No card or present for DS (7) for his birthday drom X - and he's (XH) threatening bankruptcy!

[Leslaki]

Been a total b**ch of a week. it was DS' 7 th birthday and he ahs spent the whoem of the week before phoning his dad to amke sure he didn't forget. anyway on birthday X phones ds and says 'happy birthday - hope to see you again one day'. DS upset but excited about other things so moves on till we get to bedtime. He phones X - X says 'yeah, happy birthday for what it's worth'. DS spent the night stressed and upset. He phones X next morning ansd asks why he didn't get a card - X says he has a card and a HUGE present but DS has to come and get it (without me apparently - FFS he is 7!!!)). DS upset and I said to him to tell X he is welcome to drop it off. X asks to speak to me and DS overhears his dad ranting and raving and hurling abuse at me on the phone till he leaves the room.

X and I are going through court proceeedings and it's hideous. he came up with a proposal which was almost there - except his CM was half what it should be so I said i wanted the full 20% (got 2 dcs) cos I couldn't afford to live otherwise. Then I get a text from X saying, thanks for refusing my offer. Congrats you win, I'm gonna be officially banrupt by Monday afternoon'. WTF???!!!

Advice please anyone - I'm so stressed I broke down at work today and can gardly function. It's 1 year on Monday since he left and things still aren't resolved. He earns about £4 - 5k a month in TAKE HOME PAY. I bring home less then £600. Just to put in perspective. he has debts, I don't. Need to offload! Thanks!

Anyone???
Sorry about typing but vvvv stressed right now

God almighty how horrible. I hope offloading has made you feel a little bit better, but I can't see how. for all of you.

I don't see how you asking for the CM you are entitled to will bankrupt him?? especially if he brings in a pretty fair wedge every month.

Sounds like he is just trying to frighten you, and is succeeding.

If you can't agree, are you having a court hearing to sort it out? I would guess the stress of on going proceedings can't help much so I hope you get that sorted out.

Sorry it is all so awful, make sure you are eating and sleeping as well as you can - I always find things get much worse if I'm tired and hungry, and i never remember that until afterwards...

Thanks guys - I am spo stressed - he started court proceedings but didn't turn up to the initial hearing (which cost me c.£900!!! in solicitors fees. he is a prize arsehole and I know dep dwn he won't be able to go bankrupt but it's just yet more bullying. Don't know how much longer I can take this. It's been a year.

What proceedings did he start? It should be nearly over after a year? Even if he is being a wanker and not turning up - and you ought to be able to get an order that he pays your costs if he just doesn't show.

hopefully this time next year it will all be so much better and different. Do you have any friends you can rant to?

When I get stressed I try making lists of what I'd like to get done. I find that really helps, makes me feel more in control, even if it is illusory.

We split up in matrcg (mothers day actually) as he went to live with his OW. We reached 3 agreements - each one vetoed by his OW (who ahd already fleeced her husband - found that out last month) by August he issued proceedings - he tried to get one adjournement - he didn't show at hearing beg of Feb but only knew when hearing started so 3 hours wasted. i have asked for costs. new date start of April but we have tried to be 'amicable' - ie he wants us to exist on fresh air. I'm getting used to the crap re financs and he hosue but ds has been so devastated.

Hi leslaki, am so sorry that things are difficult for you. I split with my h March last yr also, I have initiated divorcee proceedings now as h has been nothing but a tosser for the last 12months.We initially have been going through mediation but h wouldnt stick to any of the decisions which he agreed to and then stopped attending altogether. I have a similar problem h has debts and he has been difficult with finances=not paying what he agreed ect...
he also earns alot more than me.

I am dreading it in one sense as I know this will just enrage him and as he is so difficult I am worried in the long run what this is going to cost me, as I am sure he is going to contest to most things and be very difficult, so I can sympathise with you for being married to a twat!
Fortuntately our ds is 2 so is still very young. Your h should be totally ashamed of his behaviour for treating your son in this way.He will miss out on your ds growing up and will probably end up bitter and alone!I really hope the courts can sort this mess out for you.Do you have the support of friends and family? I made a list of everything my h did that I hated about him and things he did that upset me, this is always v helpful when im feeling low to keep going and hopefully things will turn out ok in the end. If you need to offload please feel free to mail me take care x

right, you've tried to do it properly and reach an agreement,he clearly is unable or unwilling to do this.

I assume the adjourned hearing in Feb was the Finanacial Dispute Resolution if he issued in August?? If it wasn't the FDR, you need to get a date for that hearing asap as hopefully it can be sorted out then. The judge will be very keen to get a settlement.

I would decide what I wanted, write it down and say 'this is what I want. If you don't agree, we need the judge to make a decision for us so let's set this down for a court hearing and be done with it'.

I think you will find it very difficult to get on with normal life while court proceedings are dragging out, so don't let him play his games. What the OW thinks or doesn't think of it all is one big fat heap of irrelevance. (unless of course she is really rich and they are living together, in wihch case you've got a good chance of screwing some more money out of him)

Its between you, him and the Judge.

I would concentrate on getting the legal/money issues sorted and then hopefully the way forward will seem clearer and less stressed.

Next time he starts hurling abuse just put the phone down, you dont have to listen to it

Agree with oldraver, don't let him reach you that way. Try to use email when you can (but dno't get into an email argument) If your dc hands the phone over don't lift it and say hello until you are out of the room and if he starts, put it down, you really don't have to listen to him. He's not in charge andymore you are. I know that feeling though it is hard but after a few times it works, the reief of not listening to THAT is so good.
I hope you are successful with the courts a.s.a.p.
Re; your dc relationship with his dad. That is what it is. his relationship. Would he not respond with you telling him upset he is making him.

Thanks guys. I know it's crap - I have tried for the last year to be so strong but it's so hard with no sleep and an upset DC. I know our realtionahip (mnine and DC) is strong and that's all that matters. X is hanging himself in the eyes of the dc without me saying anything but their upset still gets to me.
Spero, yeah it was the FDR - now scheduled for 1st April - if we don't get an agreement before. he is still lying on forms and I ahve a very good solicitor but it's over £5k noe in bills as X was so difficult. Dcs ask if we have to move house (and have been for a year) and I still can't answer. Let's hope the end is in sight ...

Thanks for your support!