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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

How am I going to cope???

28 replies

Knickers0nMaHead · 26/03/2009 02:06

I've decided that we can no longer be happy together. After he did something unforgivable, topped with his drinking and his wap addiction I just cant do it anymore.

I am so upset that I am breaking up our family. I'm scared, petrified even. I have never even been on my own, never mind with two kids to look after too.

I have no idea what happens now.

I'm heartbroken and scared of being alone.

What do I do?

Will I be ok being a single parent?

I know none of this makes sense and I am sorry. I just need to chat. I'm in a right old state here.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 26/03/2009 02:15

Ok, first you need to look at the practical stuff - are you married, do you have a mortgage or do you rent, what can you afford on your own, have you investigated any benefits that might be available to you as a single parent?

Second, yes, you will be Ok as a single parent, but it'll be hard.

Original poster
Knickers0nMaHead · 26/03/2009 02:19

No we are not married. Mortgage in his name. I have nothing. I dont work so have no cash at all. I have already looked into housing. I am on the council list and looking for private rented that will accept dss.

Thank you for replying OLKN.

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 26/03/2009 02:25

I can't help with practical stuff because I am overseas where things are different but you will be ok. It won't be easy but you will manage.

Do you have friends/ family nearby?

For other advice, you could talk to your CAB.

Sorry

Original poster
Knickers0nMaHead · 26/03/2009 02:29

No family really. Have a friend who I could talk to but she has that much going off in her own life at the moment that I dont feel able to talk to her about this.

I dunno, maybe I should stay and try and make it work.

This should of been in relationships really

sorry.

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 26/03/2009 02:32

Well, the first thing is to make sure you are sure. Have you told DP that you are planning on leaving? Can you try to get some money together over the next few weeks?

And, if you were my friend, I would rather you talked to me than worried that I had too much going on in my own life. Even when I have been going through awful times, I wanted my friends to treat me the same and to know I was still there for them.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 26/03/2009 02:32

OK, the mortgage (and presumably house) is in his name - but you have two children together. Even though you're not married, your children have a right to a roof over their head, and I'm pretty sure that he can't make you (and the DCs) leave. I'm further pretty sure that you can make him leave, and continue to pay the mortgage, until your younger DC is 18 - but please seek legal advice over this, because I'm not any sort of qualified and am going largely by what I've read on MN over a couple of years!

You will also be entitled to benefits of some sort - at this point I really do give up because it's all waaaay too complicated for me - and maintenance from your dp, possibly via the CSA (but I'm sure other folk can give you much better advice than I can).

In short, I can't really give much by way of practical advice (despite my first reply ) but I can assure you that, although it will be difficult, you can, and will make it through this.

SuperBunny · 26/03/2009 02:36

Actually, please do NOT move out until you have spoken to CAB and/ or solicitor. If you do, you can jeopardise your right to live there. I am sure someone who knows more about this will come along soon but please make sure you have had proper advice before you do anything.

LuJay · 26/03/2009 03:24

This post could have been written by me. I am married, 2 very young children, forcing separation right now until he is ready to 'come clean' with EVERYTHING and seek the professional help we need getting through this crisis. i'm a stay at home mum (no income), mortgage in his name but you know what, you have to do what you have to do. Be strong and know that you WILL get through this. i don't know the particulars of why you are separating but i will say this... what sort of message do you want to send to your children? 1. stay in a marriage and accept less than the acceptable or 2. you deserve respect and love and if you don't get it, you leave.
i know which one i want to teach my children. Stay strong, you can do this. You are not alone.

LuJay · 26/03/2009 03:25

ps: YOU are not breaking up your family - it seems HE doesn't need any help at all in doing that.

Original poster
Knickers0nMaHead · 26/03/2009 10:02

I know its all down to me. I have anger issues which makes him do what he does. I had an appt to speak to someone and I bottled it because I was scared. Have rung this morning and made another appt but I know its too late.
I made his addictive personality worse. And I made him do what he did.

OP posts:
LuJay · 26/03/2009 10:14

One person can not MAKE another person do anything. Did you hold a gun to his head? You MUST stop blaming yourself for HIS actions. He is a grown man and should be quite capable and in control of what he does and does not do.

LuJay · 26/03/2009 10:16

ps: seeking help for your anger issues is definitely a step in the right direction. perhaps you will lead by example and prompt your guy to seek help for his addiction.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 26/03/2009 10:16

Hi! agree with Lujay
yes you will cope as a single parent,it is hard for sure
but so is being in an unhappy marriage/relationship
i would rather accept the former than the latter
you cannot put a price on your own happiness and sanity
you owe it to yourself and to your dc
you are strong enough to get thru this and you will always be listened to and helped out on here
xx

mummyfantastico · 26/03/2009 10:54

I had never lived on my own and thought I would fall to pieces when XH left, but i coped and after a while realised I was strong and independent, which was a fantastic feeling.
Good luck!

wotulookinat · 26/03/2009 11:08

Knickers - you have taken a positive step by making the decision. It will be hard on your own, but you are a good mum and you will cope.
And I'm here whenever you need me. Come over today if you want. I haven't got the car today but I have got tea bags and plenty of milk! And coffee.

Original poster
Knickers0nMaHead · 26/03/2009 12:54

I have got an appt today at 2pm then got to rush back for plummer.
Wot, can I come tomorrow after cm?

I got offered a house today, asked ex if he could be my garantor, n he said no, that I need to sort it out myself.

So I am stuck here until the council pull their fingers out!

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 26/03/2009 13:23

Of course you can.
Why did you ask your ex to be guarantor? What about your dad?

Original poster
Knickers0nMaHead · 26/03/2009 13:36

It's got to be someone who has their own house hasnt it?

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 26/03/2009 13:44

Depends on the criteria of the landlord. We have been guarantors for DH's brother before and we didn't own our own place.
Was it an agency?

citronella · 26/03/2009 13:51

You are not not responsible for someone else's addictions and behaviour. People do and act according to how their personality reacts to situations but we can only be responsible for our own behaviour.

Good luck you are are already taking steps forward.

wotulookinat · 26/03/2009 13:56

Well said citronella!

blushingm · 26/03/2009 21:20

knickers - hi i hope you don't think i'm following you around MN - i was worried - cat me if you want to 'unload' to a stranger type friend (??) type person xxx

wotulookinat · 27/03/2009 14:38

Knickers - hope you're ok. Sorry you couldn't make it today. In future, please can you send a quick text so I know and don't wait around for you.

Original poster
Knickers0nMaHead · 27/03/2009 18:13

I didnt know you had your phone recconected. Sorry.

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 27/03/2009 19:28

It only got reconnected for outgoing calls and texts this afternoon - I could always still get incoming stuff.
How are you this evening?