anyone got time to help me with wording an email to ex?

[anastaisia]

We've been managing to get things sorted out relatively civily by me refusing to engage with anything not directly related to DD and keeping all communication about anything more serious than 'can you pack her watch' to email.

So, less than 10 emails from ex and he has started with the regular old pattern of make nice, point out all the ways I'm an evil b*/@h and then ask me why I hate him so much? Wouldn't it be better for DD if we could put this behind us and move on? Wont I at least tell him why I hate him so he can apologise and make it right?

For the record I don't (usually) hate him, i feel quite sorry for him. Because if you can't see what you did wrong when you bullied a pregnant woman to tears several times a week, shouted at her in front of your baby on a regular basis, continued to live a student 'drink and weed' lifestyle while she took care of said child and then eventually grabbed her round the neck pinned to the bed with child in the middle of the bed between you, then really what is the point of apologising for it all.

He is complaining that in my emails my tone is too business like. I have no intention of changing it because to do so invites him to become more personal and he takes every inch/mile you let him.

How do I say, in a nice polite way, that I have no intention of being his friend because he is never satisfied with what I conceed. I would prefer to stick to practical issues and have no intention of discussing emotional things with him because the past is irrelevant to our DD and what matters now is that we arrange things in her best interests IN THE SITUATION WE ARE IN NOW, not a hypothetical situation in which we are all friends and skip around in fields together holding hands and singing. Because I keep writing things and when I read it back it sounds like I really am an ice queen who wants to kill him, but I don't. I just want him to stop getting so personal every time we seem to be moving forward for DD.

What about something along the lines of:-

"It is tough for both of us because we're not in a personal relationship with each other anymore, but we both are with DD. I'm sorry you feel I'm being businesslike (the good old "I'm sorry you feel" fake apology is always useful), but I think that it's best to keep contact as simple as possible. It would be so easy to get bogged down in the past instead of focusing on DD."

And leave it at that?

My honest advice would be to ignore his complaints. He is trying to draw you into more contact and you are letting it work. Keep things business like amd about dd. He will probably continue to try various tacks for a while before getting bored of it, as long as you don't respond. If you send anything now he will know he can get to you if he keeps at it!

Meant to add that he's clearly being an arse and trying to draw you in to a new argument (which is why I made the tone so light and reasonable). Don't let him!

Just keep singing to yourself "I don't have to live with this arse anymore!"

x-posts

agree with KingCanute. ignore it. continue being businesslike and only discussing DD. He's just trying to reel you into an emotional discussion again.

YKNotC wrote a good message there.

You are right, you cannot engage on a personal or even marginally friendly level. Explain to him that the only level of "relationship" between you is as co-parents of your DD - aside of anything related to her, you have nothing further to say to him.

Whatever you do DON'T mention anything in the past - he will know he has got to you - part of his gameplan.

I agree to ignoring it, he is looking to get a reaction out of you, dont fall for it

Anastaicia, I really feel for you. I could have written your post myself.
How long have you been seperated for?
Does your Ex see your dd regularly?
My Ex has my DS every Saturday at the same time each week which means I get to avoid any contact with him on my part. (he still texts me every night- i love you blah blah blah)
I just ignore him unless he is asking a direct question about DS.
Hopefully one day soon he'll take the hint.

BettyBoo, We've not been 'together' since the neck thing just after DD was one. But even before that we were never properly together. We were 'friends' for a long time but there was no mention of the relationship going anywhere until I got pregnant (on the pill).

At that point a friendly low pressure studenty relationship turned into a huge mess. I did feel guilty that my choice to keep the baby (there was never any other choice for me) took his choice away, which is why I put up with crap for so long I think, that and the fact it started in such minor ways that by the time it got bad I was already excusing it

She is four now, despite the fact he has seen her all the way through we are (read I only just have the confidence to) just starting to actually discuss instead of argue, and that's because of the changes i've made to me, and not anything else. But I don't generally feel bad about it, I have a great family and in lots of ways I feel like its made me a better stronger person who isn's shy or afraid to have my own opinions out loud anymore! He sees her one whole day and most of the day after, dropping her off at an activity at 5pm. And we're now looking at adding an overnight between them, maybe not every week though, its just being discussed now. He asked for hat much contact and I agreed, he has at times had more and less contact than this.

YKNotCs, I like that message and think I will go with that phrasing with a second paragraph asking about how he sees plans for moving towards overnights to bring it back to discussing DD again. I do feel I need to reply as it is so early in this way of communicating that ignoring an email he has disguised as part of the discussion would derail the practical side of things, and also he has asked questions (such broad questions that there is no 'correct' answer, which I also recognise as something he often does verbally) so firmly passed it back to me. I don't want to react any further than acknowledging the email and putting it back to him though.

Thanks for the suggestions, even the ones that say not to reply because that did make me question whether I was just reacting or really did need to send something back. x

I hope it all works out for you and your dd. You have nothing to feel guilty for and never did - which makes him a double arse for making you feel like you did.

Just keep bringing the conversation back to DD as you planned and don't get drawn in to a discussion.

Good luck!

agree with a message along the lines of poster above - ie message is:

"our relationhisp has changed and the only way forward for DDs sake is to be businesslike"

you need a working relaitonship with him for DD - that is all it is - working colleagues, business like.

Final draft of message says:
This is tough for both of us because we're not in a personal relationship with each other anymore, but we both have relationships with DD. I'm sorry you feel I'm being businesslike, but I think that it's best to keep contact as simple as possible so we can focus on DD. It is the practical day to day issues that have the largest impact on her and which we really need to make as positive for her as we can.

What do you think the next step is for an overnight stay? ........[more discussion about how we'll plan and manage this change]....

I am glad we are finding ways to communicate about DD and make the best arrangements for her that we can.

(my name)

Does that read ok?

That sounds fine to me

You've addressed the issue, said why it is as it is and stressed the need to focus on dd.

If he tries to bring it up again, just repeat the above ad infinitum. I like the line "I am glad..." - it's a good 'positive' to focus on.

thanks YKnotC and everyone else, it worked perfectly. He had to respond to the questions I included about DD and so now we're right back on track instead of arguing about the past.

x

That's great news - I hope he behaves himself from now on.