what you have done"

"it will make me happy if you call me"

wouldnt it be better to make it about them: "you can call me any time"
"i would love to hear your news!"

or he will call and say "i called yesterday hand left a message; where were you; why didnt you call me back?"

does anyone text the ex every day to tell them where dcs have been?

do you "make" them answer the phone when he calls?

oldest dd tends to just put the phone on speaker when he calls and carry on playing her nintendo or reading, saying umm yess at times, then he gets stroppy with her...

how much is it up to me to ensure they talk to him?

isnt it up to him (eg during teh supervised sessions) to make it so they want to call him?

what are their ages? Old enough to have mobiles and make an adult choice to talk to him ? or young enough that you feel you have to 'make' them?

Is it supervised contact because he's not to be trusted for some reason? Because this sounds like very dodgy, manipulative behaviour on his part. I'd be tempted to change phone numbers and make set times for them to phone him tbh

I think you should gently encourage it, and remain positive about him. "Oh, I bet dad would love to hear about your project / day at the zoo / your high score on the game." IMO they should not be forced to talk to him.

But you should also chat to him about how he talks to them. If its a fun experience for them, they will want to do it.

Do they ever call him first?

My dd is phone phobic and refuses, even on speakerphone. She wants to talk, but cant bring herself to and looks at phone as if its about to explode any second (unless she wants to use the camera on it) So, we have agreed to get a webcam so they can chat that way. Her dad lives a plane journey away, so no regular contact. She will also draw him pictures to show what she has been doing and we post them over once a month or so.

He does sounda bit of a bully: has he a history of being short-tempered or unkind to the DC? Basically, if they don't want to talk to him is it because they find it upsetting and scary? If so, you can be firm about not making them, pooint out to him that it's his own fault, and remember if he starts harassing you, you can report him to the police.

yes anger issues.... and manipulation...mental health issues... personality disorder?/depression

6 and 9. the 9 yr old doesnt like to talk on phone generally; the 6 year old is more chatty usually. the oldest is autistic and doesnt talk; he doesnt do phones (actually when it rings he picks it up and throws it on floor - part of reason we dont always answer or he gets left "on hold" is because oldest has heard phone and thrown it away!

but the dds showing they dont like being asked "why didnt you call". 6 yr old has picked up the line "i was too tired".

webcam - if he was in another country makes sense. he isnt. supervised contact is because he has scared us, been agressive etc.

he has delivered a webcam and constantly asks "when is your mum going to set up the webcam?" i feel is an intrusion, he is seeing them regularly now face to face so doesnt need to view our home (which is a safe place from which he is banned) thru webcam. also i literally dont have time - i work; get home, bath/bed/homework etc. my own computer time is limited (lunchtime at work...late night)

is all new territory - i want to be reasonable, want to encourage contact - but dont want them to be emotionally manipulated by him, as i was for years... "do it this way to make me happy" (and to avoid making me angry) ....

I want to help them learn when they can say "no" to him.

help them to set the boundaries - but i also feel is a lot for them to take on.

speaking as someone who's father was emotionally manipulative, I think you have to let them know that its ok if they don't want to speak to him! (especially everyday)

I know the wording would be tricky, but it was only when my mother said, when i was 14, that I didnt' have to see him if I didn't want to, that I was able to deal with the guilt about not wanting to see him.

She told him, I never had any consequences from it, and it was a huge relief to me.

Without her support I don't think I could have done it!

This all sounds like part of the same harassment of you then. Can you talk to the solicitor about it? Ask him not to make contact at the house, but say that you'll make one 'family' call a week?

Yes I think you need to take advice from your solicitor or whoever has been helping you: he is not allowed to harass you but this behaviour is harassing. Remember that it's his fault, he has behaved badly, and that's why he's not allowed in your home.

Erm perhaps you should speak to your solicitor to say he is not permitted to contact you & the children in your own home anymore. You could suggest that you will arrange for the dc to phone him twice per week at an agreed time?

You need your home space to be space away from him by the sounds of it. It does sound like he is trying to check up on you.

cestlavie
we also had this problem with ex.
I started saying politely but firmly, "we are eating now, the children will call back in half an hour"
"It is time for the children to go to bed"
"It is time for the children to go to school"
"you have been on the phone for 45 minutes, ds has homework to do" etc.

After I disconnected the phone a few times, things calmed down a lot. Before that, he had been using the phone like a choke chain for a dog - he yanked, and we had to come running and hang around for as long as he wanted - sometimes up to 3 hours at a time.

I dont ask for every detail of what the children are up to when they are with him, and I expect the same, that he will back off and stop trying to control everything´.