Exh should not be talking to me like this should he ... long sorry

[sincitylover]

will try to be brief, ongoing problems with exH as he doesn't stick to agreement re seeing DSs - ie he never sees them for a full weekend as agreed.

DS2 is showing signs of anxiety about the whole thing and plays up when he is with exh for the 24hours he sees them every other week. And has said in the past that he hates going to daddys (and newP and their twins).

I have been referred to counsellor by my GP mainly to address issues of exH still trying to control me and also he manipulates the children.

Today they are meant to be going to exHs but exH says he can't come over and pick them up - I am waiting for my brother to arrive (he is always late) to help out with something in my kitchen. DCs rarely see him and DS2 in particular enjoys helping him out with what he's doing.

So eventually agree with exH that I will drop them at 5. In the meantime DS2 hides under his bed and says he really doesn't want to see daddy, doesn't want to stay there etc etc.

I text DH to tell him he doesn' t want to come. I then decide that perhaps would be better to take him over there tomorrow. DS1 meanwhile getting agitated cos he wants to go.

Drive over on the journey DS2 covers himself with his coat (so dadddy won't see me!!). When we get there I agree with exh that will drop him tomorrow when I pick up DS1 for football.

Exh huffs and blows and says we shouldn't let him get away with it!! (er with what exactly) and then moans cos he has 'made plans' for tomorrow afternoon - er its technically your weekend love!! I say well take DS2 with you (he is only visiting his new sil close by).

He then (and this is what I really object to ) takes DS2s hands and says to me well you make sure his hands are clean then tomorrow and don't you bring him in this type of clothes (DS2 was wearing football top and trackpants).

he says it with this voice of utter disgust and of course I can't argue with him because DS2 is sitting there. I just said oh he's had such fun working with uncle J.

Also if I had forced the issue he would have had a reluctant distressed child on his hands.

Because exH has messed with my head so much unfortunately I have to check that talking to me like this so out of order. I really shouldn' t have to take such shit but how do I stop it?

I didn't think you were having a go Janos at all.

I may ultimately have a meeting with exh and new p and would def need a third party present at that.

he is obsessed with appearance eg

won't put things in pcckets because spoil the line, abnormally worried about whether there would be hairdryer/washing machine on holiday, worried about getting caught in rain because spoiling his hair,obsessed with dirt, expressed disgust with overweight people, pregnant women.

I like to look nice myself and DCs but know there is a time and place to slob out and for DCs to get dirty.

I have to try and let it go I know and thank god I am not still with him. The male contact I have had since we split has only served to highlight how skewed he was on a personal lewel.

But I need to protect DCs from him.

Absolutely.

Sounds like he has some pretty deep rooted issues. Taking them out on his DCs is unforgivable though.

Of course you want to protect them. His behaviour is out of order.

Is your NM supportive? That can be a big help in dealing with these issues.

I don't have a nm as such I do have an on off thing with an exbf who I went out with before I met exH and he is supportive when he's in touch. But he's not consistent but that's another matter altogether.

But comparing him with exH is a good thing because he has empathy and a good core IYSWIM. He has an awareness if he does something wrong whereas exh will never show that side if he indeed has it.

But I do have a really good network of colleagues and rl friends who are supportive (we mutually support each other as some of them have issues with their ps or exps).

Family are ok. All of the above must be fed up with me banging on about it though. Which is why I am having counselling.