Feel ashamed - 1 year on

[popcorn123]

Left abusive ex 1 year ago. However still have real difficulties talking about it. My close friends know some of the details - but even them i can only talk about it one-one in a "safe" environment.

I have to stop myself from crying whenever I talk about our break up.

I don;t wear my wedding ring and never mention a partner but everyone assumes you have a husband (because of dc's) and I feel so ashamed to say we are not together any more. Sometimes I even answer question like what does your husband do with the correct answer with no mention that we are separted (feel sick for hour afterwards)

O try and explain what went wrong but noone (even close friends ) seem to understand whenI start to talk about his abusive behaviour so I don't talk about it.

I feel I should be able to sort it out (but know my ex H us "unsortable") and feel that everyone is judging me for giving up and ruining my children's life - noone has said this)

I feel like such a failure and am mortified that my life is in such a mess andso uncertain - fincances/contact far from settled, living in small rented accomodation despite family home being a lively huge 4 bedroom house and I know people think it is strange.

For colleagues/mummy friends etc I am sure my life has become the "elephant" in the room as I don't say and therefore thay don't ask.

I can't evert imagine feeling any better- does anyone have any advice?

oh god so so sorry for you and yes do understand
unless you've been there you can't, end of
no advice as such, but only it makes you realise who your real friends are
and yes it's a taboo subject
not one for adding into usual school gate convo
do feel for you here as i've been there

have you thought of having counselling?

It does get better and try to think of what is happening to you as a grieving process. When someone grieves they go through many stages and many books have been written on the subject. You are grieving for the lost relationship you put your life in to and part of that is shock, disbelief and the feeling that you have failed.
You have not failed at all. Counselling will help you see that. A good counsellor will get you to see how strong you are.
You owe it to yourself and your dc to find true happiness and the pursuit of that can be a more painful process in the short term but worth it in the long run.
My dear uncle sent me an email 2 years ago when I was going through hell, a man of few words but what he said was 'Be strong and chin up as I promise you that you will find a happiness you never knew existed'

popcorn one year is really soon
try to concentrate on the upside, that no one should have to live with abusive behaviour certainly not your dc
not a happy environment, and you have been strong enough to act on this
try to take each day at a time and leave the past in the past
I felt very judged as a lone p at first but when I ceased to give a f I realised that actually many people take you as they find you (and yes have been asked if we moved cos of husband's job etc etc)
few people can understand unless they have been there, on the other hand few of my friends have marriages I would envy or wish to emulate

am going through this too - can't talk about abusive relationship so feel that people assume I gave up too soon (left him when dd was 4 months old, not a moment too soon)and just couldn't hack what a baby can do to a relationship. This was 2 1/2 years ago and I don't think it will ever change.
Support comes from strange places when you least expect it: my mum was telling her hairdresser that I had left taking young baby with me, without giving details, and her immediate was response was "she's very brave", which you are. It takes real courage to face up to abuse and deal with it, and that's what you have done.
I have just started seeing a counsellor which is helping with putting things in perspective. I feel deeply ashamed of not being with a partner, unloved and unlovely, lonely, raw and very very angry but i do know, even if I don't usually feel like it, that my daughter will not have to grow up in the household she was in, which was poisonous.

Thanks all for your support - makes me feel much better. When I was typing it last night it felt very self indulgant and I should just get over it.

I year feels like a long time for me and I thought I would be ready to date again but I am not. So it is nice to know that there is still time to improve - such a slow process.

I think I have been obsessed with trying to show that I had no option but to leave - I am so scared of being judged badly.

I think I need to have a few standard answers to questions from people I hardly know but it is so hard. So see all the statisitics about divorce but I don't see it-
I barely know anyone with dc's who is not married or with a partner.

WI have to learn not to talk about any abuse as you are right it is taboo and most people don't get it.

I want to havea big sign that say's "I tried my best - honestly this is better for my dc's, I am not ruining their life I am trying to make it better"
mrsmcv- I also feel 100% convinced that staying with narcissistic ex was not an option and could not have put my dc's through that but like you it doesn't seem to make me feel confident.

Counselling I think I am heading that way I don't want to feel like this forever.just more babysitting to arrange.

Hi Popcorn, Feel so sorry for you. When my ex left us we had just moved and I didnt know anyone and found it so hard to admit that my H had left us. I found a great consellor and through talking to her I became able to tell people that I was on my own. I have had nothing but positive support from other mums, even those I didnt know before! Also managed to ditch my wedding ring in Jan after I got a job and could support us all. It is a long journey but it will get better. Take the first step and get some help, Good luck, thinking of you

Whats the best way to go about getting some counselling? - Through GP? or contact an organisation. Not sure how to go about it.

morning popcorn!
i think you can either go yourself and obv.pay or go and see your GP who will hopefully refer you
i am seeing my GP tomorrow for exactly the same reason as i'm hoping it will sort me out

Get in touch with women's aidwho should be able to help you find a specialist counsellor (because a counsellor chosen at random may have a limited or faulty understanding of domestic abuse ie if it wasn't physical violence s/he may be one of those dipsticks who thinks it wasn;t abuse...) with a proper understanding of abusive relationships and how to help yourself in your recovery.

solid can you still get this free?

I am not sure but I should imagine you can get something if you are on a low income. Talk to WA and ask their advice. There might be such a thing as a mutual support group in your area.

thanks for that solid
its def.something worth thinking about
hope this is helping you too popcorn

Yes - helpful- Thanks solid. I have found my local women's aid a useful resource in the past eg finding a lawyer so will give them a phone.
I would be awful to speak to someone who minimized the problems it would make it worse.

I would reiterate what Solid was saying as I have a friend who attended a counselling session with a counsellor who does not understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship and spouted a load of garb about her suffering from battered women syndrome. This had a very detrimental affect upon her and she stopped going to see the counsellor and is actually quite ill now. So go through an organisation such as Women;s Aid who can hopefully point you int he right direction. Oh and a massive good luck

I think it is rude of people to assume a partner, I never enquire about one until they mention one first!

I'm sorry you feel ashamed but maybe the abuse made you feel this way and when your confidence is fully restored you will not feel like this.

With abusive behaviour people either don't have experience of it so are not sure what to say or they do have experience of it but are not ready to talk about it.

I would be surprised if anyone is thinking you gave up and are spoiling your childrens lives. I wouldn't think there are many who would think living with abusive partner is a better option.

If you want to talk about it, you may have to start first. I had a friend who broke up from her partner. She did talk to someone about it but not me and I didn't want to ask others what had happened as I don't like gossip in a small place. I also didn?t want to ask her as I could see she was too upset to speak without crying and our friendship was casual anyway. Had she initiated it, I would have been happy to listen but that didn?t happen and it did become the elephant in the room when we did meet. It may be your feeling of shame that people are skirting round rather than their view of what has happened.

I am very impressed with people who get on with it in this situation. It doesn't look like an easy option.

redial i can see where you're coming from here
but tbh despite having friends to talk to and friends who say that they're always there for you there's only so much emotional dumping that you can do
and more often than not your times of real need come when your friends aren't around to help

Yes there is a time for using a counsellor or mumsnet to off load. I was just answering the OP first entry before it moved on to discussing counsellors. I was just sad to see that she felt shame when what she has done is admirable.

Redial - virtually everyone seems to assume i have a partner, it is really annoying, I thought when I took my wedding ring off-people would realise that there was the possibility that I didn't have a partner. I don't think people mean badly- need to stop them in their tracks but it is hard.

aseriouslyblond- I agree even good friends close up when I try and talk about things - I think they want to help but can't comprehend my ex's behaviour - they don't get how he can refuse to contribute, hardly see the the dc's and still retain the moral high ground (in his mind) I get the impression that they either don't believe me or feel like "OMG - ge this sorted" - but I think it is so alien to them they don't know what to say.

This week - will try to be more positive

as a lp you are forced to live outside the box, and you can make a virtue of it
I know some people I know envy my life, because I am so free
the only stigma in bringing up children as a lp is in your head, honestly
your life is going to be SO much better popcorn
as far as your ex is concerned mine did not see dc at all for a year, after 3 years has had them to stay with him for a week, to all intents and purposes it is amicable and he is so considerate on our admittedly businesslike dealings that I can hardly believe this is the same man I had to call police to when I was pregnant
If I was living with him again I'd need a riot shield mind, but like this it works, and works well

Thanks Ninah - often i do think the only stigma is in my head often I getr paranoid. Need to stop worrying about what others think- it is not helpful.
My life is already better than ut was with ex in so many ways I just lose track sometimes.

Glad your ex is behaving better recently - hope it lasts!

most people really just care about their own lives, and sure they gossip but gossip can be about any damn thing
The main reason my ex is so reasonable atm is because things are going his way, even now I am afraid to raise any issues with him where I know it will be contentious
I seem to remember after a year of separation I was pretty much a wreck, just about keeping it together, hoping we would reconcile, it took a lot longer to feel good again, I remember the first time I felt really happy, it was quite a shock after just plodding on, keeping going
It is worth everything to be able to close your own front door and not worry about what time you will hear the footsteps and whether they sound drunk or sober. Etc.
Life can be really good again.

Why do you care what people think of you?
Why do you care if people think you have a partner or not, and why is it such a problem if you dont have a partner??

There is nothing to be ashamed of, being a single parent. i feel quite insulted actually that you think you have to lie about it!!?
It is the year 2009 and there are millions of single parent families in the world, many are doing very well for themselves, i like to think myself included.

Get a grip!

It's an understandable feeling. After my ex took my son without warning, I felt `guilty until proven innocent'.

It was incredibly painful to not only lose the wife I lost, but also my son and be asked `Well, did you hit her? Something must have happened'. I felt insulted even being asked questions like that.

Now I realise on my ex's part what she did to me (and still does!) is a form of domestic abuse - emotional abuse, using our ds as a weapon and a shield against me.

Every now and again, more lies come to the surface and I realise I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, quite the opposite.

I can't give up on my son, because if I did, he'd be stuck with no parents who put his interests first.

Thanks Ninah I'm glad ypu think a year is not too long and things will get better.

allgonebellyup - I appreciate what you are saying. I am not bothered about not having a partner. I find it difficult to accept that I let my exH treat me so badly for years and to treat the dc's so badly when we were together. I do not feel there is anything wrong with single parents. I accept the problem entirely in my head and it isn't "right" to feel like that - hence asking for advice. My ex constantly reminds me of how I have ruined my children's lifes and they have no chance now etc - I do ignore but it seeps through. I hope that I am as happy with my life as you are at some point soon.

Lostdad - I agree with what you are saying. It is a bit like grieving - I think I am sad for the husband I thought I had and the life I thought i would live.I feel responsible for my ex's behaviour and like a deceb
feel i should be able to act like a decent father - I need to shake this of and move forward.