Soon-to-be ....... Alone

[Franglaise]

Hello. I'm the mother of 2 small children and I live in France. My husband is soon to leave me to return to England. I cannot afford to pay the rent of my house on my income and finding childcare will be difficult, as we used to share it. Also the kids will suffer I know, once he leaves. So, as a beginner at this, where do I start? How do I cope? What happens now?

[Marina]

Bum. I hoped I was wrong IYSWIM. I know it's not easy to stay in touch especially right now, but please keep us posted. He's never sounded that heroic to me TBH...whereas you are a top parent and your children are VERY lucky to have you.

[ggglimpopo]

Message withdrawn

[Franglaise]

I suppose I could find myself a nice Frenchman! A chateau owner would be nice.....

[Tinker]

Just read this Franglaise. Keep in touch. No shame is saying things haven't gone according to plan. Good luck

[Marina]

Maybe you should relieve Kylie of Olivier Martinez, now he's gorgeous and just what you need.

[Tinker]

Move to Monaco - Albert will be looking for a Queen now

[Franglaise]

At least the wine here is good!
Should revert back to my original name really, stop being such a coward!

[Marina]

Tinker, he's way too old for Franglaise, anyway

[Tinker]

I know but he's rich and might be gay so you wouldn't have to do anything

[Marina]

Gone off it a bit lately have you love? I wonder why?

[Tinker]

Marina

[tigermoth]

franglaise, I can't offer any practical advice, but so hope the suggestions here help you out of your predicament. Really glad you and gggp have made contact. I hope by bumping this up this morning, other mumsnetters in France will see your message.

I am so pleased your children are settled, and really think you are doing the right thing in fighting to stay. As you say, your husband may well come back once he realises just what he's letting go. I can well understand why you don't want to return to your old life after all your efforts to escape it. Reading that your husband not only wanted to return home, but also return to his old company, really had me hot under the collar - isn't life about moving on! I had a boyfriend years ago, when I was in my early twenties, who rigidly resisted change, and it drove me to distraction.

Will things get any easier now the summer is approaching? I just wondered if workwise, your dh could pick up something seasonal if he returns?

I think, when you have the energy to surface from all the French paperwork, you should push for all the practical support you can get from your husband. He can't escape the consequences just by moving away. How much have you talked this through? has he got a clear idea of how he will support you financially if he moves back to England? He's not hoping to return to some pre family responsiblity type of existance is he? From what you've said, you're close to his family, they know you will be alone in France but have sorted out a job and a home for yourself. Presumably, they will be worried that you and the children are safely housed, have enough money to get by. Will they put pressure on your dh to help you out - I hope so. Difficult, I know, but have you thought about talking to them at all?

Sorry to hear it's you I get the impression you are a determined woman with great strength when the going gets tough Hope you have enough computer access to get on mumsnet when you want to.

[Rhubarb]

Thank you, all of you. What I really need right now is just some sort of advice regarding benefits here in France. I am trying to sort out our declaration for income tax, with the number I get for that I should be able to apply for CMU and housing benefit. I have lost count of the times we have been to the CAF with our various forms and papers, only to be told that we are still lacking in something - a full birth certificate for me, and then a statement of our income for the year 2003, then a SS number, etc etc.

I am receiving a bit of help from teachers at the school who speak English, but they are so busy and I don't often get the free time to speak to them.

H's family were against us coming here, his mum misses the kids very much and I know she would dearly love for us to return, so I can't really rely on their help for us to stay! Plus their allegiances lie with their son, I get the impression that they are a little protective of him and whilst they are the nicest people, perhaps I was not quite good enough for him, do you know what I mean? With my Mancunian accent, my sick sense of humour, my working class background, is it any wonder that he is the only one of the family still in blue collar work?

H has been quiet these last few days. Maybe he is reconsidering, who knows? I know he has found it very tough, he has given up a lot, a job he liked on pretty average money, but plenty for us, his own house that he was proud of, friends he has known all his life. I know he has been depressed too, not sleeping at nights, drinking more, he started smoking again. This is not the life for him, but it is the life for me. I want change, and excitement and challenges, he wants stability and security. I like to be spontaneous and make decisions on the spur of the moment, he spends ages choosing what to eat on the menu, he likes to know where he is going, what route he will take to get there and how long it will take. I told him that we should not have married, I married a man that he clearly was not. When I was depressed I clung to him like a liferaft, and he came though for me and I felt gratitude, but now I am recovering and I can't stay with him out of gratitude alone. I feel more like myself than I ever have done since before my daughter was born, but I kinda think he liked the vulnerable, dependant me.

Anyway, he and the kids leave for England on Friday, I go separately on Saturday and will stay with my sister for a while. We will give each other breathing space and talk, because we can still talk despite everything, and see what comes.

Any other advice is more than appreciated. Thank you all for your support, it means more than you can know!

[NomDePlume]

Rhubarb, I'm so very sorry to see that this is you. I'm afraid I have no practical advice for you, but just wanted to pop on and wish you all well, whatever the outcome.

[bundle]

rhubarb, no practical advice i'm afraid, but you know we're all thinking about you, xxx

[Rhubarb]

I saw them all off at the airport today, missing the kids already! He's been promised some half-decent work after the hols here, but I'm still not sure if he will come back or not. Maybe part of me is hoping not as I've built myself up for it, d'ya know what I mean? We are not arguing anymore but the atmostphere is just very sad. This short breathing space will be very good for both of us, and after we've both had time to think we will talk again and he will tell me what he has decided to do. I think he really did expect me to either plead with him to return or give up, and as I've done neither I think he's a little shocked. Maybe he will decide to come back with us, but I don't know what will happen if he does, whether things will change. He's just so unhappy living this way and I can't force him to accept it, but then I cannot live his way either. It's a bit of a mess!

[WideWebWitch]

Rhubarb, I missed this before. I just wanted to say hi and sorry things are so sad atm.

[Miaou]

Rhubarb, sending you (((((((((hugs)))))))). Stay strong.

[Rhubarb]

Hello again. Thought I should keep you up to date. I'm back and so is he!!! Sort of long story so in a nutshell, he went back with kids and I left next day due to stay with my sister for a few days. He phoned the same day I landed and asked if he could come and pick me up the next day! He came for me and said that his brother had just told them all that his wife was divorcing him, she had told him to pack his bags and be out of the house in 2 weeks or she'd take the kids away and he wouldn't see them for months. His bro was devestated, never saw it coming, they were out as a couple the night before, methinks she has someone else but that is besides the point (and I've never liked her much anyway - cow!).
So he sees first hand the devestation caused by a split. He tells me that he'd like to come back with me but only until after the school year, then we will talk some more.
But his bro told him that if we go back to England he will help set dh up in his own business, so now dh has even more incentive to go back. Plus he feels that his bro needs the emotional support, which I can understand.

So no answers just now. But we are back together, somewhat shaky but ok. We are talking loads, we want to try and stay together and make it work but we want different lifestyles so I don't know how we will quite manage that.

Thanks for your support when I needed it, it's comforting to think that MN is here!

[Tinker]

Oh well, that's good news Rhubarb (for you and your husband, I mean, not his brother!) I kow you'll have to reconcile different visions of the future but...babysteps and all that. Good luck.

[Tiggus]

This is fantastic news so pleased for you!!!