Needy, sulky exdh - please, any advice?

[FourCremeEggsInTenMinutes]

(Have namechanged)

Have been separated from exdh for six months. It was my decision, as our relationship had long been broken, but was very difficult as we have two DCs who we both adore, and he is heartbroken that we've gone. However, I've moved only five minutes down the road, and he sees them every other weekend and one night during the week.

He's very controlling, and given to emotional blackmail. I won't go into details as it would take far too long, but his behaviour regularly swings between rage and shouting (usually about money - divorce still being settled) and spewing out all his hatred of me for pulling down the house of cards, to miserable, desperate neediness. He has 'no one', he 'can't believe I'm so heartless' - basically he thinks I should still be there for him whenever he's feeling miserable.

I am torn between feelings of guilt for causing some of his pain, and incredulity that he thinks I can still be a) his punchbag when he feels like it and b) his shoulder to cry on when he's feeling down. It's true, he has no friends, or not many anyway, because he's largely alienated those who were close to him by being selfish or demanding or incapable of seeing anyone else's point of view. He's hard work, and he hasn't formed any lasting bonds with friends or family to provide him with people he can trust and turn to in need.

He's a very devoted, loving father and misses his kids badly. This makes me feel worse! But I know the marriage was in a terrible state and couldn't have continued. I'm doing everything I can to keep things friendly, living nearby and making all contact with the DCs, who adore him too, as smooth as possible. But I can't deal with this childish, sulky behaviour any longer - though he pulls all the emotional strings to make me feel cruel and heartless when I try to distance myself.

Any thoughts? (Sorry this is so long ...)

Stay boundaried

You aren't responsible for his feelings

He requires consistency from you in order to 'know where he stands'... ie, stay firm when he tries the emotional blackmail and don't give in to your feelings of guilt and consequently be available to him

Interactions with him should be based around sharing info about the dc or practical, actual issues around the separation (ie property, finances)

Don't give him the airtime to vent his anger/distress/blame onto you

Hope this makes sense. Sorry you are experiencing this

As NNB says: keep your contact with him limited to pracitical stuff about DC and finances, and don't be drawn into any discussion about anything else. Remember, it's his own fault no one likes him, you do not have any obligation to look after a selfish, sulky knob or devote your life to indulging his moods.

Thanks so much for responding.

I think boundaries are the problem in general - everyone I know is telling me he's not my responsibility, it's not my fault he doesn't have any emotional back-up, but he just doesn't understand that. He's very childish in a lot of ways. And, as with children, it's difficult not to react to the obvious pain and hurt I can see, and feel as callous as he accuses me of being.

But you're right - I do need to be firm about it. He's been texting me this evening, saying stuff like 'I just need some kind words' and, when I didn't reply because I was busy putting the DCs to bed, another one saying 'that's it, then - nobody will talk to me even when I beg. What kind of a world is this?' etc etc

I texted back later to say I'd been busy putting (ill) children to bed, sorry you're feeling down but really don't know how I can help. He didn't respond, so I (stupidly, I know, but I was worried) sent another one later saying 'are you ok?' He left it half an hour and just sent back 'yes'.

Oh God, I'm sorry, this is so boring it even makes me want to give up ... but I could really do with some help. Maybe I should direct him to Dadsnet?!

Cheers, notnowbernard, I appreciate it. What a fab name.

The other element of this which is a total nightmare is that if I'm not reasonably amicable with him, he gets shirty about money and I feel I'm tap-dancing all the time, trying to second guess his reactions and keep him 'happy' or else I won't be able to pay the bills. He keeps saying 'why can't we be friends for the sake of the children' but then behaves like a twat and wonders why I don't want to talk to him ...

Hi SGB - thanks for your reply too.

He is behaving like a child but he IS AN ADULT

He's acting out all over the place... but like you'd ignore a toddler having a tantrum, I think you need to do the same with him

You have ended the realtionship. There is no need for you to respond to his texts, unless they are dc related.

I can predict that by not responding emotionally to him, his behaviour toward you will get worse... I imagine he will start to up the ante a bit in terms of how he is feeling and what he feels like doing, IYKWIM... but you have to try and stay strong and he will get the message eventually

It's tough but you can do it

The next time you find yourself feeling sorry for him, remind yourself that he is indulging in nasty emotional blackmail by witholding money if you won't allow him to whine at you - and that this selfish, childish behaviour is having a negative effect on his DC (he doesn;t think you are being obedient, he witholds money, DC don't get the new shoes they need) and you will find yourself feeling a lot less guilty and a lot more convinced that you are better off without him.

Oh, I know I'm better off without him ... problem is he is a really good father and the kids adore him, and I really want them all to have a good relationship.

What I need is to no longer be reliant on him financially. It would be a lot easier to step away from all this emotional shit if I wasn't tapdancing around his moods because I'm broke.

Ah, bollocks to it. Thanks, ladies. Good to get more opinions. He won't ever grow up, to some extent I've got to live with that. At least he's a loving father.

I wish you well

One more thought - could you get legal advice re the finances? If he is dh, he has a duty I would have thought to provide you with some regular money?

And have you got advice on all the benefits you are entitled to? Might be worth making a call to the CAB or something

Good luck with it all

Thanks. He's giving me some, but the situation is unresolved until we've sold the house. And while I still half-own the house - even though I've moved out and am renting - I can't get much benefit. It's a bummer but better than living in the same house, which was the only other option.

I do love mumsnet, you are stars!

Fourcremeeggs I know how feel I was in this situation myself and it lasted a year. It's really tough I went through the wringer as they say. He will push ALL you buttons.
My ex even wanted hugs as well as 'kind words' cried and threatened suicide. I write it so quickly but it lasted a lot longer. You will need to stay strong, get some rl support and come on here, I didn't know about mn when I was going through it.
You know this is the controlling emotonal blackmail don't you. And I'm really sorry to say watch it when he starts on the dcs. as mine is now doin.
Also go onto the emotional abuse thread it's really helping me.
Good luck

Goodness your exh and your situation sounds exactly like mine even the "why can't we be friends for he sake of the children?" bit. Thankfully I don't rely on him financially. But we also need to sell the house.

I agree with others on here, keep to your boundaries and your terms. The best thing is you can't be worn down because you are not in the same house now and have your own space to retreat to and think straight. I too moved out into rented against professional advice because i really needed that space.

I know that these are difficult economic times but are you able to get a bit of work?

You were his wife not his councellor. He needs help but you are not the person he should be getting that sort of help from because he will drag you down but you know that already.

Thanks, I'll look for the emotional abuse thread.

Moving out - also against all professional advice - was the best move I made, as I can shut the door and at least distance myself a bit. Within a week of us moving out he was asking why I hadn't invited him round for dinner!

He texted me all last night, piling on the emotional stuff and only occasionally asking about DD who is really ill. It's always all about him, and when I ignore his emotional stuff he puts in a question about her to get a response.

I have tried and tried to find some work but have no childcare other than school hours at the moment, and part-time is really hard to find. What I need is to sell that house, and he won't accept that, although we are both going to be hit financially by the drop in prices, it has GOT to be done.

God, here I am ranting again ... thanks so much for your support. I'm off to find the emotional abuse thread!

could write the same thing! tho we currently on supervised contact because of his agreession and violence. the rest is the same tho.

i also moved out and renting - he stays in joint owned place.

as they said - he is behaving like a child and needs to take responsibility for himself. you are not responsible for his emotional state. easily said and harder to do...

only respond to direct messages requiring yes/no answer or a specific response "what time should i come to collect the child" response "10.am" no more.

is hard going because they wont take no for an answer -and will try and try to push those boundaries...

get a pay as you go mobile that he can text you on so you keep his texts separate from everyone elses.

and is he really a good dad when he forced you to move out? that is what i find hard, this idea that they can be "good fathers" yet treat the mother so badly?

Oh, you wouldn't believe the 'reasons' for him staying in the family house ... 'If I move out, the kids will think I've deserted them'/'I need a place that's as good as yours so they don't think less of me as a father' etc.

He keeps his pension, savings and can get a mortgage. (I was far too weak in mediation, but felt completely browbeaten and unable to fight.) I get a larger chunk of the house when it's sold but we end up with pretty much the same because he has more assets than I do. He keeps banging on about how important it is that the DCs don't see him as a 'lesser' person, which is why he 'must' have a big house, even though they only see him three days out of fourteen. He says he doesn't want them (or, in theory) me to 'suffer' but refuses to sell the house which leaves me with nothing. If I moved back in, I could get lodgers and survive quite nicely. But it's all about his dented ego.

Same here . Please keep those boundaries firm it is the only way forward. Like mamas12 the crap my ex has been dishing out has lasted a year cause I fell for his "lets be friends for the sake of the kids" rubbish . Trust me it makes things worse in the end. Ended because ex has started on his nasty ways on the dc. Now he isn't allowed any where near me and god it feels good.
I also agree with cestlavielife, a "good father" would not upset his childrens mother.

Keep him out of your house, set boundaries and stick to them. It is a long haul, but worth it in the end. Look at it this way, you are best helping both of you by reducing his dependence on you.

Gosh, bloody well done for getting away. He sounds grim.

But why do you both get the same when you have the kids to look after? Is that how it always works?

I am not a legal expert but isn't it possible to force the sale of the house if you need the money, whatever he thinks? OK he will whine some more and complain that you are making him homeless but he's already a whining, manipulative PITA, he can't get much worse (oh, but if he does get worse ie resort to violence, you can drop the full weight of the law on his head).

Once again, thank you all for your incredible support.

Problem is, I do believe that parents who can get on reasonably do make a huge difference to the way the kids react to divorce. I keep reading it in all the books, and as my parents weren't able to manage it I know from experience that it would have been a big help.

But the more he continues to behave like an arsehole, whilst hitting me around the head with the 'must be friends' stuff, the less likely it becomes.

Sent him a reply to his long email last night (basically a whinge about how selling the house will leave him with nothing, but couched in terms of what a good devoted father he is, and why won't I help him, he's about to have a nervous breakdown). It took me a few days to reply, largely because DD has been ill, and when he didn't get a response he eventually sent a text asking how she was, knowing I'd have to respond to that. Then, with a foot in the door, started whingeing on about his own stuff again ...

I sent a very (I hope!) calm reply, stating the financial situation and saying that when he feels miserable and 'lost' I am not the most appropriate person to be talking to about it. Haven't heard a word back, not even to find out how DD is today. He's sulking, and suddenly his concern for his daughter isn't quite so manifest. But he'll probably get around this by saying how cruel I was not to let him know, ie the onus is always on me. I'm tempted to text him now, saying 'by the way, if you're interested, DD is much better today' but I just don't want to get into the ring again.

He's supposed to be having the DCs tomorrow - his day for seeing them, his day off work (he has own business). Usually he picks them up after school and takes them back to his for the evening, then drops them at school on Thursday morning. Last week, because it was the holidays, he suggested picking them up 'a bit earlier' at one! So he still got his 'day off' - what happened to shared custody?! I didn't make a fuss as I'm not working so it doesn't really matter, but where is the loving, concerned father when the kids are home from school and eager to see him? Having a bloody lie-in ...

Fuck, I'm ranting again. Sorry - it's just good to get it out.

Onebat - if I'd had the strength I could have fought for a better deal, but I will get a substantial chunk of the house sale (if it ever sells). And he's been very diligent, to be fair, about paying child maintenance. If I only had a job, things would be a lot easier, and I'd rather not be financially dependent on him and his moods ...

SGB - yes, I could force a sale but it would be time-consuming and expensive. It's what I will threaten, if things don't start moving soon.

This thread is doing me so much good!

4cremeggs - you are giving him the power over you by feeling guilty. He is an emotional control freak and bully - you have left him because of this - now leave the guilt behind as well because you do not have to accept it. Just because he accuses you of something does not mean you have to agree with him and take it on board.

If it helps, look at it like this - every little accusation is a poison dart that he is throwing at you. Every dart makes a hole in you and causes you to leak - energy, lifeforce, whatever you want - and he feeds off that. He is an emotional leech. If you can prevent him from feeding off you, YOU will feel better for it and he will have to find an alternative source - and then you might be able to build the sort of co-parenting relationship you need. Get yourself a coat of virtual armour plating so his poison darts can't pierce through - you'll feel so much stronger!

You will be doing your DC a favour as well because they will learn from your example not to take any of their Dad's shit on board when they are older.