Urgent advice needed re: ex and DD of 9

[sparkyoldbint]

My ex is taking DD of 9 on a skiing holiday at the weekend. The flight is at around 11am on Sunday so they'll need to leave his house at 8.30am. I've just discovered she'll be competing at a swimming gala the night before Sat and she's unlikely to get away before 8pm so won't be in bed until 10pm. I knew he was having her Sat night but assumed they'd have an early night and just chill out.

The first I heard of the gala was DD saying this morning that she was worried about not being able to do some sort of dive for the competition - I had no idea she'd be swimming. I found all this out in a conversation with my ex just now and when I suggested that this was too much activity for a 9 year old, he went ballistic, saying how dare I question what she does when she's with him, that I was a drama queen and generally being totally disresepectful and rude. I kept my cool but told him how unhappy I was and that we should talk later tonight.

My ex has always been a total bully and tried to walk all over me and he's still doing it. I know reasonable discussion probably won't solve anything and if I suggest to him that it's not in her best interests to do the swimming because she'll be exhausted, he'll simply tell me that I'm talking rubbish. He has her almost 50% of the time currently and she loves him to bits and I don't want to upset her. I'm thinking that as her mum she ought to be spending more time with me - say 2 nights a week and every other weekend. My ex is having a baby in June with his new GF and also has another DD of 8 from an affair he had when we were together. I hate the man and wish he were out of my life but of course not possible.

Can anyone advise me on the best way to handle this? I'm still shaking from the vile way he just spoke to me on the phone.

[mankymummy]

personally i think you are over-reacting. if she wants to go to the swimming gala i would let her. she can always sleep in the car or on the plane.

maybe your issue is that you arent seeing her enough... how often do you see her?

you have to separate how you feel for your ex from whats best for your DD.

i know its hard, my ex is a total dick too.

[FiveGoMadInDorset]

Sorry I think that you are over-reacting aswell. You say that you shrare her 50/50, when you say about 2 nights a wekk and every other weekend, is that the access what you want him to have?

[beanieb]

I thik you are over-reacting also. He shouldn't have been vile on the phone but it sounds like you are trying to stop him from doing stuff with her which might have tipped him over the edge.

It's not possible for him to be out of your life, not while your daughter wants him there. I would try to spend less time getting upset about him and his new baby and his 8 year old and just try to be happy in your own life.

[lostdad]

`I'm thinking that as her mum she ought to be spending more time with me - say 2 nights a week and every other weekend'.

Not being funny, but - why?

If your dd is thriving with the arrangements, why would you want to change things? If she's not, it's worth looking at would suit her better. Surely that'd be the only reason?

[sparkyoldbint]

Thanks, I've calmed down a bit and maybe I am over-reacting. Just to clarify our current arrangement is exactly 50/50, he gets more than 2 nights during the week.
I know it's an issue between me and him but I'm concerned he might be making her do too much stuff because it suits him, that's all.

I think as her mother I have a right to know what's happening when she goes abroad but he's basically trying as hard as he can to withold the details.

Mankymummy, maybe I do feel I'm not seeing her enough. I work full-time and he hasn't got a job (never has) so he does most of the pick-ups even if it's my night with her. Because I work, I spend a great deal of my free(!) time running the household and although I do a lot of things with her too, I don't take her out as much as him. He's never done much at home and with him it's all activities out of the house.

[Twims]

Sorry but I think that your DD will be fine - yes she may be tired but she will have at least 9 hours sleep in her bed, before she goes to the airport etc and can sleep on the plane and then coach to the ski resort.

I think your feelings about EXDH are blurring the issue in your mind.

Can you clarify what you mean about having a 50/50 split and then you saying about wanting to see DD 2 nights a week and every other weeknd?

[lostdad]

sparkyoldbint - as long as you're both working together for her benefit, there's nothing more you can do.

You and your ex would have disagreed concerning your dd if you hadn't split up and the fact you have if anything increases the chance this will happen from time to time.

It does hurt not having your dd all the time (and by God I know it, only seeing my ds once a fortnight) because whatever happens, you'll be seeing her less than you would have done if you and your ex hadn't split.

Parenting is hard enough as it is - it's harder when you've split up, but our children still deserve a good childhood and it's clear that's what you want.

[sparkyoldbint]

Thanks Lostdad, your posts are always so helpful and objective despite (or maybe because) of what you're going through yourself.

Twims, I wasnt' clear! I was trying to say that I think her dad should have her no more than two nights during the week and every other weekend. Currently it's a bit more.

[AnitaBlake]

Sorry but why should she only see her dad two nights a week and EOW? It isn't about him seeing her, but the other way round, if your DD is happy with the current arrangement, there is no reason to change it!