Thank you, all of you. What I really need right now is just some sort of advice regarding benefits here in France. I am trying to sort out our declaration for income tax, with the number I get for that I should be able to apply for CMU and housing benefit. I have lost count of the times we have been to the CAF with our various forms and papers, only to be told that we are still lacking in something - a full birth certificate for me, and then a statement of our income for the year 2003, then a SS number, etc etc.
I am receiving a bit of help from teachers at the school who speak English, but they are so busy and I don't often get the free time to speak to them.
H's family were against us coming here, his mum misses the kids very much and I know she would dearly love for us to return, so I can't really rely on their help for us to stay! Plus their allegiances lie with their son, I get the impression that they are a little protective of him and whilst they are the nicest people, perhaps I was not quite good enough for him, do you know what I mean? With my Mancunian accent, my sick sense of humour, my working class background, is it any wonder that he is the only one of the family still in blue collar work?
H has been quiet these last few days. Maybe he is reconsidering, who knows? I know he has found it very tough, he has given up a lot, a job he liked on pretty average money, but plenty for us, his own house that he was proud of, friends he has known all his life. I know he has been depressed too, not sleeping at nights, drinking more, he started smoking again. This is not the life for him, but it is the life for me. I want change, and excitement and challenges, he wants stability and security. I like to be spontaneous and make decisions on the spur of the moment, he spends ages choosing what to eat on the menu, he likes to know where he is going, what route he will take to get there and how long it will take. I told him that we should not have married, I married a man that he clearly was not. When I was depressed I clung to him like a liferaft, and he came though for me and I felt gratitude, but now I am recovering and I can't stay with him out of gratitude alone. I feel more like myself than I ever have done since before my daughter was born, but I kinda think he liked the vulnerable, dependant me.
Anyway, he and the kids leave for England on Friday, I go separately on Saturday and will stay with my sister for a while. We will give each other breathing space and talk, because we can still talk despite everything, and see what comes.
Any other advice is more than appreciated. Thank you all for your support, it means more than you can know!