need advice on ex and contact centre

[lostmumsarah989]

hi im new to all this... i am currently going through court with an ex for a contact order... he is going to be starting to see my lil one in a contact centre... the problem is that he is a very big liar and i was a victiom of domestic abuse, by this i mean threats, harrasement, threats of abduction, stole my house key, smashed up my house, tried to kick my door down etc... He has a very bad anger problem which he used to take out on me and my lil one, who is only 19 months old... the problem is that he is the type of person who is a doting father when others are around but is an absoulte c**t when its just him and my lil one with no-one else to see.
I know there may be a cafcass officer present at some of the sessions... but im worried thay are all going to be fooled by his 'ACT' that he puts on. At the end of this i dont want them to say he can see her unsupervised as im worried hes goin to go back to how has always been, im very worried for my lil ones safety, has anybody else been through this or may be able to shed some light on my very worrying and upsetting situation

Sorry I've no advice.
Very very similar circumstances though, domestic violence, controlling etc etc & awaiting contact centre's acceptance now..

Afaik the contact centre will have an officer to watch each visit & with the history won't just say after a few visits that supervised is no longer needed!

It takes a long time of supervised access before they allow unsupervised or anything else.

Is he on ur lo's birth certificate?

Sorry was going to say/ask something else but forgot

yea hes on the birth certificate.... i gave him so many chances to see my lo but he turned up late, didnt do anything apart from sit on th sofa, text his friends the whole time or hurl abuse at me... he hasnt paid a penney towards her since he left. im not actually at the point of a contact centre yet but am quite sure it will come to that... iv got my first court date next week and havent got a clue whats going to happen or what im supposed to do... am so confused over it all now
What happened with yours as im sure when theres domestic violance involved they do things diffrently

There was no need for court here, why is it you have to go to court? Is it because he is refusing contact centre?
I went to a solicitor, explained, she mentioned about having a friend/family member as an 'inbetween' which I said No to, I have v little family & what I do have don't like him at all...so she said Contact centre, to which I was pleased with, she wrote a letter to him explaining what I want (him not to contact me unless it was urgent/to do with the kids - he was emailing random bullsh*t everyday and calling 2-3 times a week at around 9-10pm when he knew the kids were in bed for 7pm )

Anyway he received the letter & wrote back to the solicitor accepting contact centre & not to contact me...contact centre has a waiting list though on which we are on, have been around 3/4wks now...not sure how long it is.

My daughter is 3 and son 2, he's on their birth certificates but neither really know him as such as I left when daughter was 15 mths and son 5wks...and he's also had lots of chances and not kept up regular contact..his idea of regular contact would be every 3/4mths and then neglecting them..

Have you contacted CSA with regards to paying for the lo? Even if its only £5 a week its something and proving a point that he does have to pay for his child..

similar issues here - i moved out of joint property with kids in april 2008, allowed access to dcs in my flat as i thought i was ok as would be supervised by me or chilcarers; but he got more controlling and abusive; incident on 18 august 2008 - was given no harassment notice by police;

so then no contact. i took him to court for residence order i my favour (knowing this would also disucss contact isseus) went to court first hearing october 2008. they ordered report from my social worker (oldest has disabilities so already SS involvement) - supervised contact was supposed to happen but no venue found; finally identified local contact centre in early december 2008 - next hearing mid december 2008 - agreed on centre and agreed to pay privately sharing costs. CAFCASS ordered to get invovled and wrteanotehr report.
referral made to contact centre by soliitor early jan 2009 - he then refused to apy his share. finally CAFACASS worker allocated , now they are paying and first sessions start sat so april 2009. so it took a while to set up.

if you can, find out your lcoal centre go visit adn ask them how it works and who pays.

if is voluntary run centre, or if is profressional staff etc?

given the issues - i would be happier with a centre like ours which has profressional trained staff - is not just church hall with volunteers. they seem well up on picking up on when he might be pushing the dcs a bit too much etc. strict rules etc.

so - it takes a while.

if you concerned for safety of child then stop contact for now - let him take you to court to get contact; record all incidents and keep police records/crime numbers etc so you have evidence for basis of wnating supervised contact.

ps we have sessions lined up fortnightly til july - CAFCASS will write report with recommendations so will depend what she thinks as to whether it will move to unsupervised or not.

at least, will not be my decision. others are deciding now what happens and he cannot blame me... (well he will for sure but i will know that is out of my hands...)

will he be able to keep up an act for all this time? i dont know.

hiya, yea thats what is happening now... its the first court hearing this week for a contact order applied for by him... thing is like all people like himself hes denying that anything happended and that he is an innocent person but have proof as i still have holes in my bathroom door and a few texts saying he will come and kick my door down... i have got the police involved about an incident that happened last month... he threatended to kill me and kidnap my lo.. so since then have stopped all contact as i was supervising it before but felt it wouldnt be write to do it now after the threats and things.
My first ever court hearing for the contact order is next week and i havent a clue of what will happen, by this i mean the proceeding of anything that will happen in the first meeting. What happened with yours?
Im so nervous

Im sure he will be able to keep up the act... hes fooled evryone for the past 19 months, its disgraceful that the first time he ever gave her a bath or properly interacted with her was when she was 13 months old since that one incident hasnt really bothered... I took my lo to the doctors when she was about 9 months old, the doctor sent me straight to the hosp in an ambulance because he thought it was meningitis.... i was still with my lo's dad at the time so foned him staright away abviouslt histarical... told him to meet me at the hosp but he said no im busy and didnt come... show how much of a c**t he can be

i met my solicitor there an hour before, id dint have to meet him (i chose not to,stayed in separate waiting area). if he has a lawyer then yours can meet with his...try and agree before what you both want ie you make it clear you want an order for supervised contact and state where it should be...

if he isnt in agreement then will ahve to elave for judge to decide...

then you get called to judge, both lawyers may be asked to give position, then judge asks questions (or not) - then s/he might say ok go away and agree a draft order specifying contact , times, dates eg fortnightly at xxx centre etc...

then you might go back again and agree it with judge. so can take a few hours. this happened first hearing.

or you might just have the one session with judge if both sides haveagreed before what they want . whch was second hearing.

once all a greed on wroding of the order, it a follwo up hearing date agreed and maybe judge will order CAFCASS to be invovled and for them to write report and recommendations.

if you can get CAFACASS involved then good..

based on advice from here - you yourself must stay calm, let him talk if he does, if he rants elt him; if he says "i love my daughter bla bla" then make sure your solicitor ahs teh evidence etc of texts to hand. have your incidents diary and crime ref numbers to hand in case you need. dont respond if he accuses you let your solicitor talk...

take deep breaths when he spoouts some cr$p...