Scared single parent: access arrangements after split - what's best for a 6 month old?

[cheerfulvicky]

Hi ladies! I'm a newly singly parent, I recently split up with my partner and our DS is 6 months old. DP has been living with us both and involved from the start but never did any nights, and has been working part time since the birth so sees a fair bit of DS. I am a SAHM.

This is our first baby, and we are having trouble working out what kind of access arrangements will work best for DS when I move out in a few weeks. I'm going to be living about 30 miles away, XP drives, I don't but the train is cheaper than driving anyway. It was my choice to move towns (I have friends there and lived there when I was younger) so I'm trying to be proactive about making sure XP sees his son often without the distance being an issue. I.e, I won't just expect XP to collect DS each time, I will bring him over too.

What's normal to expect for a 6 month old in this situation? He loves his Dad but has a very strong bond with me too, and sleeps in with me next to my bed. Not BFing but I'm still feeling uneasy about the thought of him staying with XP overnight at this stage. Am I being daft or should we wait a bit? Is one night a week and a few days reasonable at this stage, perhaps increasing to 2 nights and 3 days by the time he is 12 or 18 months? I don't think XP is planning to sleep in the same room as the baby, he is a very deep sleeper for the first part of the night and then suffers from insomnia from 4am. I guess I'm scared he won't hear DS on the monitor if he cries.

XP works one week on, one week off. He wants to have DS for the whole week, and then when he is working I will have him the other week. This idea makes me really worried and sad, I don't want to do it but XP says its best for DS. I'm not sure as I have read on here that with babies and toddlers, little and often is best. I do consider myself his main carer although I know XP would happily have him all the time, but I need my baby with me too Thoughts anyone?
We will have to go to mediation if we can't agree.

I think 6 months is too young for a baby to cope with one week on, one week off... I really do.

In fact, I would say it's acceptable for your ExP to see the baby every day he isn't working, but that nights are spent with you.

I think around 18 months is the first time over night visits should occur (in my opinion - I have two DSDs, who have been in my life from similar ages (well the little one)

I think that would be ideal if you could work out the travel arrangments.

Thanks Haribosmummy. How long each day, though? Because I initiated the split, I don't think XP will want to spend time with me and DS in my new place. He seems quite hurt and angry. So, how much of each day do you think would be fair for everyone at this age? Bearing in mind that I won't be there. Or did you mean supervised access?

I think the pnly decent thing for the child is staged access - so starting with maybe 2-3 hours, raising to all day (maybe 10-4?) and then maybe getting to 8-6...

At that point, hopefully, the baby would be maybe 18 months - 2Y, so all nights (one at a time, leading to more) would be appropriate.

If you could show that you DO intend for your ExP to spend more and more time with his DC, then I think this would be the best for the child.

If I'm really honest, though, the MOST important thing you can do to keep your ExP involved (Even if he doesn't see or appreciate it right now) is to keep him informed of what's going on.

Stages (as they are reached) / what's happening at nursery, who the DC's friends are (and allowing your ExP to make contact with those parents etc)

My DH's ex is very angry (even now, over 10 years on) and makes it extremely difficult for the kids to have a consistent life - they do, in all honestly, have two different lives.

As and when your DC goes to school, involve your ExP in parents evenings etc., (even if you don't want to go together, it's possible to take turns)

That honestly would be my best advice for the child. This may (and I'm being a bit assumpious here) be more difficult if he's the hurt / angry one. It may be better, in the long run, to take a few mediation sessions to get this agreed (and in writing!)

You know what the dad is like and what he has avalable to him. While he and you are still together, have a trial run. Let him do everything and you take the back seat. You seeing the dad do everything well should give you the confidence you need. If the dad does wek for a few days, i cant see why working well shouldnt continue. If you force limitations, you could be percieved as unreasonable. Amacable changes to hostile and dificulties start, leading onto a strained relationship. You might want to set up written agreements while you and he are on good talking terms.

Thanks HB and N1. We already have a strained relationship so not a huge amount to lose in some ways. I feel XP has been emotionally abusive and that's why I left him. He disagrees. So in many ways I feel he has been unreasonable.

I don't really care if he thinks I'm an idiot - I just want to do what's best for DS. I don't care if it makes me unpopular, or hurts me; he's my priority.

I agree that getting anything in writing seems to be the way to go!

Stick to your guns cheerful. I think best baby stays with you overnight.

Yes, I'm afraid that getting things in writing is really the only way to go. Especially as what you will probably end up with is a staged process, as your son gets older.

Also, do think long and hard about 'rules'.. What discipline is and isn't acceptable?
How often will phone calls occur, who will phone who (will he call you when the child is with you and then you call him when he has the child)
How will contact outside of that occur?
maybe 'rules' in the wrong word, but think about how you would like your son to grow up.
What about new partners? Should the other parent be told first? Should the other parent meet the new partner before the child does?

All I would say is be consistent - if you expect your ExP to do it, then be prepared to do it yourself (IYSWIM!). My DH's ex constantly expects to be treated in a way she doesn't like or want to treat others... That's really difficult and def. the most annoying thing about our particular situation - to have her bleating on that she's been 'sidelined' over something when we haven't heard from her for MONTHS

Hi Cheerful,
I was in a simular situation to yourself.
I split with exH when ds was 10 months old and he too, was a very hands-on dad.
It was my decision to split as he too was mentally/emotionally abusive (towards me)for a very long time and eventually I saw sense.
Ds now sees his dad every Saturday (10-6) which was completeley exh choice. I was lucky really that exh didn't demand to see him more as it made it easier for me not to see him as often. Obviously I felt (feel) shit that ds doesn't see his Dad very often but it was completeley exh choice and I have always been flexible and supportive if he has wanted to see DS at other times but I am dreading the day exh asks to have DS overnight.
I would definaltly agree that your DS is too young to stay away from you overnight, let alone for a week. I personally would suggest you try and arrange set days your dp sees DS, as for me, it was very important that we (DS and I) established our own life/routine, just the two of us.Plus it is important that dp knows that he is no-longer part of your life (in the relationship sense).
It will be bloody hard the first few times he has DS and you probably won't know what to do with yourself, but it does get easier.
Well done for being strong and realising you deserve better. It's not easy.