Contact orders

[mrsmcv]

DD who is now three has contact order to see her dad - stays sat 10am - sun 6pm every two weeks, and sees him sat 10 - 6pm once a month. I don't mind this arrangement all that much, was open-minded about giving it a go. However, it is not working for dd, who is constantly exhausted and her behaviour is causing me some concern. Can a court order be reviewed once a final order is made? I would like to moderate it slightly for the next six months or so to see if it helps situation but ex husband won't have it. Any ideas anyone?

I see

how late does she go to bed at home with you?

she is not seeing a lot of her dad really, if i is every other week.

maybe she is tired from him doing lots of things with her

what would you want to change?

every other week with one sat in between. No, not whinging at contact order, best of a bad job for loads of reasons, shame we can't do more, but we can't. She goes to bed at 7pm -ish at home, really loves and needs her sleep, (still has an hour in the day) and is a nightmare on a monday morning. Can't change her nursery day til sept which I will do of course. Her dad is marvellous with her, but she is so excited to see him, won't go to bed at his house and so is totally overstimulated and exhausted when she gets home that she can't settle and won't sleep again. Been going on for four months, had expected things to settle. she's not quite three, it seems alot to ask of her, when it could be that it takes so little to resolve. Just don't feel it's appropriate to go to court, but beginning to worry it will get worse instead of better.

does he make sure she has a nap whne she is there?nice she is excited to see him.she is still young,and over excitement is to be expected, 4 months is not that long bearing in mind he does not see her that frequently

He does try but she generally won't have it. Mondays are a nightmare and she doesn't really recover all week. She's bumping into things, ill all the time and very aggressive at times too.

in all fairness,she is with you a lot more of the time than her father,so not fair to blame her illnesses etc on the contact with him

again, what would you change,bearing in mind she is having a great time and should be encouraged to have that good relationship maintained, even if it means you dealing with a sulky toddler

I would like him to bring her back a couple of hours earlier after weekend to see if that helps her adjust on a monday, then go back to order in sept when I can have mondays off.He's a great dad, he really is, and she is lucky that he wants to be in her life and is so good with her.

Mutt, I like your idea of having a specific routine in mind, it might well help her settle down and would give me a focus too. I struggle with being away from her, though would rather she was with him than almost anyone else.

Thank you so much for your reassurance, i really appreciate it. I will give that a go and see if it helps - both the situation and myself, as I realise I am very anxious about the situation we're in, which isn't helping.Hard to get support as a single mum, am constantly anxious about how dd will be affected by relationship with her dad.

Maybe both your ex and your ds are both excited at being together and want to make the most of the limited time they have?

Court orders are a bare minimum of time...not a maximum. The courts would be only too pleased if you went `above and beyond' what ordered as it would be a clear sign you and your ex are working together.

Maybe if they had more time together it would solve this problem? Have you discussed this matter with him?

If he is such a good dad, talk to him. This problem should be solvable without court intervention.

Sounds like the easiest solution is for ex to put her to bed earlier. Also bear in mind that this is a long term thing so little blips like this are going to happen.

Trust me, as DD grows you will need to discuss a lot more issues. Get used to talking and compromising now.

why is she so tired? is there alot of travel involved?

mrsmcv - I would worry more if she didn't have a relationship with her dad tbh, what worries you about this? I know from bitter experience that a relationship witth BOTH parents is vital for a well-adjusted adult, I have spent hours in therapy trying to come to terms with my dad abandoning my and my siblings. I also see it in my OHs struggle to see his DD, I think I've worked out why his wants him to see but not really have a relationship with his daughter, and we like you are now looking at court to resolve the issues.

I doubt reducing contact is the answer, they see each other little enough. You need to discuss with your ex what can be done to remedy the situation - please for the sake of your LO.

no,its not vital at all to have both parents to be a well adjusted adult!! life isn't like that!! plenty are well adjusted with just the ONE parent....jeeeeeezz

Sorry forgot to add the usual disclaimer about abusive parents. But seriously you think its GOOD for a LO to have a parent decide for whatever reason that they aren't worth the bother? Do you speak as a child of a single parent or simply the single parent? I would guess the latter.

if it was vital then anyone who lost a parent thru death would not grow up to be well adjusted....

if both parents are alive, clearly it is beneficial to have a good relationship with both, and for the resident parent to promote the relationship with the other as far as possible. and vice versa.

but if the parent has "abandoned" their child then there would seem to be little the resident parent could do about that...

also maybe there is a need to qualify "relationship with parent" - it has to be a positive, adult-child relationship - not abusive, controlling, etc in any form - or the child may also end up in therapy anyway....

i have a baby sitter whose father has not been on the scene since she was small, she lives with her mother, they have a great relationship and she is the most mature, well adjusted 21 year old i have met... and i trust my dcs with her completely.

so just depends on other influences too.

Of course, having a resident parent' and a non resident parent' can set things up for failure from the off.

My ex sees this state of affairs as meaning she is the `main' parent and therefore can dictate about out son to me. I don't think it is a good example for him to see this sort of thing. I am more than happy to work with my ex for his benefit - and I am his parent as much as she is, although she is incapable of seeing this.

Shared care should be the starting basis in any negotiations between parents who have seperated. It doesn't suit everyone by a long shot for a variety reasons - including parents (fathers and mothers) who don't want this.

I condemn parents who fail to meet their parental responsibilities as much as those who do things like block contact and try to cut a loving parent out of a child's life.