Sorry if this question is asked re access all the time.... long sorry

[Hesdoneitagain]

My ExH and I split up when DD was about 18months old. He decided he was too young for wife and child He moved out. He went on holiday for 2 weeks leaving me working 40 hours a week, not driving and with DD who at that point was not sleeping at night, trying to balance looking after her with earning enough to pay the huge debts he left us with.

Anyway. He was violent to me in front of her (only once physically, screaming, shouting and swearing several times) and after that I only allowed hin supervised access for a period. Then he had her fairly regularly but moaned about it and never wanted more access just less.

He then moved 200 miles away. He used to phone twice a week, now its once if that. Several times he's let her down by not turning up when he said he would INCLUDING BOXING DAY!!!!!

She has said (she's 4 now) that she no longer wants to stay overnight with him. She did this very rarely anyway. He has gone ballistic re this and says he will not let me dictate to him whether she goes to stay overnight with him or not, I've tried explaining again and again its her that said she didnt want to, she said he shouted at her and wouldn't hug her.

He is always moving his visits due to the fact he wants to go out drinking / wants to see new girlfriend / is hungover etc / has run out of money (he earns £40k a year!). However, I and DD are supposed to not make arrangements / attend her friends parties in case he wants to see her that weekend. I have suggested he takes her to the parties he refuses.

Sorry to ramble. The point is, he lets her down, changes things all the time, swears at me constantly in communications (email / text), evidently frightened her last time she was down there and is now threatnening me with court if I don't let him take her overnight. Can he do this? He's threatening me with going for custody too. He's a solicitor (non family law)

Can someone please reassure me that as shes always lived in our house her whole life, her nursery / school that shes been in since 7 months is the same one, her friends are here, her grandparents are here, her ballet is here etc etc that no court would ever change custody??

Also can they force me to make her go overnight when she doesnt want to?

Sorry for all the rambling and the questions x

No court will award him custody. Do you have any kind of formal agreement about access?

Not sure, know that sounds silly but our divorce is about 4 weeks away from going through and when we filed we said we'd arrange contact between the two of us.

We filled something in re occasional weekends / telephone calls weekly etc but as far as I'm concerned it was just agreed between the two of us although i'm sure it was recorded in the divorce petition.

I'd go and see the CAB if I were you. And record, in a diary, all of the above and any future incidents.Seems to me the most worrying part of all this is that your DD has been frightened and upset on visits with him. In your position I would certainly refuse access, unless supervised by someone you trust, and call his bluff re: custody.As far as I know, there have to be extreme circumstances for any court to remove a child from their mother's custody.But get some legal advice. He's being a $%£>@.

Well then, no-one can force you to send your child overnight either.

Keep all those abusive texts and emails in case he goes to court, though I think that's unlikely. Abusive men who threaten to take the child away don't really mean it - he's not exactly falling over himself to see her at the moment, so he's not going to want the hassle of her living with him, is he?

Thank you for your replies I appreciate it. I think he just freaked me out because hes a solicitor hes always threatening me with various legal things.

I will definitely start recording all incidents and also make notes of whats happened in past.

OLKN - Very good point, he usually brings her back early if he bothers coming on a Saturday (meant to be 10 to 4, usually 11.30 to 3!!).

Do you think it would damage DD though if I stop access? I have had a new DP for 2 years and she treats him as her father, he is amazing with her, but will it scar her for life if I limit her access to her 'real' father?

So difficult to know what to do isn't it.

If he can't or won't talk to you sensibly about this, then mediation is probably out?

I think it would be a good idea for you to have an appointment with CAB or a family solicitor, just to reassure you. He won't get residence; it seems like you have been the primary carer all your daughter's life, so unless you are on drugs, beating her, alienating her from father etc, there are no reasons to change that.

She has a right to a relationship with him, as long as she is safe and he is consistent and regular in his contact, anything else is likely to be confusing and upsetting for her.

If he can't be reasonable, maybe the best thing is to make your own application to court for a defined contact order, that would certainly call his bluff! You don't necessarily need a solicitor, your local court can give you the forms and they are designed to be quite user friendly as less and less people qualify for public funding now.

Good luck.

Just read your other post - unless you can show that contact with her father is damaging her, you won't be supported by the courts in cutting him out of her life. And it probably wouldn't be the best thing for her - she needs to make up her own mind about him or you risk her reaction against you when she is older.

Spero - I tried saying to him tell me the dates you can do over next 2 months, I'll check them against whatever we've got on (only her friend's bday parties / family birthdays) and we can agree a schedule that way.

He said 'You can't dictate to me re when and for how long I can see my daughter. I do not know when over the next 2 months I will want to see her. I do not agree that I have to give you more than reasonable notice'

He's a git.

Think CAB / solicitor very good idea! Or alternatively an AK47?

I agree Spero, just need to find the right line between letting him upset her or disappoint her when he doesnt turn up and trying to make sure she maintains relationship.

sorry to hear he is acting that way. It is sadly quite common, its about power and control, not about what is best for your daughter. He is wrong.

Of course life happens, plans get changed, but you should have a consistent regular plan of contact for her sake,which you do try to stick to. and if he can't sign up for that, then yup, he's a git.

Hesdoneit.

Short term, try sending him a letter maybe telling him when YOU can manage access dates. Give a few options. Keep a copy.

And show it to the CAB/solicitor, along with everything else.

He might, eventually, realise that he wants to do things right. My exdh did- but it took several years.

Hesdoneitagain I don't think it'll scar your daughter for life if she loses contact with her natural father, particularly as your DP is fulfilling that role for her now. It's a shame daddy's an arse, but hardly unusual, sadly. It's likely your ex will gradually fade away, but you might find in the future that she will want to reinstate contact - and he might be happier getting to know an older child, rather than a young one. A lot of men just don't find babies and toddlers very appealing (their loss) but are happy with older children who talk nicely and don't need their appies changed.

Sadly I don't think there's a way round the disappointment when he doesn't turn up to see her - maybe just don't make too big a thing out of "Oooh, you're seeing daddy on Saturday!" if you know ther's a fair chance he'll not turn up.

loads up AK47 and stockpiles ammo