What should I say to DS when he says "I am sad because I miss Daddy"?

[curlygal]

DS is three and his Dad and I separated two years ago.

DS loves his Dad and I have done my best to ensure that they see each other. Up until recently Ex P was collecting DS from nursery during the week and spending the afternoon with him.

Inititally the arrangement was four days, then he let me down, so down to three then two then just one afternoon a week.

Eventually he let me down one time too many so I put DS in nursery for all the times I am at work. I gave Ex P a written list of DS's nursery times and told him that we was very welcome to collect DS on any of the days he is in nursery and he is wlecome to see him any days he is not at nursery (all day friday, sat and sun).

Ex P being ex P has not made any effort to see DS at all.

Yesterday DS told me that "I feel sad because I miss Daddy".

I just said "Oh Daddy loves you very much, he's been very busy lately".

Didn;t really know what to say as Ex P not actually busy, just lazy and takes effort to make arrangements to see DS. I feel crap for DS and that perhaps I should make more effort for him to see his Dad but I am exhaused constantly chasing him up and making arrangments which I why I decided to leave the ball in his court.

Of course Ex P would blame this on me as I "withhold contact" as he cannot see the problem of telling me on a sunday that he can;t get DS from nursery and the problem that causes for me having to make other arrangements for him and ingnores the fact the DS would love to see him at the weekend when Ex P is in bed all day.

What should I say to DS?

You said the right thing IMO. Keep saying that, even though you shouldn't have to cover for him.
You could ring your Ex P each teatime and let your son talk to him? Perhaps hearing his little boy on the phone would jolt the lazy selfish bastard man into action?
In the meantime I would also phone his Dad after ds is in bed and tell him what ds has said, and how much his irregularity is hurting him. Tell him it has to be regular contact that your ds can understand (eg every Friday without fail).
You obviously know the importance of regular contact. You need to drum it into your ex too.
Good luck x

Thanks Poppity, DS keeps saying it now but I think that it is partly as he knows it will get a reaction and lots of cuddles from me!

Problem is that Ex P will turn this round and blame it on me for limiting contact but discontinuing the collection from nursery which was the opportunity for him to see DS. Ex cannot understand how letting us down at the last minute or turning up late is a problem. I have moaned in here before about how the nursery complain to me when Ex is late and never to him, is less stressful this way but perhaps I need to deal with the stress and hassle in order for Ex to see DS?

I don't envy your situation, and I don't know how well you manage to get on with your ex?
Perhaps you could push the responsibility of arranging nursery to him? Then it would be you just doing the dropping off, and him who organised it all?
If this isn't possible then I would definitely say you need to make the whole thing more formal. Draw up an agreement and put it in writing. Put your foot down. Could you get a solicitor to write a letter saying that you want contact maintained, that in the interest of the child it must be regular and organised each week, and that he should contact the solicitor with his chosen day/s. Does he pay you any maintenance?
I don't think it should be up to you to fit in around him!
I don't know the rules here, perhaps a post in the legal section would help? You would be armed then to front up to him.
If he is half decent, won't nightly phone calls from his ds give him a kick up the bum?(as well as cheering up your boy!)

Don't the nursery know the situation?
If it is his responsibility to pick your ds up on certain days, they should have his number so they can contact him if he is late.
Can you talk to them easily? And maybe explain the problems you are having?

unfortunately he is totally irresponsible (feckless) and would not be capable of taking responsiblity for anything, let alone dealing with the nursery!

I try my best to get on with him for DS sake, every attempt I have made to firm up the arrangements have been rebuffed by him as he claims he cannot guarantee his availabilty at any time.

I have written to him on several occassions but he just tells me that he rips up my letters wothout reading them.

THe nursery weren;t overly understanding - their view was I was paying the fees therefore it was my responsibilty to ensure that DS was collected on time so always called me (they did call Ex on some occassions but he was usually in such a deep sleep that he didn;t hear the phone....) and they still make sarky comments about his lateness, whcih I grin and bear.

He is supposed to pay £300 a month maintenance but due to the credit crunch he can no longer afford this so I managed to get £100 a month at the moment.

Is just so frustrating. It's horrible seeing DS feeling neglected, no matter how much I tell him how much I love him and that Daddy loves him it doesn;t change the fact that daddy cannot be bothered to get out of his bed on his days off to come and see him!

Oh, that's horrible.
You sound like a lovely mum though, keep reassuring him like you are, it must be awful to see him upset and not be able to do anything. When your DS is older he will be able to judge for himself.
I wish I had some better advice for you
Maybe you could mention that even grown ups aren't always well behaved, and that it isn't his fault? I don't know though, he's so little, it's very tricky. Have you checked out books to help his age deal with things like this? I know there are some...both story books for children, and ones with advice for you.

You might get more answers if you put this in AIBU, lots of people seem to look there, and someone else is bound to have better advice than me.

i think you are doing/saying the right things basically. my DS says the same, depending on how mature your DS is... you may want to try what i say to my DS.

"its ok to miss daddy, because that means that you love daddy. and daddy loves and misses you too. he's very busy/on holiday/working" whatever you want to say.

rather than lots of cuddles to make him feel like its a bad thing that needs soothing, i tried saying to my DS... all the above and then an upbeat thing like... "right then. what shall we do... shall we do x/y or z?"

it made a huge difference. maybe its not right, but i just try to acknowledge his feelings, tell him its ok to feel like that and then go for the good old parenting standby... distraction.

HTH..

Thanks Poppity (your advice was good! and I really appreciated your responses) and Mankymummy

I'll try telling him its ok to feel sad then switch the chat to trains next time!