Advice please on 'best' way to end a marriage - if there is one.

[keepingHidden]

Have name changed but am a regular.

After lots of soul searching etc. over the years I've finally come to the decision that I no longer want to be married to (d)h. I think we'd both be much happier in the long run if we split.
We have a ds (3) and I have a dd (14) who I'm not sure if he'll want to keep contact with or not. He will definitely want to see ds.

What in your experience has been the best way to broach the conversation? What's the best way to get a clean break for everyone with as little heartbreak as possible? I know it's not going to be easy, but I'd rather minimise the fallout if at all possible.

Thanks.

Sorry I don't know how to advise you apart from to tell him. maybe see a soliciotr first and check all your options. I didn';t have option - found out when I saw an email from OW. Not the best way!!! Good luck and wish you well. My mate has just done this and she is SO happy!

Thanks for your support. I've booked an appointment with a solicitor to find out what the options are etc.
H and I are out to dinner tomorrow night so will broach the subject then. Awful thing is that I think he's quite happy. His expectations from life are so much lower than mine, we're seriously mismatched.
Just makes it all so much more difficult.

sorry to hear
there is no wrong or right way to do it
can see that you're probably summoning up the courage here
in my case it came out during an argument
def.seek out some legal advice from a good family law solicitor
you can often get the first 30mins free
you will need lots of support here and if you have RL friends who've been thru divorce then they'll be invaluable as it's v.difficult to understand it unless you've been there
best of luck to you xx

Seeing the sol before you see a marrage guidance seems quite hostile to me. You want an amicable arrangement if possible, but you are going to see a sol to find out where you stand.

There is no such thing as a happy divorce. Someone always gets hurt. I would suggest councelling to help you broach the subject with him and to help you both discuss your feelings and how to put your child/ren first in all decisions. Perhaps at councelling you can both agree that it is time to see a sol and for you then to both go and do so.

Sol's are out to make as much money as they can, and I would say use them as little as you can and keep things amicable if you possibly can. But without knowing how your husband feels there is no way to know at this point whether there can be an amicable arrangement now or in the future once things calm down.

Good luck, you all have a tough time ahead but as you say hopefully everyone will be happier in the long run.

gillybean I can understand how it might come across as hostile but that's really not my intention. I've been seeing a counsellor off and on now for over 3 years, and we've done a stint as a couple too. Nothing has changed on his part whilst I've spent years trying to change.
The sol appt is purely to understand how the finances etc. would work. I am hoping this can be as amicable as possible and will do anything to make sure the children are put first, including access for H as much as he wants. I have no intention in 'signing up' with a sol, it's an appt that they offer as a fact finding thing.
I'd thought about using counselling to broach the subject but was worried it might convey the wrong message. Maybe after our chat later, we might both decide that's the best route to explore it all. If so, I'm more than happy to do that.
All I know is neither of us are happy at the moment, and that our expectations of life are very different. Whether there's a way to bridge that gap I don't know, but I'm not prepared to sacrifice my life anymore to try and make it work.

Thanks for everyones messages of support, it really does help.

Gilly is right. Going to a solicitor is the equivalent of pressing the proverbial big red button'. No, I'm not exaggerating. Going to a solicitor is about finding out about your rights'. Your solicitor will fight your corner - that is what they do.

Use a solicitor and `being amicable' is virtually an impossibility.

There is no reason why you can't sort out finances and child arrangements between you. You do not need legal advice to do this. It is your finances and your child. You are the parents.

If you go to a solictor and he is obliged to do the same. Obliged. He has no option. Letters will fly back and forth, point scoring will start and you both end up paying at least £170 per hour (and £25 for a letter!) doing as much damage to each other as possible.

I know, because my ex did this. I've just been to court for hearing number 6 (that's for my ds and nothing to do with anything else) and number 7 looms. If I hadn't sacked my solicitor early on, I would have spent about 10k by now. My ex moved over 200 miles with our son without bothering to tell me, to try and cut me out of his life. I did the same. I've been accused of DV and physically abusing my son and had the police called on me. Now CAFCASS are involved.

All of this could have been avoided if my ex had just talked to me. Every situation is different and my one is one of the worse ones but it does happen. Believe me, do everything, I mean everything you avoid this.

Anyone who goes to a solicitor as a first resort is likely to end up regretting it. If you're splitting up, go to mediation. Google NFM. Your solicitor may tell you it isn't worth it. But then again, remember the longer and nastier a case is, the more your solicitor will make so they kind of have a vested interest, don't they?

If you can remain amicable then try mediation first - once you have told him its over - it allows you to sort things out yourself and definately the way to go rather than Solicitors.

Although Solicitors are not just out for the money - they are there to do what you instruct them to do - you can do a divorce without their help but my advice would be to get everything sorted in mediation and then go to Solicitor with your agreement and let them do the paperwork.

Mediation is legally aided if you qualify.

There is absolutely nothing aggressive or unamicable about going to see a solicitor. Marriage is a legal contract, and divorce is a legal contract, and solicitors are well placed to advise people on both.

You can probably find out your rights with a bit of googling WRT child support and the house, depending on your circumstances, and it is important to have all the factual information ready before you make a move.
It does seem to be almost impossible to end a marriage without someone being hurt, but you can minimize unnecessary damage by:
Not blaming the other person or suggesting that if s/he altered his/her behaviour the marriage would continue (unless you're really, really sure that a) you would continue the marriage if the behaviour changed and b) the other person is capable of making a longterm change in the behaviour).
Not being needlessly brutal with the truth ie that you find him/her physically repulsive and always did, that s/he is no longer sexually attractive or that you want sex with other people or a specific other individual.
Staying calm and firm and sticking to the point: that the relationship is over. Because when one person doesn't want to be in a relationship any more, that relationship is over.
Not allowing one last shag for old times' sake.
Sorting out who is levaing the family home and making sure that person leaves as quickly as possible.
Explaining together to any DC that you both love them and will put them first.

Thanks for all the replies.
The sol appointment has now been cancelled - there was always a chance that she couldn't make it. I am going to wait now I think until after we've spoken and see how the land lies before taking things any further.
My ideal way of sorting it out would be either between us or via mediation.
solidgold thanks for the advice, I'm not going to make any comments that are hurtful as I see no point whatsoever in saying things for the sake of them.
The children are the most important part of all of this, and whilst I'm fighting for my right to be happy I must keep them at the forefront.
lostdad I'm so sorry that your situation has turned as messy as it has. I am fully aware that any seperation between me and H would mean that I would then need to stay living nearby. I couldn't take them away from their Dad, I grew up that way and it's very sad for the dc's.

Thanks again for all the advice and support.