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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Kids dont want to see in-laws tomorrow..........

17 replies

FeelingOld · 21/02/2009 23:59

and to be honest neither do I!!

Exh and I have been separated for a year and this will be the first time I have seen my mother in law for 12 months (she came over to see us twice the during the first few days after we split). She phoned a couple of weeks ago to apologise for not being in touch but said she found it too difficult (her son was having and affair) but wants us to keep in touch so would we go for lunch tomorrow (they live 15 miles away), I said yes before I realised what I had said.

My exh has fallen out with her because she does not approve of what he has done, so if she doesnt keep in touch with me she wont see the kids (dd is mine, ds is mine and her sons child). Its gonna be really awkward and difficult, am way past the crying stage but I am worried when i see her and exh gran my hurt feelings will all come flooding back and i really dont want that, i am moving on now and its the last thing i need right now.

The kids dont want to go cos frankly they are hurt that she didnt contact us in all this time (I did however leave several messages for her on her answerphone telling her our new tel number and address when we moved 10 months ago, dont think she wanted to pick the phone up when she saw it was me calling).

Do any of you other lone parents keep in touch with your in laws?

OP posts:

piratecat · 22/02/2009 00:05

hi,

hugs to you, it's such a tender and difficult time, and it is often really hard to know how to feel towards the ex inlaws.

I tend to get angry with mine one min for not seeing what an arse thier son is being, to compassionate and sad becuase they are in such a difficult position.

I think it's worth building on tho. Further down the line you may regret them not being in your lives, somehow, or for some reason.

It's a new thing you have to do tomorrow, and i think tolerence and forgiveness for stuff is a good way to go.

They are prob very embarrassed and annoyed at him, very sad too.

Leslaki · 22/02/2009 00:51

TBH I felt somewhat detached from them when I saw them after the first few intial emotional meetings. they are still being complete prats but I do the 'duty' every now and then as I feel that it's not up to me to stop the DCS relationship with their (not very interested) grandparents. They could make an effort, but I will always be able to look my Dc in the eye and say that I did everything in their interests, for them. They too are very ashamed of their son but as I have been repatedly tol 'blood id thicker than water at the end of the end of tha day". The DCs know who to trust....

PurpleOne · 22/02/2009 04:10

the first time my dds saw them after we divorced, my ex mil stormed into my house and just ignored me! not even an hello.

thankfully they all moved to spain last year, but do remember they are your dcs grandparents.

especially now more important for me as i fell out with my parents last year too..

if its for a couple of hours, surely it's ok?

Original poster

FeelingOld · 22/02/2009 11:19

When they had no contact with us i felt quite annoyed, i had to pack up, move house etc with no help (my parents are both disabled so although have helped me financially they cant help with the physical stuff) and to be honest i felt a bit let down that they never even contacted us let alone helped us in anyway so i just resigned myself to the fact they were not bothered about us so when they phoned out of the blue it threw me really.
We are all sat here now ready to go, gonna leave in about 20 mins and the kids (13 and 8) are not happy about going, i am putting a brave face on it but to be honest am dreading it, its the first time i will have sat at their table without exh next to me.

I have faced a lot over the past year, moving, birthdays, our wedding anniv, christmas, anniv of our splitting up and once i got past the latter thought i had done it all and started to feel better, now here is another hurdle i have to get over.

OP posts:

mummyfantastico · 22/02/2009 11:21

Good luck, remember if it is really bad you will never have to do it again.

Original poster

FeelingOld · 22/02/2009 11:26

Thanks, yeah i suppose i dont have to do it again but if its the only way they will get to see the kids i will feel guilty if i dont. They have never bothered that much with the kids to be honest, used to see them probably monthly despite only living 15 miles away, they rarely used to visit us, probably about 6 times in 10 years.

Just hope they make up with exh then he can continue with taking the kids and not me.

OP posts:

piratecat · 22/02/2009 11:32

at least you can cross it off your list. good luck, i know that it feels like you can't be assed, and why should you really, as they havent been in touch. Yet you can hold your head high, and say you went. Then continue as you were. It's not easy (understatement) when your whole life is upheaved like yours has been. Like you say it's another hurdle, but by the end of the day it will have been done. Make sure you have a bottle in to treat yourself later.!!

Original poster

FeelingOld · 22/02/2009 11:34

I have a rule about never drinking alone but think i might break my own rule tonight, i think i will deserve it.
Oh well, off we go, now gonna have to drag the kids into the car, will report back later on how it went

OP posts:

piratecat · 22/02/2009 18:58

how was it?

mummyfantastico · 22/02/2009 19:46

How did it go? Are you getting stuck into that bottle now!

Original poster

FeelingOld · 22/02/2009 21:43

Well I am pleased to report that it went better than I thought it would. The in-laws are disgusted with the way exh has treated me and the kids and apparantly could not face me before now cos they were too ashamed and too upset.
We had a good chat and a nice lunch, it wont be something that happens too often but we will do it again.
As someone already said on here, another thing to tick off my list of things i have had to do.

OP posts:

MsHighwater · 22/02/2009 21:52

Good for you, FeelingOld. I think the fact that their relationship with your ex has taken a hit because of their disapproval of what he did is a good sign (in a funny sort of way) for your, and your kids' future relationship with them. Perhaps they thought you would not want to see them. I hope you can help your kids to understand and forgive that and I'm sure you will not regret maintaining the relationship.

Hopefully your ex will mend fences with them too.

Original poster

FeelingOld · 22/02/2009 22:10

They dont approve of anything he has done obviously but they can deal with the fact that our marriage is over and can even kind of deal with the fact he is living with the 'other woman', the thing they cant get over and the thing they have fallen out with him about is the fact he puts the 'other womans' daughter before his own children.

I actually feel sorry for his mum, she is still very upset about it all.

OP posts:

piratecat · 23/02/2009 12:07

feelingold, so pleased it went ok for you.

my ex inlaws also struggle with how he treats his dd, and are very supportive if i need to get intouch with them. They don't understand him. Yet, when push comes to shove he is their son, and sometimes that's tough for them and for me.

Original poster

FeelingOld · 23/02/2009 19:09

Thanks piratecat.

Why is life never easy???

All i want is for ex to WANT to see his kids and when they are there NOT to treat the 'other womans' child like she is more important.

Oh and it would be nice if he paid me some of the 8 months maintenance he owes me too.

Dont want much do I?

OP posts:

piratecat · 24/02/2009 18:01

feeling old, you could be me. my ex's new woman's daughter is more important to him than his own child.

my dd was and is in counselling, and didn't see her daddy for 8 months last yr, at her request becuase even at 6 yrs old she coudln't bare all the let downs. xmas came and he was menat to be back on track, to her utter happiness, but he's done it again, and hasn't properly seen her or arranged anything since then.

i really sympathise, i am the same.

Original poster

FeelingOld · 24/02/2009 19:18

Bit of background info, dd 13 is my daughter not his but he has been her stepdad for 10 years but now he virtually ignores her, ds is 8 and is our son and he also has a son from his first marriage who is 14.

Obviously the boys want to see each other but it is left to his mum and me to arrange for them to spend time together cos ex cant be bothered to see them cos it interferes with his social life.

When we were together ex and ds were inseparable, he put him to bed every night, took him to the footie etc so ds finds it so difficult to deal with the rejection and like your ex mine will say he is going to see him then either rings to say he will be late or cant see him at all.

I dont really care what happens to my ex as long as the kids are happy.

OP posts:

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