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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

AIBU to stop overnight access until i start getting some maintainence payments??

19 replies

excusemewhileiexplode · 20/04/2009 09:58

Have namechanged incase xmil is lurking

I am really pissed off with my xp and his refusal to pay a penny for our ds, I made a claim to the CSA almost 3 yrs ago when ds was first born and my xp has still, 3 yrs later, not paid a penny in maintainence, the CSA are useless feckers, i ring them religiously every week and they tell me a different story every time, its taken nearly 3 yrs for them to put my case over to a debt collecting agency who are now trying to recover the debt from xp who is still refusing to pay, on friday they told me i am not likey to get anything from him before July ffs and it will take 3 weeks for the debt collectors to get back to the csa with an update

What gets to me is, the CSA originally worked out that xp should pay £5 per week, 5 effing quid and he wont even pay it, he spends more on cigerettes than he does his own son!

Yet he sees our ds every other week for the whole weekend, and has done since he was 3 months old (this, btw was the first time he met ds as when i told him i was pg he didnt want to be a father and did a runner, until he got his first letter from the CSA and then he decided he wanted to meet his ds)

I am so fucked off with trying to get him to pay some maintainence that i am now thinking of stopping overnight access and telling him he can still see ds every other weekend, but he can pick him up early on sat morning and bring him back saturday evening, then once he starts paying maintainence then he can have overnight access again

AIBU? i am so mad that i am tempted to stop access alltogether and he can spend the money he owes me in mainainence, taking me to effing court!

Why should i work my fingers to the bone for our ds only to give him up every other weekend to his father who wont pay a penny for his upkeep?? FFS i pay £6000 a year in nursery fees alone and he pays nothing, i am sick of him getting away with it, i am sick of being scint and working my arse off while that tosser pays nothing yet still enjoys times with our ds

OP posts:

Original poster

excusemewhileiexplode · 20/04/2009 10:03

Btw xp stills lives with his mother(at 34 yrs old ffs) so when ds stays his mother buys everything, food, nappies etc, xp has never even bough so much as a pair of socks for ds

He is self employed which is the reason why he is able to dodge the csa so well

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 20/04/2009 10:07

Yabu

Access and maintenence are not linked. If it went to court about the access they would take a dim view.

Fwiw I get the £5 a week csa. And that's to be shared between 4 DC. Just the way they work.

wannaBe · 20/04/2009 10:10

yabu.

Your ex should be paying maintenence, that goes without saying. However threatening to take away his access isn't just hurting him is it? It will have an impact on your ds as well.

I realize that it's frustrating but using your child as a pawn against him is really not the answer, and tbh is the lowest of the low imo.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 20/04/2009 10:10

Whilst I can understand why you want to deny access it isn't fair on your DS who hopefully doesn't know anything about this money situation.

mamas12 · 20/04/2009 10:41

I know that is sooo frustrating but it;s not the way to go. I know you said mil buys things but can you hand him over in pjs or something so he has to but shoes or is that even more childish.

mankymummy · 20/04/2009 10:44

YABU unfortunately. you have to separate finances from what is best for your son.

SammyK · 20/04/2009 10:47

YABU Your son is not PayAsYouGo

I can see how horrid it must be but you cant link his knobhead lack of maintenance to the importance of your son having a bond with his father, trust me even if he is a knob your child sadly needs to learn this on their own (I speak from experience).

Don't think about punishing your ex, think about what is best for your child and then make your decision,

Original poster

excusemewhileiexplode · 20/04/2009 11:50

I am not going to take his access away, just overnight access, he will still see ds every other weekend as usual, just wont have him over night

OP posts:

SammyK · 20/04/2009 11:54

Original poster

excusemewhileiexplode · 20/04/2009 11:54

Sammyk i do not see my ds a payasyougo

fucking ell his tosser of a father wont even pay the petrol to come and pick our ds up, he sends his grandpa to do it and the over night care is not done by xp anyway, his mother baths ds puts him to bed and reads him a story while xp goes off to the pub

OP posts:

SammyK · 20/04/2009 11:57

It is important for your ds that he has links to his father and his grandparents

I completely understand you being mad with him he sounds like a first class dickhead. I agree with you on that one.

I am seeing this from your sons POV, unless he is kicking and screaming begging you to let him come home and sleep then he should be encouraged to stay there. It is important.

Original poster

excusemewhileiexplode · 20/04/2009 11:58

If you read my op properly (including the title) i am asking if iabu to stop overnight stays, my comment about stopping access altogether was a passing though becuase i am so pissed off, but actually i would never punish my ds by stopping him from seeing his daddy altogether

OP posts:

SammyK · 20/04/2009 12:02

okay

yes YABU to stop overnight access until you start getting some maintenance.

It will be your son losing out on some time with members of his family which I am assuming he is used to the pattern of. His grandma reads him a story and tucks him in - aside from the fact that his knob of a dad is heading off to the pub like a selfish tosser that sounds quite nice for your DS. Maybe I am missing something.

I can see I am not alone in my opinion so I am going to back away from the thread.

scaredoflove · 20/04/2009 12:22

yes yabu

Your son is having a loving and secure relationship with you, his dad and his paternal grandparents...that is fabulous. It will only help your son to grow into a loving, secure adult. There will come a time where your son will work out for himself what sort of person his dad is, it's better he works it out than having you point it out

If the csa says he only needs to pay £5 surely he is paying more in food/things on those overnighters??? If you keep him at home, you will be worse off financially and your son will miss out on important time with his paternal family

money and time should never be interlinked

Stayingsunnygirl · 20/04/2009 12:30

I don't think that you can link money and access, but your frustration is not unreasonable at all. It seems as if you are at the end of your tether with this situation, and I don't think anyone blames you for this - you've every right to come and vent.

But you know that you are doing the best thing for your son by giving him the opportunity to bond with his father and his grandparents, so for your sake, I hope that the money situation gets sorted out soon.

And SammyK - I think it was rather mean to accuse excusemewhileiexplode of seeing her son as a PayAsYouGo - that was unkind and I think you should apologise.

Original poster

excusemewhileiexplode · 20/04/2009 13:06

You are right of course i am BU, and i am at the end of my tether, i seeth through my teeth everytime i have to look at the smug bastards face, the only reason he has a loving relationship with our ds is because of ME, because i encouraged it, its not even about the money it about his smugness, he knows he can get away with it, he knows i can support our son by myself so he chooses to spend his money elsewhere

I knew you would tell me IABU, i guess subconciously, thats the reason i came here, so you could talk some sense into me.

If i didnt think i was BU i would just go ahead and do it, i wouldnt need your opinions.

Sammyk this is a lone parents topic, i came here for support from others who might be in my situation, not to be made to feel like shit

OP posts:

Disenchanted3 · 20/04/2009 13:14

I think YANBU,

but then I act before thinking.

I feel for you.

SammyK · 20/04/2009 13:15

Look I am sorry my posts disagreeing with you hve upset you more than others, I didn't intend to make you feel like shit.

You have said yourself that you knew subconsiously before even posting that you were in the wrong, and aside from my first sentence in my first post (which I apologise for upsetting you with), I would hope I have simply been honest and tried to see things from your sons perspective.

It sounds like you are a fantastic mum to encourage this contact, it sounds like it's you and the grandparents keeping it in place. I know it must be galling but you know it is the right thing to do and I applaud you for doing it. This is what my mum did and I am in awe of what she did for me and my sisters while keelping dignified and working hard, and have no contact with my 'father'. As I said earlier your son will soon see what a knob his dad is and how amazing you are.

FeelingOld · 20/04/2009 15:02

I am in the same situation as you, my ex has paid nothing to me for our son. He too is self employed so I havent even bothered contacting the CSA cos I know he would just fiddle his books (he already does) so that he wouldnt have to pay anything. According to him he has no money and cant pay me, funny how he always has enough money to go on holiday and out for meals/to concerts etc. My ex says he will buy shoes/clothes etc for our son when he needs them but he never does (well in the last 6 months he has bought him a £4 pair of school trousers from asda).

I can fully understand your frustration and how you feel if he cant help to pay for his son why should he see him (I feel the same) but we both know it would be your son and his grandparents who would lose out in the end. Our son is nearly 9 and is beginning to realise what an absolute twunt his father is and in time your son will realise to and will see that you have worked hard to give him everything he needs.

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