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when amicable seperation fails....

2 replies

Quadrophenia · 23/03/2009 17:11

what do i do next??
my exp and I seperated in october, until recently, apart from ther time he punched me in the head, all has been fairly amicable. We have managed to resolve all childcare issues, with him having the children when i am working, allowing me to continue to earn and keep a roof above myself and the dc's heads. Recently he has been flakey to say the least with childcare, the last three weekends, has had them for one night. he was supposed to have the children the weekend just gone but informed be that he was returning to work (having been off with stress) and his shift pattern had changed and consequently he couldn't have the childfren. I arranged for friends to look after them which wasn't ideal, with them sleeping over and my parenst having them the next day (I was working a late early). I didn't feel happy as such about this arrangement as i feel my children need one of their parents at the weekend but for aforementioned financial reasons i didn't feel i had a choice.
Anyway it materialised on saturday that he wasn't working but was away for the thrid weekend running with his new gf.I was furious, not that he was away, but that he had lied and deceived me and the children in order to pursue his new realtionship. I have no issues with him moving on, he was aviolent, selfish and controlling guy, but I don't want him letting down his kids. he refuses to accept he has done anything wrong and all lines of communication have been severed, he won't take my calls or talk to me to find an amicable solution. What next CAB were fairly useless on the phone earlier...do i need legal advice?
i feel so frustrated and just need to know where i stand...thanks

OP posts:
MargotBeauregardesGavel · 23/03/2009 18:32

I was furious when I left my x. Not only because he emotionally and verbally and physically abused me, but also becuase he refused to acknowledge that, and in fact twisted everything to make me look like the selfish one (for leaving).

THe only way to move on and not be angry and not be stressed, resentful and anxious is to shape your life entirely as though he didn't exist at all. DOn't every set things up so that you're counting on him.

It's liberating when you realise you have it all sewn up and you don't need him at all. I love that feeling. I don't prevent him from coming. HE's not inclined to visit regularly, and he gives nothing financially but has a lovely house, car, motorbike, investments, savings etc....

I'd much rather rely on my parents for help than on my x. I know my children need a face to the name Daddy, and they do have that. But we only see him maybe five times a year. perhaps some people would argue that that wasn't great. But the children seem happier and happier all the time. We're all on an even keel, steady, secure, content, not suffering from anxiety etc...

I don't know about legal advice, but I would advise against trying to force him to see the children on a regular basis.

It's not an overnight process, but you will accept that you can't 'control' him either.

He controlled you for a long time. NOW you're free. You didn't split up because he was a reasonable guy, ready to compromise etc I presume.

He controlled you and that wasn't right, but by trying to make him be a good father, even though that's what he would do if he were a decent man, you can't make him do it. You can't control that. don't try.

GL. It gets easier.

Quadrophenia · 24/03/2009 09:31

thank you thats a really helpful perspective...until this point I have needed him, looking after the children enabled me to work. my friends are all pulling together and whilst the solution certainly isn't long term i can do this and will. I am considering mediation, I have contacted relate, but I'm not entirely sure he will want to do this. If he doesn't then i will do it on my own.

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