Hi all - new bod here with question!

8 replies

teb24 · 23/03/2009 21:30

Hi all, I'm new to this site and split from husband about 2 months ago after giving birth to my now 10 week old son. I am currently selling the family home and divorcing my husband, to say the least it is a very nasty time.

I also have a daughter who is 18 months old and has regular contact with her father, she is a happy soul and it kills me to hand her over to him, but I am trying to do the right thing by her as I know it is her right to know were she came from. The problem I have is access to my son, my ex is currently really being nasty about having time with him which is fair enough but when I left him in the house (which he walked out of) with my son for a couple of hours he went through all my private belongings!! The thing is I just can't cope with him taking my son away from me and out of the house which is now what he has demanded (although this has not been agreed in the statement of particulars), am I being unreasonable that I can't let him take my son I just feel he is too young for all this and should be at least 6 months before that happens. Anyone had a similar experience??

OP posts:

whoingodsnameami · 23/03/2009 21:38

bumping for you{smile}

Monty100 · 23/03/2009 23:03

Bumping

mamas12 · 23/03/2009 23:59

in no way are you bu. You are still a 'unit' so to speak until 3months and then if you are still bf he can't really 'have' him for long periods until you and/or he(ds) is ready
He is a jerk.
He is trying to bully you, can you get midwife of health visitor to explain this to him.

ridingjoker · 24/03/2009 08:34

i dont think your being unreasonable either. specially if your bf.

but why not let him come for visits and have a member of your family present so he doesn't rifle belongings?

StercusAccidit · 24/03/2009 08:40

I told DP (we are currently on a trial seperation) that he can not take DS anywhere w/o me as i am BF

He had to accept this.

Its called..what is the word i'm looking for .....

Tough titty

Surfermum · 24/03/2009 09:48

This must be a really difficult time for you and you must be having all sorts of emotions. But I think you need to have a good think about how contact is going to work. It won't wash with him to be told to wait for 6 months.

They are his children too, remember. You say you can't cope with him taking "my" ds (it's his ds too)and you don't like handing your dd over - so put yourself in his shoes and imagine how it would feel to be told you aren't going to see your child for at least 6 months. Wouldn't you fight tooth and nail to get to see your child? I know I would. And maybe this is what your ex is doing - just trying to get to see his children.

I believe from what others have said on here is that frequent, regular contact is what is best for the children at this stage. My advice would be to try to come to an agreement between you, because he could opt to go to court to get a court order - and then any decisions about when and how often he sees the children will be taken completely out of your hands. Going to court is just awful - it's expensive, very drawn out and stressful for all involved, not least the children. It will polarise you and your ex, which is actually the last thing you want to do because the two of you are going to have a relationship of some sort forever now.

I don't want to sound unsympathetic, because I realise you must be all over the place at the moment, but I do think that if you don't at least try to sort out regular contact for them you could end up making a whole load of stress for yourself that you don't need should he decide to go down the court route.

Original poster

teb24 · 24/03/2009 12:04

Thanks for your messages and yes I am (believe it or not) totally understanding that he has a right to bond with his son also. I am not bf my son so can't use that as an argument. The problem is he wants to take my son down to his family home and to be honest I can not abide them so I suppose that is were my issues lie. Spoken to solicitor today and agreed for him to be at the house this sunday with my ds with my mum present and then in two weeks for my ds to go to his family home for 2 hours.

OP posts:

LastOrders · 24/03/2009 22:23

I was so desperate for my DS not to go on custody visits with my EXP that I tried to establish breastfeeding again, just to give the excuse that he couldn't leave my side until he was a year old!(my milk hadn't completely dried up, I wasn't pumping away at an empty boob before you all write me off as mad!)

I split with exp when pg with DS, but we always kept things very amicable.

DS went on visits with me for a few hours at a time, which was terrible as I didn't feel comfortable around exPILs

But finally went to his dads without me at about 6 months old.

Its the hardest thing I ever done, standing in the garden waving goodbye to my baby, and was the slowest 6 hours of my life. I cried the whole time!

But it seems you know that letting ex have the dc is the right thing, its just trying to get him to see ds is still to young....

I hope it all goes well, I'm new to the lone parents site too, I normally hang around chat, but may stay here now, it seems quite nice and cosy

Flip