Feeling a bit down....

[odearyme]

My 4 year old Ds has just come back from a few days with his Dad.

Background, his Dad was quite an aggressive, nasty man, and we finally split nearly two years ago. He was paid no maintenance and left me with debts which are approximatly £150 a month.

Most days I feel ok, but since Ds arrived back, he's been constantly saying how much he wasnts to go back to his Dad's, how he doesn't like me etc, and I've spent the past hour in tears.

I've not stopped access at all, even though he has been constantly nasty towards me since the split.

I just want to know, will I ever stop feeling insecure about being a good mum, and how do I get over this overbearing resentment. I feel like the financial situation I have been left in has cause me to be stressed out and depressed all the time, and I can't move on and be the mum I want to be.

Sorry about all the waffling, Just needed to write down whats in my head.

hi - i wouldnt worry about ds, he doesnt mean it as you know, but a few days away will be like a holiday to both of them. isnt like the real day in/day out life. he'll be back to normal tomorrow no doubt.

as far as resentment goes, once you realise just how much better off you are now - despite the financial side - you'll soon stop reseneting him for putting you in it.

life is way better without a dodgy partner, just takes a while sometimes to realise it.

That's crap, I'm sorry to hear it. I wonder if this is just the only way your ds knows how to show he is upset about not having his dad around? I can't believe he means that. My daughter will say she loves me, then hates me all in the same day, my mum cheered me up by saying she thinks that means my dd feels safe with me otherwise she wouldn't dare say these things.

If you are still feeling crap after two years, I wonder whether you might benefit from some counselling, just talking things through with another person can really help. Your GP can refer you to NHS counselling, but there are waiting lists.

It is better to be on your own than with someone who was aggressive and nasty but when life grinds you down it's sometimes hard to see that. I find myself envying couples even though I know nothing about them and what troubles they might have.

When I get like this it is usually because I'm tired and/or hungry so I try to make something nice to eat and have an early night.

I hope things seem better in the morning.

Yeah I am very tired!!

I'm scaredd his dad will turn him against me. He had all his lovely blonde hair cut off, and he's full of horrible insults, which when I ask, he says his dad told him to say it.

I've never said bad things to Ds about his dad, as much as sometimes I've been tempted.

I feel boring and no fun, and his dad swams in with all the money and does all the things I can't. He is even talking about taking him to disney world. I had to cancel last years holiday as he left me paying his debts.

I've been to counselling, and now most days are good days, but Ds is now sobbing in bed as he wants his dad. If ex wasn't so nasty I'd be pleased. One phrase out of a book I read sticks in my mind. "A good father doesn't abuse the mother of his child".

I just don't know how to let all this go. I want to move on with my life, but at every turn he is there making life impossible.

One child psychologist was asked 'what is the best thing a father can do for his child' and he answered 'love the child's mother'.

your ex sounds a nasty twat, but I expect you know that.

Your son may copy his behaviour, just because he doesn't know any better. I wouldn't take any of this personally. I think you've just got to carry on as you have been doing, it will be worth it in the end but I know that sometimes the road seems very hard and very long.

But your ex is the real loser and your son will, sadly, know this one day.

when my dd cries for her dad, I go in and try to comfort her and say she'll see him soon and isn't she lucky to have a dad who loves her (not enough to want to live anywhere near her, but that is a story for when she is much, much older). Sometimes she cheers up, sometimes she doesn't and I just have to leave her to it.

Go and get some sleep, if you can. Things always seem bleaker when you are tired.

from the sound of it you are by far the better person so never mind feeling boring and no fun. youre there for ds every day and he'll see that as he gets older. is easy for the absent parent to treat their kids when they dont have to bring them up. can you imagine his dad doing all you have done as well as you have?

and dont worry about him turning ds against you - i guess that is a common dread of the single parent - just bring him up as you think right, and if he's full of horrible insults then he needs telling that theyre wrong. as does his dad.

Thanks, I feel better already. It's just so wearing. Why does he dedicate so much time into making me feel like crap??! The more happy i get, th emore I withdraw, the more he steps his game up. I've answered my own question there really.

Sleep is a good idea, then do lots of fun stuff tomorrow!

Try to feel sorry for him. He must be very unhappy to keep focusing on dragging you down. but he isn't your problem. You'll always have a link because you have a child together, but don't give him space in your head.

Have a really good sleep and have a great day tomorrow. there are loads of free easter egg hunts on near me, hopefully something similar near you.