Help me to help my friend? Please?

[LoveMyGirls]

I'm not single but my best friend is and has been for nearly 6 years.

She is 27 and has been single since before having her ds nearly 6yrs ago.

She's totally lost her confidence as a woman (before her ds came along she was very bubbly and confident and really enjoyed being in a relationship) now she does nothing, hardly goes out (though she can because her sister would babysit, I have also offered to baby sit too) when she does go out rarely and does happen to pull a man she will run and hide from him and say oh he was awful etc (she will always disapear and we will get a txt a while later saying shes hiding and can we go and find her because she's sure he's waiting outside)

Her ds never has any contact with his dad (through no fault of my friends, she encouraged it but he just doesnt want to, though his mum is in touch still)

Last week BF said she is ready to find a man, have some fun, be herself again etc so I ask around to see if anyone knows anyone she could flirt with, have fun with, nothing too heavy (as she insisted she likes her life without a man to answer to but some fun would be good) this is the 3rd birthday in a row she has said this yet done nothing about it and I think it's because she needs to build her confidence up. I have found someone for her to chat to on msn for a laugh and she has said no to me giving him her msn details (she can always block him anyway) he's a friend of a friend.

She has been losing weight and said she's going to buy some new clothes etc I think she is beautiful but has barriers up and doesn't know how to bring them down, I know she was very hurt by her ex but it's been 6, nearly 7 yrs now. To start with I know it was hard because her body changed after having her ds (as we all do) and I know how I worried men wouldn't find me attractive after having my dd1 but the fact is men don't really notice that much tbh I was single and I got back out there and it's not as scary as it seems so maybe she never got past taht point and the more time that goes by the harder it gets? She says I was young and it was different for me etc but she was young when she had her ds too!

I feel a bit sad to have lost part of my really lovely good friend tbh. I'm a mum too and adore my kids but I am also a person with a partner (soon to be dh) and I enjoy having fun and going out with my friends.

I'm waffling I think.........I just want her to be happy. She has spent almost all of her 20's staying in, she doesn't drive, she doesn't go for meals (unless with her mum, same with holidays) she stayed in at new year not because she didn't have a sitter or anywhere to go with her ds but because she was doing course work for her job, surely she could have planned around it and had 1 night out or even had friends round (i know 4 of her friends stayed in at a house just down the road from her and she was invited but she declined)

Before anyone says it she's not depressed, she says she's happy and fine and tells me not to worry but I worry about her life slipping by and I don't want her to be totally distraught when she gets to 40 and her son has left home and she's got nothing left of her own life.

You will probably all tell me to mind my own business and I have done for years but I just want to help her if I can, so have come here for any idea's from people who may have been in the same boat.

She sounds like me except I don't work.

Do you think she finds it hard to go out ? I mean does she get nervous about it ?? I know I do, and it does sometimes affect my desicion on wether to go or not.

Also, do people ask her to go out much ??

I hardley ever get invited out and I think alot of the time that is because people assume that I won't have the money or be able to get a babysitter.

I think she does feel a bit self concious about going out but she does still go out and has been asked lots of times over the years by various people, there are a few people we know who still go out most weekends so they don't ask her everytime but she does get asked frequently.

I don't go out that much myself and if I do I don't go to the cheesy type places she goes to in town when she does go out, though I will go out with her occasionally. I'll go for a meal or to our friends houses for a take away and drinks or to little country type pubs with dp and his family or to see a concert.

She will often cancel last minute when we do arrange things which is fustrating too.

can you encourage her to come on here and see for herself just how lots of us single mums manage to turn our lives round
I take it that she wouldn't consider online dating?

Perhaps the mother wants to be at home with her children more. I think she wants to involve her children in the "going out" event as well,rather than have it just being her going out.

To "test" that theory, it might be worth seeing if you can invite your friend (with her child) out to a place where the children can play somewhere and the parents sit and talk in the vicinity. If your friend doesn't cancel these arrangements at the last moment, I think it's fair to say that she wants to involve her children more. I would suggest a picnic but the weather is a bit to cold at the moment. I would avoid somewhere where there are distractions or demands that the parents remain in continuous contact with their children. Choose places where the parents can sit and talk but still be able to see their children.

Would this option as a step be likely to be successful?

The mother would be getting out and doing things. She would be talking to friends and possible meeting a few new people. The child would be enjoying themselves (and the mother would observe this). I can see this proposal showing the mother that she can do more fun things and the getting out might put her in a position to meet more people, simply by exposing her to more people.

There are actually dating sites aimed at parents not sure how good they are tho
haven't tried them myself
it does seem a shame that she is hiding herself away
after all we only have one life

Sometimes we do do things with our dc's but she will often cancel those too.
None of our friends have had children yet so getting a big group of us doesn't happen.

I did tell her about mn and sent her links but she's never bothered with it as far as I know.

She works with women so never meets men, she won't come out if theres a big group of people but she will chance it if it's a small group of people she knows but only if all girls. She used to be so out going and sociable, miles more than I was but not now

I know the weight she gained has knocked her confidence but she has lost 2 stone recently, I hoped with losing weight it would bring her confidence back but I haven't seen that yet.

Dating sites - she has signed up a coupleof times but then refuses to do anything about it.

You have tried everything you can for her in that case
Shame she won't come on here i we'd talk her up

Tbh I'd not reccomend dating sites anyway especially if her confidence is low because they can really knock the crap out of any confidence you have regained, quickly.

As someone who was a long term single parent can i suggest maybe a few girly nights out to start with. She needs to take it slowly - how about some hobbies - socialising is a very good start