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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

he doesnt actually think he needs supervised contact so is refusing

15 replies

cestlavielife · 19/03/2009 09:55

and meantime is blaming me for fact he hasnt seen his dcs!

emails like"dont punish the dcs"...

he was violent and agressive to me in front of dcs last year.

i took him to court to get residence order having moved out with dcs.

and said no contact, as expected the order was for supervised contact - am fine with that. contact centre identified, both agreed to pay half each. since then he has been stalling, visited the centre, then told me "i dont like it" etc.
CAFCASS case worker suppposed to be appointed this week, in meantime he arranged to see the manager last fri. CAFCASS manager called me - i said "what is real problem with the contact centre"

he said: well your ex says it "looks like an old job centre" (err...it is... but done out nice in the childrens room)

and "he doesnt feel he needs supervision because he used to care for the children full time" er yes he did, but i wasnt happy with his care of them (would have sacked him had he been a paid carer) and he constantly moaned about doing it! that was 2005-2006..then in 2007 and 2008 he blew up violently in front of them several times...

my solicitor says now is just a case of he will have to explain to judge at next hearing (end april) why he hasnt been attending contact centre or getting contact centre off the ground....

so frustrating! but par for the course i guess, he is so full of himself and believes he has done nothing wrong.... and everything is someone else's fault eg me.

he has indirect contact 8 pm on a wedsnesday and persists in dropping gifts for the children late eg 9.15 pm yesterday...he lives round the corner so cant be hard...

grr. thanks for letting me moan

OP posts:

MamaG · 19/03/2009 10:07

Hang in there. Keep to your side of the bargain all the way so the Judge has no reason to criticise you. Keep his emails but don't respond to htem in a critical way, just keep repeating "I'm perfectly happy for you to see the DC at hte CC"

(just kick him in the bollocks in your head!!)

N1 · 19/03/2009 10:29

Is there any police records of dv? Has the ex admitted being agressive?

Original poster

cestlavielife · 19/03/2009 11:13

yes - 2007;

and 18/8/08 was a full police report and he signed the police statement fully admitting what he did - the whole two hours of being held hostage, smashing things, pushing me, grabbing and throwing away phone when i tried to dial 999 etc. all in front of the dcs - youngest poo-ed her pants in the garden coz she was scared to come in....still have the hole in the internal door to prove it too.

other witnesses to his aggression on other occasions too eg when he took dds to friend's house in july 08 and scared her too with his behaviour.

he also told judge at last hearing that he "sometimes lost it".

he just doesnt get that to prove he is "cured" he has to go thru process of contact centre and that i will only allow unsupervised if professionals assess him as being ok... and if dcs are happy and confident with the idea (they have stated they happier to have supervised contact, someone in the room "like a teacher" - "in case he gets distressed")

he has now sobbed to my parents on the phone about it so i have told my parents it is "out of my hands" is "subject to a court order". they not nearby so would not be on board to supervise any contact if/when it moves on from centre...but they would even lend him his share of the money to pay if he actually asked them directly for it! but it isnt about money...is about him not wanting to go thru process that ahs been ordered by a court.

OP posts:

mrsmortenharket · 19/03/2009 11:15

i agree with all that has been said here, solicitor has also advised me to take dd to contact centre for supervised contact as x also lets his mouth run away from him. x sounds like yours. you are doing right thing sweetheart, just keep going xxx

GypsyMoth · 19/03/2009 12:39

Same situation here......cafcass are saying they need to see proper commitment from my ex. At least 6 months in a cc.......ex isn't happy at all! I've been told i'm not allowed to let him have any access at all now til section 7 report is done as there are some 'unexpected concerns' which have arisen through routine checks on him! Now wonder what that could be!!!!!

Original poster

cestlavielife · 19/03/2009 14:27

ugh - now had a phone voicemail...he is getting irate as is dd birthday sunday - that is not my fault he cannot come to her party... he is asking me to "take the dcs to the sunday school at church" (i dont go to church nor do dcs). ideally we would have had several supervised sessions by now and one would be sspecifically organized to coincide with the birthday or nearly. ... but he has refused the centre.

and if i dont he "will go to court next week". which would be good i think...

"You can arrange something you happy with for me to see the children this Sunday" no I cannot, there is a court order for supervised contact-- i cannot circumvent that.

i spent 14 years arranging things for him... is now time for him to take responsibility.

"i've talked to your parents..." ugh the whole tone was threatening...

is sad he wont see dd on her birthday (tho she is fine about it) but the more irate he gets the more i am concerned for when he does see them, that he has all this anger over what he sees as MY "behaviour".

OP posts:

mrsmortenharket · 20/03/2009 09:22

oh gawd why don't these men learn????
can you take transcript of themessage orshow your sol and then delete it?

N1 · 20/03/2009 16:27

If you make allegations of DV, the burden of proof rests with the person making the allegation. The "offender can respond to the evidence - if need be, or if he can.

People who take drugs don't behave rationally and are not predictable....or say rather consistently predictable. I was involved in helping a Grandparent in court. The grandparents daughter was involved with drugs. Trying to help the daughter was one of the most unusual life experiences I have ever had. One day the drug user is calm and understanding, saying and thinking all the right things, the next day she is totally different and opposite. I got the impression that drug users don't accept responsibility.

The father of the children sounds like he is on a course to loose contact with the children. Perhaps be able to keep the indirect contact. The big question will be - what happens if the father looses contact with the children and reacts adversely?

Janos · 21/03/2009 13:06

"and 18/8/08 was a full police report and he signed the police statement fully admitting what he did "

Dunno about you N1 but that sounds like 'proof' to me. He has signed a police statement admitting it. If that doesn't count as proof then I'd like to know what does!

cestlavie, I would suggest keeping evidence of any contact, as others have suggested.

I would expect that the judge would take a very dim view of the fact that he has been offered supervised contact, changed his mind and then raised seemingly 'trivial' objections as to why it isn't suitable.

bronze · 21/03/2009 13:11

Are you on goo terms with your parents? If you are I would ask them to not talk to him.

Janos · 21/03/2009 13:12

Do your parents feel threatened by him? Do you have a good relationship with them?

If so I would reiterate what bronze said.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 21/03/2009 13:30

If it was me, I wouldn't get involved in trying to make arrangements or even discussing it with him, unless it would make the situation much worse?

He has the appointed times, and as long as you make the kids available for contact, then you've fulfilled your side of the court order.

If there is some legitimate reason he cannot make it, then he should call the contact centre.

His choice if he doesn't like the contact centre, or wants unsupervised access. Tell him calmly, 'hmm, that's something you may want to discuss with your solicitor....'

But it's absolutely not your problem.

HappyandEiknowit · 21/03/2009 13:50

sounds quite a tough situation to have to deal with!
i would do what others have suggested and keep a record of all contact including dates and times if you have them!
just a quick question though! why is your EX-H using your parents as like a bargaining threat? what i mean by that is you stated he 'has told your parents' of things that have happened. they are YOUR PARENTS not his! and therefore the interest should lie with you and not him! i obviously have no idea of your family dynamics but logically i would suppose that they would be on YOUR 'side' not his!!
i hope this gets better soon
xx ei xx

Janos · 21/03/2009 18:37

Yes what is going on with your parents? Are they scared of him? Does he have some sort of hold over them?

Sorry not meant to sound like '20 questions'. Just wondering why that is and hope it doesn't sound too aggressive.

N1 · 22/03/2009 08:07

The proof you have there sounds like plenty of reason to keep contact at a contact center. (I didn't like saying that).

The ex would have to go on a course of programs to get himself sorted.

If there are drugs or drink involved, that course of programs is going to be much longer.

If the OP parents feel that the ex is bothering them, they could ask him to not talk to them about the children or you.

If the ex doesn't see the children and there are no other options, I can see things hanging till the children are about 10 or 12, when the child can make their own decisions...... so it could be a rather long court case for you. Unless you can find a venue where the father can see the children which protects the children (and you) that the ex can agree to.

I feel sorry for children when the parent is this difficult, more so if the children want to know the parent. Keep strong and your head up, I can't imagine it being an easy situation to be in.

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