Feeling so sad!

[chancer]

I am a lurker and hardly posted before but I am struggling big time today! I have spent weeks and weeks reading this board and getting inspiration from some of you on how you cope.

Today I just cannot stop crying though and don't know what to do.

My partner left at the end of Jan after telling me it was over on Boxing Day, none of this my choice! We have shared care of the kids & that's where they are now and I am so lonely!I don't get them back until sunday.

All his family are round meeting his new gf and it is tearing me in two!

I know I need to get over him but I don't know how, i wish someone could wave a magic wand and make all the hurt and pain go away.

Thanks for listening!

so sorry to read this chancer
if i had a magic wand i would be waving it now for you
can you get together with some girlfriends who can listen to you and have a laugh with?
failing that potter about at home and indulge yourself with a nice uninterrupted soak in the bath or curl up with a good book and a glass of wine
these are all things that i do when i'm child free
can't really advise re:ex as such as i think we all have our own ways of coping with this,but try if you can to keep your mind busy
easier said than done i know
keep your chin up xx

chancer.

Tbh, the only thing that I found that worked in the beginning was keeping busy - can you pop to the shops, read a book, see a friend? It is truly horrible, I sympathise, but it DOES get better. One day you will look back on this period and realise how strong you have been to survive it.

It sounds like you are being as civilised as possible for the dc. You are their mum, though, and that won't change even if he has a new gf. It is really early days, try to be kind to yourself (chocolate helps!). It is also very hard if his family seem to support the new relationship, I have been there... I hope you get to enjoy the rest of the day, try to make the most of having a break if possible...

Take care .

Thanks.

I have really good days and feel strong & that I am coping with everything and then it all comes crashing down again. I want to stop loving him but I can't. if I could only turn the clock back and do things differently I would.

think it is worse with it being a long weekend and all friends are busy doing family things. Will watch some garbage TV and have an early night I think.

Soon the good days will outnumber the bad - the holiday weekends can be crap, but many couples will also be busy arguing and you have lovely peace and quiet! I remember walking around with my ds just after his dad left and hearing all the 'happy family bbqs' going on, it is very hard and sometimes it feels as if you are the only one in this situation.

You can't turn the clock back, you can only work with what you have now... Who knows what the situation will be in six months time? You might find someone new, you might sort things out with your ex, you might decide that you are happy as you are... These periods when you crash are normal, you are still coming to terms with some massive changes. Trashy telly and an early night can be quite nice sometimes (most of the time!).

Take a pat on the back Chancer. It's only the 10th of April, January is still so very, very recent, especially following such a huge change that you didn't choose. This last few months have probably been amongst your hardest ever. But you got through them somehow.

Summer is coming and the worst months are hopefully behind you. I left my x (didn't really have any choice either though, he didn't treat me well) and it took a lot longer than four months for me to be able to tell people what happened without crying or wobbling..

It gets easier. One day you'll just realise, omg, I'm ............. content am I? [pinch] yes!

I wish I could press fast forward for you, to get you to that point. It's a pain, but I feel a lot stronger than I did 18 months ago. You will too.

As tempting as it might be to let your mind wander along different 'what if' scenarios, push the thoughts out of your head. I read this in a book I bought after a heart break (many years ago) and it does work. INdulging in what if daydreaming exacerbates your misery, even though it gives you momentary relief somehow. THe next time you find your mind slipping into the alternate scenario, the one where you did everything 'right' push it out of your head immediately. It's the only way to start feeling better. It is like kicking a nasty habbit.

ps, I liked to read too, nothing romantic though. Val McDiarmuid kind of books were good because I couldn't tolerate anything romantic.

I am dreading the summer in a way. I don't feel strong enough to take the boys away on my own (they are 6 & 3, but as their dad has someone else he is always doing things with them, I have always found things easier when shared with a partner. I am worried that they will not enjoy their time with me and want to be with their dad more.

They do not seem fazed by the break up at all and have even taken to daddies new 'friend'. It hurts so much when they chat about her but i obviously can't show them that.

I feel such a fraud as so many people are much worse off than me but it's not stopping me crying today.

i enjoy reading too and have loads of books to get through. Think it is just the lonelyness that is so hard & there is only so many times you can put on friends.

Chancer, My children are nearly 7 and 3, and I'm going to attempt just two nights in a hotel this summer. Big adventure for us. Our first holiday the 3 of us. I'm hanging on for a good deal though! We're taking our swimming costumes as there's a pool. It's just a town we've not been to before, but the train goes straight there, so it'll be easy. I really want us to do this though, to reinforce us as a family (of three), but if you're not ready for that, don't force it. Next summer you'll feel up to it.

I do think it's incredibly thoughtless of your x to introduce his family to his gf the same weekend that he has the children. I was going to say that was cruel, but I doubt he's analysed things from your perspective. You don't even have the children rushing around to take your mind off his insensitivity!

Don't feel a fraud for crying. Change is bloody HARD. Acceptance doesn't come overnight. It does take months. But it will come. Tbh, you sound sad but strong.

You say people are worse off than you, but everybody is entitled to feel sad. Perspective is a wonderful thing, and helped me, but it's no good until you're in the right phase of healing iykwim. I went to a talk given by a Ugandan man when I was about 6 months into my 'new life' and it did help, but I think it would have gone in one ear and out the other a few months before that. His plight wouldn't have touched me! bad as that sounds.

Mx

ps, I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to lean on your friends toooooo much.

Mumsnet allowed be to vent, rant, rage, digest, laugh, learn, accept, see other perspectives, get some new perspectives, move on (!)

It's just a personal thing, but I'm glad I didn't rely on my friends (good and kind and supportive though they are) for ALL the support I needed. It would have exhausted them. They probably weren't equipped to help me!!

Ir will get easier, maybe not perfect, but easier

The loneliness is hard, but you'll get used to spending time on your own.

I swear by lovefilm - I get four dvd's a month and I really look forward to getting them and I have a nice dinner and a couple of glasses of wine, but perhaps I am just a sad loner?

It must be especially hard your ex and his new girlfriend having a "happy families" event on the bank holiday - I find banks hols harder as everyone does family things..

It is just me and DS (3)and I am planning on taking him away for a wee break in the summer - a trip to London the the sleeper and a couple of nights in a cheapish hotel. "proper" holidys dont appeal to me as don;t want to be the odd one out among groups of families with mum, dad and 2.4 children!

Hi Chancer
Promise, promise, promise it will get easy
You are doing so well being so civilised
I am really happy now [ many of my married friends say they are jealous of our life] and thought I would never get out of that awful fog
Counselling helped and organising lots of things to do in the time I was by myself.
I know it sounds a cliche but could you join a health club, book club, evening dance class where there is no pressure and no need to be part of a couple.
I didn't go on holiday for a few years but have done every year since that.
have gone on a single parent holiday which was great as it gave my dc lots of friends and activities and me some-one to talk to.
Short breaks at Butlins and Centre Parks were good in the sense lots of the dc to do and keep busy - also kids clubs so you could have a spa treatment
How about Gingerbread - didnt suit me but my friends thought it great - lots to do on lonely Sat mornings and organised holidays and day outs
I would have probably hit some-one at the time if they said it to me - but the divorce was one of the best things to have happened to me
Lots of hugs

Thanks for all your messages, I wish I had come on here sooner, but I always believed I was strong & I could do this by myself! Like you say it is ggod to rant sometimes, even if no one reads it getting thngs written down always helps me.

I do have an Haven break booked at the next bank holiday (booked before we split up) and I am trying to summon up the courage to go. I suppose I can always drive back if it all gets too much.

I have had a bit of conselling at relate but have not found it helpful to be honest.

It hurts so much when the boys talk about the gf and what she has bought them and what they have done. He thinks that is fine but I know he wouldn't if it was the other way around!

Think I do need to join something I just need to get my act together!

Going out for a long walk now to clear my head but thanks for listening, i feel better already. Hopefully one day I will be the one giving positive messages out.

hi Chancer,

i too find mn very helpful and i am new here. It has been a lifesaver for me in the past 3 months.

Although my situation is different there are things you have writen that are so familiar. Like 'if i could turn the clock back'. I ve tortured myself million times with this. But as Margot said it is not point. Really. Dont do this to yourself. Also someone said to me: 'well if he was a good man then he wouldnt push you to make the mistakes that you did, and he would 'make' you to do the right things'. I dont know your case and dont know what you mean you would do different but please think about this.

As for the happy families, we all know that so often they look happy but...

Can you get close with other lone parents and organise weekends and holidays together? this is what i am planning to do when my baby arrives.

Finally , when you get sad think of all his bad points and irritating habits. This always helps me. As many posters said it will not be ok overnight so for now you just try to cope with every day.

go to bed early. tomorrow is another day. you will feel better in the morning and appreciate a lie in. plan to do some shopping or go for a run/excercise class first thing. let off some steam. plus the feel good factor of excercise will help and you can pig out for dinner tomorrow night and not feel bad

Hello Chancer,

how are you feeling today?

Hi Chancer - not much to add, but time DOES help (an awful cliche - but true).

A few months is nothing, I don't know how long you were together but you do need to give yourself time to get over it - little baby steps.

My ex left just over a year ago, and I can honestly say that while last year was the worst of my life - I am feeling so much beter about everything now.

Keep chatting on here.

Hi,

managed to keep myself busy today, had hair done, met friend for a coffee, bit of shopping so not feeling too bad, well that was til ds told me on the phone that he had been to meet gf's family today - whatever that means!! when does it stop feeling like a knife in the chest!

I am trying not to look back and wonder 'what if' but the future scares me too much to look forward. I can't bear to think of Xmas & the boys birthdays.

I would love to meet other single parents in my situation but wouldn't know where to start, all my friends are married with children and I hate putting on them. Even when I am in desparate need of a chat i don't feel able to contact them most of the time, nothing they have said, I just feel like a nusiance!

We were together 13 years and went through alot together, we were best friends and when he left he said that wouldn't change, but of course it has, how can he be friends with me when he is constantly with her, I can't turn to him when i am down as he is the cause of it!!

I am sure your friends want to help and support you - I know that mine have been wonderful, though I do feel a bit as you have described at times.

Definately know what you mean about meeting other single parents, I feel I can't intrude on my friend's weekends as their dh's around, and we didn't get together at the weekends before.

Gingerbread might be an option? Where abouts are you?

I am in Leeds. Don't get me wrong my friends have been great but I don't want them to get sick of me! The majority of them are mutual friends as well (or there dh's are) so feel like I am putting them in a difficult situation sometimes.

Just tried the gingerbread website and they are having problems with it so will try again after easter.

On a positive day I think 'why would I want to be with someone who doesn't love me' I think it is the lonleyness that makes me miss him so much and I also think I am jealous of his new relationship in a way. he
has not given himself time on his own, time to reflect. he is never lonely!

it can be very up and down - you are right in the "why would I want to be with him", but also he has been a massive part of your life for along time.

Just keep going, try and make room for nice times for yourself, take it easy.

Hi, another one here who can vouch for things getting easier with time. Just a shame time can go rather slowly.

Anyway, I would really reccomend rearranging your house, not only can it keep you busy, but it makes the space yours. Do things you would not have done with the ex.