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Lone parents

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Original poster

Am going to ask H to leave. What happens next?

15 replies

needtomoveon · 03/04/2009 13:49

H is a very damaged man - lousy childhood. He has had help but I think it all runs too deep. We have been to Relate twice and the GP surgery counsellor together. I am now seeing her on my own and each week the stark truth staring me in the face is that our marriage is dead in the water. We have two DCs (3 and 18 mos). Can anyone help me with what happens next. I expect him to resist moving out (not violent in the past but a heavy drinker with unpredictable moods). I went to see Citizens Advice and they are going to get a family worker to come and see me. Our mortgage is joint. I paid a big deposit but he pays the mortgage now while I am mostly SAHM.

Plus there was a really positive thread about how leaving a bad marriage can be life changing - quite recent but I can't find it. Does anyone remember it?
Thanks

OP posts:

nametaken · 03/04/2009 14:38

Sorry to hear about your relationship breakdown and yes, there are lots of threads here about how positive a break-up can be.

You say that you expect dh to resist leaving. Is that because he is being awkward or is it because he doesn't have a second home to live in. If you only have one home, and your splitting up, you're gonna have to come up with a solution so you both have somewhere to live. Otherwise, he won't be able to move out.

This is gonna be your biggest obstacle. Could you sell the house (in agreement, obviously) and buy 2 smaller properties.

lostdad · 03/04/2009 15:23

Isn't it unreasonable to ask someone to leave their home?

How would you feel and react if he asked you to leave?

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2009 15:31

If the marriage is over(and I have personal experience of living with a similiar h,now an ex thankfully) then he needs to know asap.

The family home should be for the DC's and their carer, be that mum or dad. Assume the DC will remain with you? And assume he will be happy for DC to remain in their own home?

I'd see a solicitor too.

Original poster

needtomoveon · 03/04/2009 15:36

As I am not the one choosing to sabotage the marriage with heavy drinking, debts and anger issues then yes, he has to leave, or change and I can't force him to do that. Some of me hopes that this will be the wake up call that he will change his life to stay with his family but I know with alcohol that is not something I can make him do. he has to want to do it.

Oh and Lostdad, I paid for two thirds of this house. I have 98% of childcare responsibilities.

OP posts:

StercusAccidit · 03/04/2009 15:37

Lostdad.....she isn't the one with the drink problem...he's the pisshead, if he doesn't like it why doesn't he do something about it ?

StercusAccidit · 03/04/2009 15:39

X-posts sorry op

And its not like with DC's that age its a decision she has taken lightly....after trying counselling and allsorts, not like she just 'decided' one day she didn't like him and wanted him out. She's tried her hardest.

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2009 15:44

the thread you were asking about is in aibu . Called 'to ask dh to bring some shopping home' or similiar wording. The op is getting loads of good advice about to leave her heavily drinking, abusive husband!! Seems there are lots of these failing fathers around!! Too many...

lostdad · 03/04/2009 15:57

What who put in finance-wise is completely irrelevant in the eyes of court. They're marital assets. You could have put in everything and they'd still be marital assets and treated as such.

Stercus, you may be right. I can't tell from what's in this thread so far.

Simple question though: Would anyone think No problem' if asked to leave their home? Maybe a better question would be Is it reasonable for me to be forced out of my home?'

I know it sounds harsh, but those the bones of it.

lostdad · 03/04/2009 16:02

And the OP is right that someone who has problems they won't address won't change until they want to.

I'm still dealing with that one 2 years down the line.

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2009 16:04

If he's been having all this counselling and help then I think it's fair to say lostdad, that it's crossed his mind that the relationship is going to end!!? And he's choosing to make it worse for his wife and DC by drinking exessively. So it could be argued that he himself is ending this relationship!!

The logistics of who lives where will be down to how he feels about his DC and keeping them secure in their home.

If op leaves and takes DC then chances are he won't be able to continue with his mortgage AND pay child support

SarahMac30 · 04/04/2009 13:02

Hello. So sorry to read of this. It's such a sad time for all involved. Not wanting to sound heartless to your H as he obviously has issues to deal with and will now find himself looking for another home, but I have to say that you need to put your children and yourself first. He is a grown man and will have to deal with the situation that he has effectively created for himself. There are likely to be lots of tears and 'sorry's' and 'I'll change' but at the end of the day only he can sort himself out,and this should be important to him especially where such young children are involved.
Perhaps all that is needed at this stage is some space between you both. Maybe if you explain this to him when you ask him to move out and suggest he stays with a friend or family member for a while as a trial seperation.
In my own experience my ex H did not change. He was glad to be rid of his grown up life with a wife and child and couldn't wait to find the next party. If you know deep down that he won't change then make a clean break.
Do you have family and friends nearby who can help and support you? You will need as much emotional support as possible. It is a hard time, not just financially or the logistics of who lives where and sees the children when, but it takes some time to make the emotional adjustment. It is almost a grieving process, even in the worst marriages. You find yourself grieving for what you had thought you had when you first married and started a family. It's normal.
It DOES get better and there is life after divorce and single parenting.
Do keep us posted and do what you feel is right for you and your children. Only you can know in your gut what you have to do.

Original poster

needtomoveon · 05/04/2009 16:24

Thanks for (almost all) the posts. He is not a bad man but he is a very hard person to be with. He has no friends just some drinking buddies which I think says a lot. He finds it hard to be close which is very sad for him. I would love him to find it easier to open up and accept family life with all it's messiness (emotions and actual mess)

I really would be delighted if he could change but only he can take those steps. I will carry on finding out the legal position and so on. Funnily enough he has been trying this weekend to be around more for the kids and a bit more understanding though he lost is with DC1 this morning he did apologise to her which is unusual.

I have a few sessions with the counsellor left to try and work out what to do.

OP posts:

SarahMac30 · 05/04/2009 18:27

You sound really positive about the whole situation. It must be so hard for you and for you to keep such a realistic attitude is admirable. At least you will know you have done everything you can to make the relationship work but as you say, only he can help himself.
Try to keep talking at this stage even without the counciller. It seems from your post that he realises he needs to be more understanding. They are small steps but they are there nonetheless. Perhaps it's a turning point for him.
Good luck.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 05/04/2009 18:31

Lostdad: a person who mistreats other family members or behaves in ways which are damaging to the rest of the family loses the right to live in the family home, end of. Why should this man's partner and children have their lives blighted by his drinking and temper tantrums?

cestlavielife · 06/04/2009 16:27

no he wont think it reasonable to be asked to move; why should he? just as he thinks it reasonable to continue drinking, showing anger etc.... he would find it unreasonable to be asked to take steps...

can you test the water somehow - in calm time, say this isnt working, i think one of us will need to move...

with my ex - he made it clear he would never move out. "this is my home and i will never leave it".

solicitor advised it was case of waiitng til it got bad enough (physical violence) to get him removed by injunction... i am not sure if tehre are cases of getting a partner removed on basis of emotional abuse, dirnking etc rather than physical violence?

there seemed no way out...til i upped and moved myself and 3 dcs.

the only time he said "oh this is silly I will be the one to move out" was the day i turned up with friends to move, this having fled the night before and stayed with dcs with a relative after he got angry and kicked me...

i had tested the water in joint counselling/therapy --but i think he just didnt believe it? who knows. he never did and still does not accept his behaviour was unreasonable...there is little you can do about that.

does he have somewhere to go you can suggest?
if not v difficult...tho i do know someone who called agencies, found the ex a place and took him to sign the rental agreement because he just wasnt going to do it himself...

a year later he remains in the joint home and refuses to discuss financial issues, putting it in his name only so i can buy somewhere else etc... i continue renting.

will have to push the financial side - get out of joint ownership etc i am the one earning hence was able to rent somewhere, but cant leave it in limbo.

there are exes who maintain joint accounts etc - but that is when they are able to talk and discuss and when both are agreed they are separated.

i think you need to be very wary of his reaction.... possibly he aint going to like it.

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