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Another pear-shaped relationship - is it me....?!

5 replies

Nothernbird · 22/02/2009 13:15

Hi - quick background. My ex-husband left nearly two years ago and very quickly, someone started pursuing me, which if I'm honest, I found quite flattering. I really didn't want to get into a relationship so took things VERY slowly (ie no kissing or anything) but then told him that I didn't really fancy him about 4 months into knowing him. However, the next day, I actually felt more sad about that than I did when my ex-H and I split up. We chatted a couple of days later and decided to give a relationship a go. And in the beginning it was fun (isn't it always?!). He has 3 kids from 2 other partners and I have 2 young kids so life wasn't exactly simple and we didn't see that much of each other, but when we did we had a laugh and things were good. However, as time has gone on, it feels like things have got more and more difficult (he feels we're stuck in a routine, but doesn't follow through on any ideas he may have to change the routine; he has criticised how I am with my kids, which I think is not on and criticised how I deal with my ex-H) and last week culminated in him having a massive go at me - I have been moody and not the happiest person of late, but this last arguement really knocked me confidence and made me see myself in a different light. He apologised to me and told me he loves me the way I am, but it doesn't feel like that. I feel like I'm more of a mother than a girlfriend to him (I cook for him, I organise our nights out, I spend time with his kids as he feels that's important, but doesn't feel the same desire to reciprocate). I guess that's the control freak in me - should I learn to let go a bit? In lots of ways I wish I'd stuck to my guns and resisted that intial flattery.

I just don't think relationships should be this hard work, but maybe I'm wrong? Maybe that's why I'm divorced?!!

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfGhosts · 22/02/2009 13:42

Do you think perhaps you got involved on the rebound?

If you rushed into this relationship to prove to yourself you were still desirable, for example, or because you needed someone to want you, iyswim, then when you begin to recover from the rejection and end of the relationship that propelled you into the next one (if you follow) then your need for it begins to go. That's why rebound relationships often fail.

At the end of the day, you swopped one unhappy relationship for another, didn't you? Is that what you want?

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 22/02/2009 13:47

I think Hecate has a point: you might have started a relationship with this man because you really didn't want to be single, and it may be that he felt the same. Hanging on to a partner, any partner, so as not to be single is fairly unhealthy: while some people can jog along comfortably enough with a partner who isn't abusive or a loon or an addict or whatever, these kind of 'you'll do I suppose' inertia relationships can become terribly draining after a while. You might actually be happier on your own for a bit - or indeed for a long time, but if a relationship is making you miserable longterm then really, if you can, pack it in.

Nothernbird · 22/02/2009 15:34

Hi - just had another conversation with him. And I do feel drained. I never realised it was so hard work! I know that I'm a control freak but this is something different. He makes everything he does sound so reasonable (and actually it probably is) and everything I do sound slightly paranoid or like I've lost perspective. Maybe I have.

Maybe I do just need to give the single life a go. I quite like spending time by myself and I've managed so far to buy a house, get a new job, make sure my kids aren't traumatised, so I guess I'd do OK by myself.

I think Hecate has hit the nail on the head with the rebound relationship - I think I did want to prove I was still desirable. And Solid, I think I've been there done that with the 'you'll do I suppose' relationship. I need to bite the bullet...

OP posts:
mummyfantastico · 22/02/2009 21:01

I think being single after being in a long term relationship is really important. I found that I needed the time and space to rediscover myself as a person.
Good luck!

mummyfantastico · 22/02/2009 21:01

Also my XH (who is still with the woman he left me for) seems to be even more of a miserable sod than he used to be, whereas I know I'm happy

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