Need help with contact arragement

[popcorn123]

Split from ex about 1 year ago.
He was lazy, nasty, emotionlly and on occassion phyisically abusive. He, however, believes he was a great husband and father.

I have not managed to set up any formal arragement over that time. I get acussed of being "controlling" whenever I try to set things up.

Up until christmas last year - he basically came round to mine to see the dc's as he was trying to get back together. I all became a disaster and I stopped that in Jan.

Since then he has seen the boys at his mums's house most weekend afternoon - his mum tells me when (usually less than 24 hours notice) I drive them there and pick them up.
I do not know what time he actually arrives as he is never there when I arrive. His mum buys food and prepares meals and does all hands on stuff (He denied this tonight but I know it is true).

I have tolerated this because dc's are much happier than when ex was turning up at unprediictable times.
However it is not a long term solution.
I get no warning - so cannot plan. The oldest ds (4) like routine and order and likes to know what is happening every day and feels secure when there is a plan.
I am using lots of petrol and time doing all the pick up and drop off (only about 7 miles each way but it all adds up)

I spoke to him tonight trying to get a plan in place - he is not interested - I am controlling etc and he doesn't know what is happening day to day etc.

He is still living in the family home (I am in rented accomodation). I took the boys bedroom furniture whenI left. ds1 has been in family home for 2x30minutes spells over last year ds2 (who is now 3.0) has not been at all. He wants to buy beds and have them overnight.
I said i was unhappy as he has never been on his own with them for more tha about 1 hour. I did not trust them with him when we were together and said I wanted regualar non-resisential contact initially. He laughed and said that they would be just fine.

ds2 is going to start nusery soon and needs to be a prviate nursery to cover my work hours - I tried to discuss this with him tonight - he is not in the slightest interested and said it was up to me.
He doens't even know what primary school I decided to send ds1 to despite trying to get him interested- therefore I do not believe that he really cares about ds's.

I have sent a solicitors letter outlining a contact plan of 11-6 alternate sat/sun and 1 weekday 5-7.30 - I he won't comply to a plan can I just set one and stick to it myself or to I have to provide dc's whenever he and his mum decide?

If he goes ahead when wanting overnight stays and I don't trust him (not convinced he will) can i do anything about it.
He would have happily let them cry for hours as babies and has screamed in their faces and pulled them aggressively and deliberatley frightened them. Never changed ds2 nappy (he doesn't need them now) and I once can home to fnd him holding ds1 head and forcing food into it when he wouldn't eat (he was under 2 at the time).
Has held a knife to his own neck in front of dc's and smashed funiture and walls and pushed and shoved me in fron of them. Noone else witnessed any of this.
Other times he can be fine.

He rememembers all this differently - it was all provoked by me and he couldn't help himself, I apparently drove him to it.

I need to get tough with him - I don't really know how. I am scared that if I provoke him by being tough he will insist on more access with terrifies me.

sweetheart, you willbe fine. you need to get contaxct order in place, i sorry i don't have mroe time, will postmore later hopefullyxxxxxxx

popcorn this is so familiar....they msut be related!
i also moed out to rented flat with the 3 dcs... any fo his behviour was my fault beacuase i provoked him etc..

i went to court to ask for residence order - this brings it into court arena and in process you woudld set out the contact arrangenents. i was happy to go to mediation but he constantly said he would never go; then in meantime there was a major incident when he pushed shoved smnashed his fist thru door in the rented flat i had moved to etc. i called police and he was arrested..

so we now been to court and order was for supervised contact initially. which hasnt happened yet coz he refused, but anyway..

you have sent him letter, you can offer to go to mediation appt to agree this arrangement. if he refuses then you can ask solicitor to file a residence order application to bring it to court - then at least is legal obligation and if he doesnt comply you have recourse...

you need to get the contact set out offically - you can do this thru mediation but if he wont agree then has to be thru court.

I am not really sure how to put a contact order in place - so thay helps.
I will wait until he gets letter from solicitor and then put plan in place. However he can do what he wants.
Hopefully he will accept things and we don't have to go to court.

You would think he would be happier with organised days/times - he doesn't do anything other than work and go to football. I suppose it is to make my life harder - don't you where he gets the energy.

If he insists on having unsupervised overnight access before any sensible residential contact - do I have any ground to try and stop this- would that involve going to court ?

Just don't allow it, wait for him to take it further legally. Court might need a section 7 report too

What is a section 7 report?

Sounds like dad isn't really meeting you 1/2 way and trying to work co-operatively for the child arrangements.

I think you should be applauded for your efforts, you are remaining child-focused and promoting contact, this is all good.

I am rather surprised at dads attitude - he doesn't seem to want to engage and by not attempting to find a short-term solution you really are left with quite few options.

I think it is unreasonable for you to not have an agreed routine, with a routine everybody knows where they stand and the children know what is going on. It allows you both to plan your lives around the child arrangements.

It is not on to have less than 24 hours notice and for you to do all the collections and drop-offs. I think it would be advisable to have arrangements formalised and a parenting arrangements ("contact") a bit more formalised.

So how to approach it? My thoughts would be to propose Family Mediation first at a specialist Family Mediation firm. That way you can both discuss children/finance matters with an independent third party and hopefully come to a mutually agreed solution which can be reviewed in the future if need be. If you have a solicitor then they will be familiar with this (if you are eligible for Legal Aid then Mediation would be expected to have been attempted)

You will need to go through the motions - identify an appropriate Family Mediation service, attend your first initial appointment, get the Mediation firm to send out the invites to the ex

... if he attends, great, hopefully you can both save yourselves (and the tax payer) a lot of money and agree matters

... if not, then get written evidence of Mediation not going ahead (i.e. the mediation firm will write back to you saying it is going ahead in your case)

... write back to the ex sayign that Mediation has not progressed, you feel that you have no other alternative but to make an application to Court for a contact order and take it from there...

As a dad I am disgusted by your ex's behaviour. I work with dads who are fighting tooth and nail for contact and a meaningful relationship with their children in the face of hostility

Thanks yerburt,

Nice to know that the male perspective does not think I am crazy and controlling for trying to set up a routine for dc's.

If cannot set up something formal over the next few weeks will have to suggest mediation.

Neither of us are entitled to legal aid so at least this hopefully force ex to see sense as going to court would cost a fortune.

hi popcorn hows you today?
have you applied for legal aid? even if you might not get full la, maybe you might get a portion? am not sure though.

yerburt i wish ex was like you. unfortunately, he is rather similar to popcorn's ex and can't see that i am doing things for dd's benefit not mine or his

Hi

Am going to e-mail him today with a proposed plan over the next few weeks and aim to stick to it - speaking to him directly diesn't get anywhere.
Will let you know how I get on.

hi popcorn ((((((((((()))))))))

hope the email sent ok? i would also advise you, if you still can, to print off a copy to keep for your solicitor should things go badly, then you have something to prove that you did email him, rather than just your word against his - however seemingly amicable things are at the moment, there is always the chance that it could go better or worse.

hope you ok today xx