Angry about loss of the family life we had

[ChasingSquirrels]

So, just over a year down the line I am getting to the point where I am getting over ex (probably not completely there, but more or less).

But when I think about it I am still angry about the loss of what we had, and angry that the children are having to share spending time with us - yes they are ok about things on the surface, but both have made comments about wanting to be with the other parent or wanting to be with us both togther. It just feels so shit!

It must be really hard not to feel resentful, especially if the split was not your idea. I can only suggest that you decide how much time you want to allow yourself to ruminate on how shit it all is, and whether it's a good idea to try and draw a line under it and look to making your current life with your kids as good as you can?

Sorry not to be more helpful.

Bloss

ahh, I was venting. I don't feel like this all that often - but am really feeling it this evening for some reason.

thanks for replying.

must be particularly difficult at "family" times like Easter.

I totally agree
now we are split my ex has transformed into Dr Jekyll when dealing with dc and I think, what a blooming waste
they had a week with him for first time this easter and he read them bedtime stories which he never used to do
yet we have the ghastly handovers and dc always in between
Xmas and Easter do it every time, I have been helped a lot by friends including me with their families
know just what you mean chasing.

that's just it isn't it - the kids being in-between.
I am making a life for the boys and myself, we do lots of stuff, we are generally pretty happy I think.
But they can never really have one-on-one with either of us - because there is only 1 parent there at a time, they can't have time with both of us - because we aren't together, they want dad when he isn't there - but don't want to go when he comes.
And so on.

In general I am probably happier than I was for the last year or so, but I do feel that the situation our children have been put into is wrong.

same here cs - you summed it up pretty well i think.

they just make the best of it as well as they can. kids do adapt easier than us quite often. my ex went 15 years ago and left me to get on with it with no help at all.

the kids just accepted it i think as they did see her and knew she wouldnt come back.

do get the bit about feeling robbed of what you had tho. kids get that too now and then tho rarely mention it.

I think having the first rant lifted it a bit
I know they will be ok, although they won't have the life they would have had - and who is to say whether it would have been better or worse.
All I can do now is make my, and their, life the best it can be.

hi ChasingSquirrels
Much sympathy on your situation.

On a practical note, is there a possibility that somewhere down the line (don't know your situation or age of your children) that you could arrange it so that your ex leaves one of your DC with you for some one-on-one time with you? I have a good friend who has that type of set-up with her ex.

we have discussed that - not sure how either of them would react to being left (they are 6 and 3).
Ex is taking ds1 to the Walking With Dinosaur thing in the summer and leaving ds2 with me - which I think will be ok. Actually a few weeks ago I thought it would be fine, but just recently ds2 has been v into his dad so maybe he won't be happy about it come August.
I get the occasional 1-on-1 as my parents are nearby and will have them, but it isn't that often and has to be arranged far more than it would be if we were still together. Also, in some ways I dislike it as I only get 1 weekend day with them anyway, so losing one of them for this time seems worse.

But yes, hopefully as they get older it might work better.

aw, same ages as my 2. I'm sure your DS2 will be happy to do something 'special' with just you when his big brother goes off in the summer with his Dad.

I think it's great that you and your ex are flexible enough to come to an arrangement like that. I guess the thing is that it will be a compromise situation that requires planning and presumably that's part of what's getting you down? the fact that you can't just do it on a whim, as and when you like.

hang in there.

Don't mourn for what never was Chasing Squirrels, but focus instead on what you do have now, and the things that may even be better than before. I no longer have a grumpy Ex pouring cold water on anything I suggest, someone spending all my money, I no longer have to watch someone else's mood before opening my mouth....the list is endless! I DO have a great relationship with my young daughters, they are happy and balanced, I appreciate my independence, the control of my own life.

There are probably 100 boxes we could tick of things we'd ideally like to help us raise a happy family: a perfect relationship; a rose clad cottage; time, time, time; a mum who bakes homemade bread; endless summer holidays, grandparents and extended family helping out; ..... Few people can tick all boxes but that doesn't stop you having a warm and happy family.

Focus on the positive, think of all the things you have to be grateful for, and all the things you don't have that you're grateful for too - it really can work wonders to life your mood.

Chrissie x

Hi CS,

You have taken the words out of my mouth! My boys are the same age too. I am a bit further behind on being over him but I hate the fact that there are no more family days, I don't feel like I can give them 'family days' by myself as I am always so stressed, it seems so much easier with two of you watching over them!

They do get family days though as he has a new gf and they take them out - that hurts like hell! but I have to put the kids first.

I make sure we have family days - either the three of us, or with my mum (and sometimes dad) aswell, or days out with a friend and her kids.
Actually I probably do more of that now as we didn't do much of it before and I am am now of the "enjoy it" opinion.
Maybe try and make time chancer - little things to start with, or find someone to go with, 2 adults/4 kids is often easier than 1 adult/2 kids.

They also do things with ex and his gf and her dd.

Doesn't take away from the fact that this is never how I would have chosen to bring them up.

I don't actually think anything will make me think that this was the best thing for our family (as it was). But it is a different family now and I am making the best of that.

I agree totally with 'this is never how I would have chosen to bring them up', I thought I was in a relationship for life, how wrong can we be! I even said the same thing to ex the other day.

Don't get me wrong, I do do things with them, but I have no family to speak of. It's more the bigger things I am scared of, holidays and things like theme parks - how can i take the older one on the rides he likes while still looking after the younger one! I am sure things will get better with time and I will feel more confident, or at least I hope so!

they will - and they won't be so little either soon enough.
We went to the fair on friday - all went on the waltzers, bumper cars - ds1 had his own and ds2 and me on another. You just do what you can - I hate big scary rides anyway so I won't be taking either of them on those

I know you said on another thread about not doing weekend things with coupled friends - but sometimes they would like to. Worth suggesting occasionally.

And someone posted this single with kids on another thread today, loads of potential days out (unfortunately no east anglia section) worth a look.

Hi,
As a child I spent holidays with mum and dad. The holidays were quiet, and I desperately looked out for friends. My children spend their holidays with LOTS of friends - we've just come back from an Easter weekend at Sherwood Forest with 27 other children and their (single) parents. My children love it, I love it too - and I've got to say it beats my memories of family holidays. No matter how much I loved my mum and dad, I actually wanted to spend time with children my own age.... I also know my married friends are more than a little jealous of our breaks, which my kids tell them about in excited, minute detail !

I really don't mourn "family" events and in the scheme of influences on my kids' life, I am more concerned about the fact I've worked full time and have little time rather than the fact we're not a traditional family. I have no family near me and it really doesn't matter, friends fill the gap (and I can choose those too )

Families come in lots of different sizes and shapes nowadays.......but so does happiness and traditional families don't have the monopoly on this.

Chrissie x

Hi,

had a quick look at this site, need time to go back! Thanks for posting about it. I hate lonliness so seems a good thing to join.

CS - I know I'm talking from 'the other side' as it were, but one thing I'd really like to say is that, while I know you are feeling sad for the family life you think your kids would have had, there is no certainty of that.

If your DH (now Ex) was unhappy, then him staying 'for the kids' would be unbearable. I have a friend whose dad stayed 'for the kids'. He left on her younger brothers 18th birthday and her mum was still gutted, they still went through the pain of the divorce etc (but were much older etc)

It's also worth pointing out that many 'nuclear' families are far from that: my dad was in the merchant navy and away from home for months at a time (even though he and mum are still very much together) and my DH is away all week and, with seeing his daughters, only really gets to spend 2 weekends a month with our DS.... So we rarely (if ever!) get to do 'family' things.

My DSDs are 11 and 14 now and I just don't think they could conceive thier life any differently (though to be fair, we've moved to be close to them, so their lives don't change on 'our' weekends - that's a biggie for teenagers, IME!!)

Hope you are well.

The other advantage I find holidaying or spending days out with other single parents is that they all understand -- much more than my grumpy b**cks of an Ex ever did !!

Oh how I remember those holidays that started off with arguing about location, packing, delays, driving abroad.....

Chrissie x

lol - well they obviously wouldn't have had the life I anticipated, we wouldn't have split up if that was the case! More the life I expected over the 17yrs we were together.

It was a down post on a down day, of what I do think are valid feelings.
Thanks everyone for posting.

hiya, yes - remember you aswell.

Eurodisney, well done. What grounds are you going for divorce? I was just planning to wait 2 years.