H had an affair and am now single mum to DS (9mnths) and struggling to cope with my feelings

[McCharlieMouse]

I posted a long an involved thread in the ?relationships? section a few weeks ago explaining my circumstances and I'm afraid this is another long one...but to summarise:

• h had affair (lasting 5 mnths) when I was pregnant
• found out about affair when DS 9 weeks old (Sept) and threw h out
• h dithered about what he wanted and subsequently we jointly decided to give things a go/ went to relate and tried to piece things back together
• booked a family holiday in early March but 3 days before h said he was still in love with ow and had seen her 'a few times'.
• he said he needed time out to think and then the next I heard him and ow had buggered off on a golfing holiday to Dubai without telling anyone (no phone contact - no way of getting in touch in case of an emergency with DS)
• I filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago

So this all brings me to now. I've found myself a single mother to gorgeous DS but am struggling to even vaguely be civil to h when we are trying to sort out practicalities. I know DS is the most important thing and I am desperately trying to focus on him and am arranging things with h so he see's DS regularly (no overnight at mo' as DS still so young, but one evening, one morning during the week and every other weekend) but I have such overpowering feelings of hurt and anger towards h because of what he has done. All I want to do is make him feel a tiny bit of the hurt and anger I feel and am finding it hard to put all that aside when we need to discuss DS. This week has been partic bad as I started back at work. So the added stress of DS going to nursery and me having more thinking time during the day. H also thinks that I am being unreasonable and am stopping him seeing DS and/ or only planning time at my convenience and he still seems to have the ability to make me feel guilty...

I want to try and move forwards and not resort to communicating solely through solicitors but I hate h so much at the moment. Any reminder of his ow sets me off, however tiny and insignificant (eg, I saw her spare car key on his key ring). I spend time worrying about DS meeting ow and DS spending overnights with h (both of which I know will happen at some point, and I realise that I must accept that).

Is there anyone out there who has been through anything similar....how do you do it, when might I feel something resembling normality?

yes McCharlieMouse

My H is with the woman he had an affair with. has already played happy families with my ds.

Even over a year later i can't be civil, and refer to ow as the school bike!

don't know what else to say , apart from i wish my ex felt the hurt i do!
Unfortunately he is too busy playing house and sh*ing!

(((((((((((((((())))))))))))))

Hugs to you it will get better , but it is virtually impossible to be civil with my exh, we communicate by text, the only thing is , he will bejust as vile and abusive to ow when he gets tired of pretending!

((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hugs to you and your DS!

Hi,
I dont have any advice to give you but when i read your thread i felt for you, it is no wonder you feel so hurt.

I think your ex sounds a HORIBLE man and maybe you are lucky that you dont have to share your bed anymore with him and i would feel VERY SORRY for his new woman. He ll do the same to her one day anyway. Dont think about the far future because by then i dont think they will even be together!

My situation is different than yours but i find that when i feel low and come here i can see that i am not the only one, i feel less lonely. And you can see how many women here have overcome very hard situations and raised their kids very well.

They are also very supportive. They have give me support and kind words when i need it and it has helped me alot.

I am sure they will give you advice and support. I will watch the thread and if there are not posts i will bump again.

Please keep strong x

Been there, and nearly a year on (less than that if you take hs dithering between us into account)I am still angry. But much less than I was so long ago. In fact, last night when xh came to put ds to bed and had a good ol rant at me for being so unreasonable about everything (it was even my fault he had the affair), I actually laughed. It seemed so funny to me - him being a tosser and blaming me - so I really was laughing as he ran on and on and on. As you can guess, after nearly a year, we are still not civil either..

This is still very raw for you. It DOES get easier, but it will take some time.

I think you need to distance yourself from him and have as little contact as possible with him. Hard, I know, but in the end it helps you heal. So when he sees ds, can you go out? Just do a VERY BRIEF handover, dont engage in any conversation etc.

And I know how you feel about ds and ow. When I discovered mine had met her (xh lied, but ds told me), I was livid - jealous, angry, hurt. But now I think - so what, I will always be mum. I dont think of MY stepdad like I think of my real dad iyswim, so she isnt really competition. And he will see so little of her anyway.

I have overnights to come in a couple of weeks I am sure she will be there. So I am going out with a group of mates and drinking a lot

Do you have anything in your new single life to look forward to? If not, can you make something to look forward to? so you are looking forward, not back iyswim

Huge unmnet hugs. It is HORRIBLE, and I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy (hmmm, well perhaps on ow lol). But you WILL look back in time and feel a bit better.

Just arrange nights out with the girls if you can, then think about them babysitting while you are having fun.

and you will always be DS's mummy OW will never take that from you. All she's done you is a huge favour, getting rid of that twat for you and lets face it, you don't have a prison sentence for killing him cos she has took him off your hands lol.

Just think yaaay finally rid, and in the real downtimes get support from friends in RL or post on here

And..well done. x

Thanks for the support everyone....I do know it will get better but sometimes its hard to see that as there still seems so much to sort out before we can get divorced, never mind the thought of being civil to him for the next 17 years of DS's life!

Lots of friends offering nights out, so trying to plan a variety of things in over the next few weeks.

Trying not to think too much about DS being away overnights as it is still a bit in the future (good luck RTRP with your overnights - have a big glass of wine for me while you are out with your mates!).

I guess I sort of knew being civil would be nigh on impossible in the short term (I do try and go out when h here to avoid seeing him) but I'm so keen to try and avoid wasting thousands of pounds on solicitors that I would like to try and sort out contact with DS (and at least some of our financial stuff) ourselves, and that involves being able to speak to him!

I've been through this. i never thought i could be so angry with anyone as i was with my ex. virtually my every thought towards him initially was murderous and full of hurt, rage and anger.

Three years on... he means absolutely nothing to me. infact i feel a bit sorry for him.

The answer is time i'm afraid, but a couple of strategies in the meantime that may help.

Whenever you are talking/texting/emailing him, imagine that a third person (whoever you like) will hear what you are saying. This will help you keep calm and maintain your dignity (which will be so important to you later).

Plan a future for yourself. Even if its just reconciling yourself to life alone with DS. Plan his room yourself, a holiday anything. And try and cope with as much on your own as you can (i had no support from anyone else but hopefully you do have some).

Conjure up a scenario that is worse than the one you are currently in. eg. you might have gone on to have 3 kids together, then found out that all along he'd been having an affair, had a second family that you knew nothing about.. had run up loads of debts, had kicked you out in the street... anything, to make you think that things could be worse. And hang on to that thought.

It wont change whats happened. Nothing can do that, its just about how you cope with it.

And as for him saying you are doing things at your convenience i would say to him politely that he has created this situation, you are the one that is dealing with DS day to day and that it is your right, at the moment, to arrange things for yours and DS's convenience. He obviously wasnt thinking about what was convenient for you when he was sneaking off and having sex with this woman, or when he left to set up home with her.

I hope that wasnt too much of a rant, or too long, and i hope it helps.

If its any consolation, 3 years on I couldnt be happier to be on my own with DS, much better than living a lie and living with someone who could do what he did.

MM is bang on with that post IMO

Well said !!

Thanks MM that is really helpful and so good to hear that you have come out the other end happy just being you and DS.

I do sort of know I'll come out of this ok at the end (whenever that maybe!) sometimes though the light at the end of the tunnel is very dim and murky so hearing about how other people have coped really helps.

Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is some other fker coming the other way with a torch lol

Seriously though.. it will be bloody hard, and painful, and you will be angry and have the occasional murderous thought.

But at the end of the day, you are FREE.
You have a beautiful child.
You don't have to answer to anyone.

Other people's stories are inspirational and so will yours be one day. Just remember you are unique in your experience, and individual. Some things others found easy, will be hard for you and vice versa.

Just take every day as it comes

He's only a man.
Best way to get over one of those is to get under another one ...Joke!
Spend some time on your own, heal, find out who you are, what you want, what makes you happy, what you will and will not put up with. Then when it comes to looking for dating or a relationship in the future, you will be able to fish in a clean pool cos if you fish in a murky one (while you are still down and a target for those with victim radar) you will only catch toads.

Thanks SA - you made me chuckle!

My pleasure.

May it be the first of many

McC, have been through it too. OW was a very close friend of mine to boot so treachery was double. And she was soooooo nasty. They both were. My dcs were 4 and 20m. I never thought I'd get over it. The thing that kept me going was that I knew what a primadona (sp) she was and that it wouldn't be long before she'd get fed up of his snoring and all those massive little irritations and I felt I had a lucky escape from such a scumbag.

Long story short, they did get fed up with each other, he had an affair, she was desperate for children and she was unable to have any and things went pear shaped for them so the whole thing ended in her leaving without a penny but took all the stuff from their rented flat and left him one fork, one knife, one spoon, plate, cup etc.

So it didn't turn out happily ever after for them either. Their relationship unfolded in quite a disastrous way.

And me? I've still got my dc's, my house, held down my job, and I have a lovely partner.

It will take loads of hurt, some time, some crying, some sheer determination and dignity.

Set your destination and get there.

I'm sorry you and ds have been subjected to this, I do hope you can get over this. And there's loads of us here who have been there and got through it.

SA- Well put.

Thanks AM92.

Sorry to hear you have had a similar experience but pleased to hear you are getting through it.

I'll have a look at the book you suggest and am already planning all sorts of things in for weekends and the odd evening here and there (mainly they all seem to involve drinking large quantities of wine with friends!!).

I hope things continue to work out for you.

Hi McCharlie Mouse
Just wanted to say I read your thread and I am sending you hugs.

My situ slightly different but I can understand the anger you feel towards your ex.

Don't worry about whatever he thinks is reasonable or not - he has absolutely no right to dictate to you - esp. since he was the one who did the dirty. You are not telling him he can't have a part in your child's life, but he has to respect that as the one who has left and done the dirty work, he doesn't get the priviledges he once had. He can't see your LO whenever he wants. Tough crap.

That is very very hard and I'm not very good at that at all, but, he needs to respect you and what the fact you are doing the best by yourself and your son.

Chin up

xx

I can only advise to go and find a good Relate counsellor to get the rant out of your system, it worked for me when I dumped my ex when he became violent.

It really helped me stay focused on my goals for the future and kept me sane.

I can't recommend it highly enough.

It was especially useful because this particular woman was also a single parent and yet wasn't coming out of it from her own baggage unlike some counsellors.

They will even only charge £5 a session as this happened to a friend of mine who was on income support. They assess your finances no matter what and there is a sliding scale.

The only drawback is a waiting list of course.

Other than that there may be a womens centre in your area for a counsellor but I do not know how experienced these ones would be - where I used to live they were all inexperienced ones trying to gain further exp. but this may not be true of other neighbourhoods.

Good luck!

McCharlieMouse, just wanted to offer some support as you did on my thread about my h and his ow.

How are things for you now? Cant really offer you any advice as you know Im in the same situation. Communication with my h has thawed a little this week(despite being sick as a dog the 1st time I saw him last weekend!) I just try to keep things brief although its all I can manage to NOT ask about the ow. Hope things are looking a little better for you this week.

Hi WDYAT, glad communication is getting a bit better for you. Communication none existant here (well...only on email/text).

I bundled up all my financial info to my solicitor over the weekend so just waiting to get an appt to discuss things. I feel a bit better every time I do something proactive to move things forward.

H is still a complete wanker. This morning he was supposed to be round early to give DS breakfast and take him to nursery (and to give me a small lie in) he texted at 6am when DS up to say he was 'feeling a bit rough' and could he come tmoro instead!!!

Various emails this morning with him which ended with him saying he thinks he's made 'the biggest and most awful mistake of his life'!!! Unfortunately its all a bit late and there is no going back after the way he has treated me....but it does make me feel quite sad to think what he has thrown away for nothing, and yet again he shows his selfish side by actually telling me that...I really didn't need to hear it.

Sending hugs to you, hope things move forwards for you and you start to feel something resembling normal soon.

Sorry things are still hard for you at the moment. Hope your h turned up this morning for you? At least he has had his wtf moment by the sounds of it and realises exactly what he has done. I dont think my h will ever realise what he has done. He is far too self absorbed and selfish still.

Communication is stalling a bit here now. Thought it was too good to be true, we had been getting on too well and was due another rant from him. Still I know that his pattern now is to rant, rave and shout at me then he is sorry etc then its back to being normal before it all starts again.

Thank you, and hope the same for you too!

Similar situation here except my XH toing and froing went on a lot longer and resulted in a baby with the OW!
I so remember those feelings of hurt and anger
As someone said earlier, time is what it needs, time and be kind to yourself !
3 years later, XH is still a prat, still causing me upset and trauma, BUT I no longer care, he no longer has the capacity to wound me, I am happy with my 2 gorgeous DD's, my lovely new DP, my house and my job, meanwhile he is an angry, pathetic excuse for a man with nothing!
It gets better I promise, 3 years ago, I was in the depths of despair, I couldnt see any way I would feel normal or happy again, but I am and far more than before

Thanks Macdoodle, its always nice to hear from people who have come out the other end, sometimes I find it very hard to remember what feeling 'normal' is like! On the days I don't see h I feel so much better as I can just get on with things and enjoy my time with DS, then up h pops either on email or round to the house to see DS and I feel crappy again. He's round tonight...so a bad day today, but I do have a lovely bank holiday weekend to look forward to with DS and no h!

Hope all is ok for you this evening when your h comes round. It still makes me almost on edge when I see or speak to my h. I feel like im walking on eggshells with him half the time.

macdoodle, I agree it is nice to hear from people who have been through this and are now on the other side and feeling much better and happier about things.

I hope you enjoy your weekend McCharlie. I am also looking forward to the weekend with my dc but part of me always feels sick about just what h is upto. Im trying to get past this point but finding it hard at the moment!