Finding it hard to let go of the past

[ninah]

Right, had one of those hemmed in days yesterday, as rj describes on another thread. Feel ungrateful to be this way as life is so much SO much better, job, house, new chap who's considerate and keen ... yet somehow I still miss my ex, even though he was horrible a lot of the time. He had dc on Sat while I went out with new chap but all I could think is it should be me and ex, almost like I was cheating on him. I've just asked him to have dc for a week at Easter and he's really keen to and I should be over the moon but I'm sad because we're getting further and further away from each other into this ex partner routine. I can't help missing him though I know I shouldn't especially not after all this time. Dc let it slip about new man and ex looked uncomfortable. I know we aren't in the least suited, how can I stop feeling this way - and please don't say time it's been 3 years!

Did you end it or did he? Just wondering if you are regretting a decision that you made, or if you are still coming to terms with being on the receiving end of rejection.

maybe its because he is so familiar, and you were maybe not happy, but comfortable with your ex? i think once you have been with a new chap for a while, youll move on.

also what I found with my ex, is that I missed the man he was, not the man he turned out to be, and that makes me sad.

Well I left but didn't have a choice, he was shgging around, and I guess the rejection still hurts, yes. Perhaps you're right also, supervixen, I need to get used to someone new, and I'm aware I'm missing the 'ideal family' that never existed in reality. It is sad when you think about it, meeting someone having dc and ending up shaking hands and handing dc over to go bowling. In a way, the fact that you get used to it is the saddest thing of all.

aww.ninah xx
{asbm gives a MN hug}
i had no idea that you were feeling like this
i really thought that you were moving on what with the NM, tho i gathered that you werent exactly blown away by him
i can identify with the loss of the family unit thing
I felt that badly when my exh moved out and the first w/e without the dcs was horrendous for me truly
would you really like to get back with him after all he's put you thru?

yes I would
tho I know it's totally illogical. I do like my life I don't always have days like this, I count my blessings ... no more nights wondering where someone is, no more rows. I think now things are better everything's coming back to life again and that means the tricky feelings, too. Nm is kind and lovely and makes me laugh and I like being with him, although when we're apart I hardly think of him and I would forget him a lot sooner than 3 years if I'm honest. Then again the dc force contact with ex, and it's harder to move on from a relationship where there are dc full stop.
I did really love my ex and part of me still does. Seeing nm has brought up uncomfortable feelings that I was able to avoid before. I think sv is right I need more time in new relationship and to get over a few firsts - first shared access holidays and so on. Life's good though, I must keep remembering that, better than I would ever have thought possible when we split. Got a bit dressed up today and that helped. Thanks asbm.

can you go to some counselling sessions? that would help to move on. Gp can refer.

glad you got dressed up ninah it helps to put a smile on your face
yes that 1st shared access hol will be very hard and emotional
but at least you are anticipating it
that part hit me very hard indeed

i can so see where you are coming from, i am seeing a nm too and i could ditch him tomorrow and it wouldnt bother me. but i would not get back with ex no matter how much i am lonely. think of it if you did, you would be just as unhappy, maybe more so?

Hi i empathesise alot with what you are saying and i am presently divorcing but finding it very hard to let go esp as we have nearly 3 year old twins. I would have to say i have just started counselling and it is helping although hard it is worth it got it through my gp but has taken 5 months!!
But one of the things i have to keep reminding myself is i missed the man i married and he doesn't exist anymore!
My counsellor has given me some info on forgiveness which is making me think alot about a process i need to go through and how it will help me to let go. Have you thought about this?

thanks. It's not a big enough prob for counselling tbh. You're right sv, I know logically to go back would be a disaster. Just feels odd to move on I suppose. Agree with susyammonite that it's a process. I'm not as far ahead with it as I thought, that's all! thought it was all done and dusted.
spent yesterday night with nm and found it v hard to relax in his company tho somehow feeling a lot better this morning plus work busy, college stuff to do etc no time to dwell.
susy it must be really hard with the twins, plus seems more recent for you, keep on keeping on girl!
thanks for listening
sv are you lonely despite nm? weird, isn't it? mine keeps trying to do me lots of manly favours (not THAT kind - car advice etc) and it's nice but makes me feel wary

ninah yeah i am still lonely, i probably shouldnt be. but my family who i am close to are far away. but i have lots of friends, problem is they are mostly happily married, so it hurts a lot to see how happy they are etc. i am not seeing the nm so much, its early days, i guess its the someone to chat to in the evenings and the someone to come home to i miss. but i am wary of the nm too, he seems too keen! and im not comfortable with him yet he still feels like a stranger, but we cant live in the past, if we never move on and give it a go we will be stuck forever!

Similar here, I moved to village where it's mostly nuclear families. Have made one v good friend but she is due to emigrate in August!
Agree about nm - mine feels like a stranger until I've spent a bit of time with him, looked at him last night thinking who the hell are you, poor bloke, mind you it's prob similar for him as he was married for about a hundred years. It's nice yours is keen, mine is too, has to have staying power for two atm. Let's hope we'll be thankful for their persistence one of these days

haha you never know, it all might end up going really well for both of us.

shame about your friend emigrating what a bummer

How long have you and ex been apart?

a long time, about 3 years

How long have you been seeing the new man for? and how often do you see him?

about six months altogether, see him most weekends and one week evening, speak most days. Having said all the above we did have a really nice weekend his sons came to my house for first time, was much more relaxed than I expected and I am getting v fond of them all. I am a bit confused about what I want I suppose, once you've done the dp and dc thing and are on your own you realise you don't have a pattern to follow any more and have to make your own.

I would speculate and say that the time apart from your ex isn't the problem.

The time that you have been enjoying yourself is more the problem.

Living alone is "ok" but while living alone, do you find yourself laughing out loud (often)? Find things very intresting that you want to do it again? I would speculate and think - possibly not. You are happy being alone but you could be much happier.

Living alone doesn't let you enjoy life to that exiting extent (usually) unless your the sort of person who is a "get up and go" sort of person. Exiting and spontaneous, full of adventure.

Living alone does allow you to be shielded from some upsets that a relationship might cause. You are able to control your environment more while being single and alone.

Thinking back - you have your ex (that you felt close to) to remember and nothing to replace that happy (and close) memory with.

The new person in your life has been something new after the "suspended" life you lived for the 2 and a half years before, and the change is perhaps a bit of a disruption.

6 months of weekends. 2 nights week and 4 weeks a month. = 60 nights add 24 nights during the week and you have 80 odd nights of time together. I am sure that the time together is sometimes shared, perhaps by a drastic half. You are just starting to experience a few intresting things in your life now and comparing the new experiences to your past makes you want what you had - which raises the question - can you make a prediction in your life using what you know about your new man and think yourself into having a good close relationship with him?

If you can't see something in your life growing and improving, based on your past experience.You might be to fixated on trying to mirror your past on your current new development (relationship) or it might be that you don't feel that this relationship is going to be as good as you want it to be in the future.

The good thing (and you should consider it a strength) is that the relationship is building slowly. A slow built relationship has a better potential to go further and be stronger.

Based on your replies, you would have to take account of what you know now and imagine what you would want in the future, then decide if your future is going the way you feel it should.

Some of my reply conflicts with other parts. Just take the points that apply.

Ni thanks very much for taking time to give me this thoughtful reply. Has certainly given me a lot to consider! Of the years on my own the first 18 months or so was spent as you suggest in shock and depression (not just about ex)- for the remainder I began to feel happier. The new relationship is as you say a new possibility and I will try to think about the positives and not the pitfalls. Had a really good day at work today, sunshine - all of that helps too. Really appreciate your comments.