Oh FFS another crappy visit, poor DD, wish I knew the right way forward

[AnarchyAunt]

DD (6) has just been to see her paternal GPs for the first time since last July - I stopped visits temporarily due to her dad's behaviour/mental health (not great at best of times) becoming a concern and I felt visits would be detrimental to her until he showed signs of dealing with his issues. Anyway after a lot of thought (and persuading from his mother) I allowed her to go and stay with them last week (friday to tuesday) provided ex was not left in sole charge of her at any time, which they agreed to.

Turns out she was sick all day on saturday (DD is never sick - last time was three years ago - so its quite distressing for her) and still is off her food a bit now. She says she wanted me and asked to come home and that grandma said no . They didn't tell me at the time, or phone me to ask what I'd do, or suggest she could talk to me if she wanted.

Then on sunday they decided to put her in the car and drive round all day looking for her dad, because he was ignoring their phone calls and didn't know DD was there. They found him (not sure where - DD says 'working on a farm') but he said he was too busy to go back to the house with them. He said he might see her the next day so they waited in all day and he turned up for a bit in the afternoon, then left again at her bedtime.

DD has been home for a day and a half and is ratty and weepy, says she hates me and daddy, at the same time is clinging like a limpet. She says she didn't even get to say goodbye to him. Wondering if I should've stuck to my guns now and not allowed the visit.

Wanker.

Your poor DD, that sounds horrible for her.

Is she close to her GPs? Personally I would not be happy with what happened, I would expect the GP to call you when she became ill as of course she would just want to be with her mum.

Also I think that taking her out in the car to look for her dad is misguided to say the least. Surely one of the grandparents could have amused her while the other did that? Not a great thing for her to be dragged along on.

If the GP are keen to see her then why don;t they come to you to see her?

i would sit with dd when she is playing and have a chat with her about how she feels about what happened, in a round about way and give her lots of reassurance that she won't stay over again unless she wants to. i don't think i would allow overnight contact again. if grandparents want to have contact or even dad i would tell them to come to your house for an hour and that is it until dd wants to spend longer with them.

Um, not close exactly - she adores them and misses them and likes seeing them but they are not a regular comforting fixture IYSWIM. Had I known she coming down with something I would have kept her at home.

The GPs have an open invitation to come here to visit but they live 2/3 hrs drive away and complain incessantly about how much it costs them in fuel and how its hardly worth it for the afternoon . They take it up maybe two or three times a year. Her dad won't come to my house at all.

DD would love to see them all more but he is so unreliable (this latest is hardly a surprise to me) that I just think it is damaging to her. She must feel so let down and confused, and ex simply refuses to work with me to make more consistent arrangements and find a way forward.

have you space to put GP's up overnight? my ds's paternal grandparents live two hours away and i have the same about them complaining it costs to much to travel to our's but they expect us to visit them with ds who gets car sickness very easily!

as for dd's dad i would stop direct contact until he can commit and let him telephone dd once or twice a week. It's not good for dd's dad not to commit, it is damaging for her, it will distress her out. personally if he wants contact then i would make him to take you to court and then he will have to commit!!

"hardly worth it for the afternoon"? Charming.

It's very hard isn;t it. DS hardly sees his GPS (EX P's mum and her husband) despite them living an hour away. DS gets car sick too, plus I don;t actually have a car anyway so think the onus is on them, but anyway.

As DLI says would you put the GPs for the night? OR surely they could come down for a full day - set of early in the morning, have lunch etc?

Agree aslo re DD's dad