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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I feel sorry for my ds as he has no outside of school friends(long im sorry)

22 replies

mumnotarobot · 01/05/2009 18:09

Hey all,
im a lone parent i have a 6 yr old ds. He is a friendly bubbly boy who has lots of play mates in school, but thats it! In school. We have on occassion extended these dates outside of school but unfortunately the school he attends doesnt permit alot of social friendships for us to develop as ive now realised.
There seems to be a clear social division which is simply sad and i am seriously thinking of moving him schools.
There is a small percentage of working class parents and it appears that there is a click of middle class parents who only allow their kids to play with kids of similar background.
As a parent i honestly dont know what to do. But it tugs at me to think my son is being aliented because he doesnt quite fit in. And i only wished i was imagining things but ive waited for a year to face reality.
It wouldnt be so dreadful if we had family in this country but to make matters worse most of the family is in America. So besides his after school ativites and my adventorous flare for travel. Its me and him all the time. I enjoy my own comapny and do have my social networks however the friends i have dont have children. So i do tend to feel rather guilty especially at weekends when all the other children are talking about what they are going to do etc and i know the reality i have to things with my son to keep him from being bored and without other children to play with. I have tried almost everything, if there is something i have dnot tried pls feel free to advice me. I need it.
thanks
jx

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bigchris · 01/05/2009 18:11

it's not up to the school to encourage 'playdates ' out of school time though,
can't you ask your ds who he would like round for tea one night after school and put a note in the book bag?

SalBySea · 01/05/2009 18:16

what about arranging play dates through his after school activities/groups?

Original poster

mumnotarobot · 01/05/2009 18:17

I have a been a parent for a while to know that it is not the schools job to encourage play dates. And we have done this also. Hence my reason for saying i am not imagining anything. If you try and arrange a play date the parents put it off even though the kids obviously play together at school. But yet there are play dates that happen with kids of parents with similar background. Its awful and sad and its hard to express this to my ds.

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 01/05/2009 18:17

don't quite understand this - if he has lots of friends at school why can't you invite them back to play after school or ask if they want to come over at the weekend?

Original poster

mumnotarobot · 01/05/2009 18:18

I havent yet done that, thanks salbysea. I will give it a go.

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 01/05/2009 18:21

ah, I see.
Humm - no advice, I don't see school people at the weekends.

Original poster

mumnotarobot · 01/05/2009 18:21

Because... when you do ask the parents they tell you oscars busy and yet on mon my ds hears that oscar went to sids house. I dont quite understand this myself. After a while you cannot keep imposing yourself on people. As much as we dont like to think it exists there are still parents who behave funny.

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 01/05/2009 18:23

presume you have tried asking well in advance? (ie Oscar might have been busy because the Sid thing was already arranged).

Do you get this with after school aswell?

Overmydeadbody · 01/05/2009 18:24

surely you can just ask the parent of a friend of his "can he come over to play on tuesday?" and if they say they're busy then, then suggest another day. Get your diary out and don't stop until they ha\ve given you a date.

nickschick · 01/05/2009 18:25

Dont get wound up by this and dont change school because of it- your ds will make friends outside of school and it gives him the opportunity to mix with a wide circle of peers.

Soon it will be summer and you can visit parks and things and your ds will develop all his friend making skills so much so that you will be forever answering the door and handing out ice lollies - try and extend friendships with people from school but its not the be all and end all- is it possible to chat to some mums? ive found that generally my children play with the children of people I meet.

Overmydeadbody · 01/05/2009 18:26

well oscar was busy if he want to sid's house wasn't he? Just persevere if you can? Sorry you feel you are being excluded, that isn;t nice.

Notalone · 01/05/2009 18:26

Aw - thats horrible mumnotarobot. If you have a thick skin and can bear to be a bit more pushy, ask again if Oscar or whoever wants to come for a playdate and if they say he is busy say "Oh, thats a shame. Well my diary is pretty free right now so when can he come / when would be good for you?" Then see what they say. Snobbery makes me and your Ds sounds lovely

Original poster

mumnotarobot · 01/05/2009 18:29

awwww u guys are so kind. i will try not to get wound up. Im jus worried about my boy. He doesnt say it but i know he bothers him. And like i said he is a ver sociable boy and he has friends even in the older year but yet once the bell tolls thats it. I will persevere. And see what happens.

OP posts:

Overmydeadbody · 01/05/2009 19:07

Is there a local park near the school? I know when the weather's good the local park near DS's school is full of his school friends, so it's a good place to head after school for him to keep playing with his friends, and I've got chatting to a few mums that way that I wouldn't have got to know otherwise.

Also, what about enroling him in Beavers? DS started recently and has made a whole new bunch of friends out of school. It's a different mix of kids too to his school, might be worth a shot?

Overmydeadbody · 01/05/2009 19:08

ps I'm also a lone parent with a 6yr old DS.

Original poster

mumnotarobot · 02/05/2009 21:18

Hey overmydeadbody we go park all the time and yes your right, you do get chatting to a lot of mums i wouldnt otherwise and i find thats a great source for my ds to mingle and make friends. As i said before he is a sociable boy and making friends comes easy for him and myself if im honest...i guess its the next step that doesnt go quite as planned. We have treid beavers before but due to another activity which runs on the same day i didnt want to exhaust him as beavers starts at 6.15. Odd time. But he did enjoy it, i might give it a go again actually. Thanks hun.

OP posts:

Niceguy2 · 03/05/2009 11:39

Try not to worry too much. It may not be a social class thing but simply that the kids are busy.

I have lots of middle class friends and their kids lives are packed with classes, lessons and whatnot. Its cos they are scared of letting kids just play.

Don't think moving schools is the answer here. What if he doesn't settle in the new school as all the other kids have their cliqués already? Wouldn't that be even worse? At least here he's settled.

I used to try and encourage my kids to go out all the time. Now I'm often sat here on my own waiting for them to come back! lol

chattysoul · 04/05/2009 10:38

hi mumno sorry to hear your troubles - is it because in your district they are not welcoming to 'outsiders' - I am a bit worried that when my son goes to school from September he won't get invited to things because we are from London. However I might be feeling paranoid and will try and go with an open mind.

Have you thought of asking his teacher for advice/tips as to how to sort this matter out?

At least my son is starting school right from the beginning so that is a help. I will force myself to be cheerful and see what happens although I do have my doubts about this insular town I am living in.

Good luck and let us know how you get on!

maltesers · 11/05/2009 12:39

MUMNOTAROBOT....SNAP i have EXACTLY the same problem.
My ds is 8 years and started his new school last September. We live 18 miles away from the school, but moving in June to the town its in. So, at the moment he never has any school chums here to play. He never sees another child from one day to the next during the holidays. I have an 18 year old ds still at home and a son of 21 yrs.
My 8 year also may have mild ADHD and so school friends are few . His teacher thinks his class mates accept him but are not best friends with him. This has really upset me and make me feel so sorry for him. His class mates are all so beautifully behaved. It is a private school and there are no hooligans there. (only my little terror) !!
I am a single parent and am moving into a tiny house that is the size of a match box, compared to the huge mansions these other children live in .

maltesers · 11/05/2009 12:41

Where do you live Mumnotarobot. ?? I live in Hampshire close to the Wiltshire border.
Pity we could not get together. I think you live in London. Is that correct ????

Original poster

mumnotarobot · 19/05/2009 15:46

hi maltesers,
i do live in london. I was just having a quick read at the other responses and all i have to say is that the problem is still very much there. And as far as im concerned it is a class issue and i find it rather snobbish.
My ds has a packed out itenary and activities he attends but we have a day in the week which allows him to have play dates etc.
And i am now realising that the same parents who ive spoken with to arrange play dates do a 'dodge em' act its quite hilarious. They tend to stick to their circle of friends that they think are suitable. I just laugh. Its become ever so funny and i honestly think that now i dont let it get to me. I have decided i wont be pushed out of the school, as my son loves it there and is very settled. I rather my son is amongst people who enjoy him rather than tolerate him. He is a gorgeus boy and has a heart of gold and if im honest there are some homes i wouldnt have him go to anyways. Just because you have money doesnt make you a better parent! The funny thing is one day these kids will grow up and make their own choices, hate to think what would happen then. I know i am ever so grateful to my mum for the way she raised us up, because i wasnt at Uni lost and confused. She taught us to accept difference.

OP posts:

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 19/05/2009 16:09

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I think you're right not to change schools, as you don't know what the next school will be like and it might dent your son's confidence if he interprets the move as showing he's 'not good enough' for his current school (I know you're not suggesting that but children sometimes draw very odd conclusions).

My suggestion would be Beavers or Woodcraft Folk, as they're very much focussed on friendship and social skills. I'm sure your son will have fun at whatever activity he tries, but the leaders at Beavers or WF will be trying to encourage friendships.

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