I know there are already a couple of threads about contact, but just wanted to ask.....

[norksinmywaistband]

How many of you have flexible long term contact agreements, and how on earth do they work???

Dh and I separated 3 weeks ago and he has moved into his own place now, I want the contact agreement to me amicable and sorted without the need for outside help, but, he seems to think I should be flexible and asking to discuss arrangements for the week on a monday and sticking to it is unreasonable.

I have suggested that he sees the DC at the marital home(while I go out) from 5.30 til bedtime(7.30ish) 2 nights a week and either see the DC overnight one night and all of one day at the weekend or To have them for the whole of the weekend every other weekend.

I thought that this was more than reasonable and only asking for days on a monday was being very flexible.

DC are 4 & 3 BTW

You are being more than reasonable.

My friend has been advised that one evening in the week and every other weekend is usual.

Over and above that is fine too, as long as everyone is ok with it.

The children need to know when they are seeing their parents. It gives them stability when they need it, especially when young.

The OH is being more than reasonanable. If both parents have a flexible attitude and work together in the kids' best interests, everyone is onto a winner

But mankyscotslass' you say my friend has been advised that one evening in the week and every other weekend is usual'.

It may be usual. But speaking as a father who has an ex who is trying to cut me out of our ds' life AND with male friends in the same situation, I can clearly state that none of them would consider this reasonable.

The best test of reasonable IMHO is `Would I be prepared to accept it?' I can't imagine a majority of parents male or female who would consider this a good way of giving their dc the opportunity to grow up with both their mothers and fathers being a significant part of their life.

Let the flaming begin.

Lostdad, my friend wanted her partner to have more contact, but he did not want to be tied down and it was he who went to a solicitor for this information and relayed it to her, as what would be considered reasonable by him and his solicitor.

I appreciate there are fathers out there that want more contact, that there are mothers who for their own reasons stop contact.

This is not that the OP is saying, she is saying the children need stability and she needs to be able to plan round access.

Ad hoc contact can work, but only if all parties are happy with it.

It seems to me all the op wants is for her H to say when he is going to come and see the children and stick to it. Surely that is in the childrens best interest?

I do believe that flexibility is the key, but in these early days of separation, I feel it is in my and my husbands best interest to have a rough pattern of contact set, mainly for stability for the DC but also so I can plan what I can do/where to go when I leave the house while he sees DC.
(he doesn't want them at his place for a month or so until he is settled) This is fine, but suddenly turning up on friends doorsteps without prearranging is rude imo. A little advance warning means I can plan for this.

Also if there is a rough plan in place I can plan to take DC to visit relatives( all live a distance away) when I have them.

I a not saying I want set days just a rough plan and idea If he wants full weekends or one night at weekends.

Is it really that hard for my H to plan his week on a monday

I agree with both the previous two posts.

It's not a natural nor easy situation. Routine is probably the best thing for the time being: It's a slippery slope and a minor situation can easily turn into insurmountable problems.

I wish my ex was as reasonable as you!

I firmly believe that ad hoc doesn't work for the children, they need routine and stability, especially as they get older. My DD is 9 and her father and me split 2 years ago. We're quite amicable and he has her 2 nights a week and every other weekend.

We didn't have a particularly set routine until quite recently because we thought she was happy with it. But it came out that she hated not knowing where she was going to be so we've put a schedule in place.I did up a nice little spreadsheet for her and put it up in the kitchen and she looks at it every morning. It gives her the feeling that she's been consulted and has a say in things. I know yours are quite young at the moment but it's still important.

Courts do tend to a for the every other weekend and an overnight. So it's the norm in that sense.