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Lone parents

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Original poster

Am i the loneliest person ever

72 replies

SilverSparkle · 18/02/2009 11:37

I don't even know where to start my post to be honest. I grew up in a large family but when i chose to live my life my way and make my own decisions i wasn't part fo the family anymore. Over the years some contact has been resumed but its all so awkward etc. I have 2 very young DC and am a single mum.

I am so lonely it hurts....it really hurts! I don't really have my family....i can visit but i don't have them for support. I have no close friends nearby at all. I have no one. I work fulltime and children are in school and nursery and i do everything, absolutely everything.

I don't know what i am looking for by posting this....maybe some words of comfort, i really don't know....all i know is i am at a very low point at the moment....very low.

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverSparkle · 18/02/2009 13:30

I know it must have taken them alot to even allow me back into their lives but i feel that i have been punished enough. I don't want them to keep me hidden and i would never hide my DC. At low points like this everyone wants their family for support and thats what i need too....i would love for my mum to put her arms around me and tell me its ok. I'm in my early 30's by the way but i guess a girl always needs her mum.

OP posts:
ilove · 18/02/2009 13:31

Yes she does. Why don't you write to your mum? And tell her how you feel? It was an awful thing for your sister to say to you that you should hide/leave as they have visitors coming.

Original poster
SilverSparkle · 18/02/2009 13:36

I'm not sure if my mum will get round to asking me if i'm happy again but i doubt it....after all, what can she do about it.

A few years ago when my ex and i split up i was a complete wreck and had no choice but to call my family cos i needed them so much, i felt i couldn't function. I needed to speak to my mum and when she came on the phone she asked me what i wanted her to do about it. Shes not a cold person, none of my family are cold people, they are lovely, but i guess i did the worst thing i could ever do as far as they are concerned.

So i guess a letter may not go to plan.

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LoveMyGirls · 18/02/2009 13:43

why should you hide thats silly. I did think this would be a culteral clash type situation tbh.

It's so harsh to treat you so badly and you're the one they are ashamed of they have no right!

Be proud of yourselves and your children.

Write to your family and tell them their treatment of you is unacceptable and write how you really feel.

Love for your children is unconditional your mum should know better imo.

Sorry you have been treated so badly by the people who should love you most, life is so unfair at times.

Original poster
SilverSparkle · 18/02/2009 13:47

Your are spot on with what you say LoveMyGirls. I did think my family would love me unconditionally but what society thinks is more important than me and even though i am now allowed to visit there are still restrictions. Before i visit i need to make sure they are not expecting other people round. I have to hear about what they;ve been up to, holidays they go on etc etc and it all hurts.

I don't begrudge them any of it....i would just love to have their love and support and not treat me like a dirty secret

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LoveMyGirls · 18/02/2009 13:57

Tbh I would work on building a support network around me and do my best to see them as little as possible because it sounds like they are unwilling to accept you even though you have done nothing wrong which would break me but it looks like you are left with little choice.

I've done lots of things my family probably didn't think were the right things to do but they love and support me no matter what and I don't consider myself lucky (maybe I should) but I consider it to be normal I'm sad that you have been treated so badly by yours.

Original poster
SilverSparkle · 18/02/2009 14:00

Its is breaking me....slowly

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helsbels4 · 18/02/2009 14:11

I still don't understand why they're encouraging hiding you away now? What are they like with your dc's? Have your parents and family got a problem with all people of a different colour or just that particular person that you were with? I can't understand why they wouldn't welcome their daughter and her young family back with open arms.
Sorry, that was a lot of questions wasn't it?

Original poster
SilverSparkle · 18/02/2009 14:16

I think they don't want others to know i am "back on the scene" to avoid gossip. I am not sure what they told other people at the time as obviously i never went back home and i assume they don't want to be talked about again.

Its also the fact i bought "shame" on the family by going against tradition.

They wouldn't have been ok with anyone who wasn't what they expected, it didn't have anything to do with this particular person at all esp as he was a decent man.

I guess i have to accept that this is probably as much as i can expect from them and for my sake and my DC sake i think its better than nothing esp as either way it would hurt me....not having them would hurt me too.

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helsbels4 · 18/02/2009 14:29

Surely you should be there for your children, no matter what? Fine if they think you made some sort of mistake or didn't act as they wanted you to act but you and your dc's are here and waiting to be loved and welcomed back now. Whatever you did, or they consider you did, can't be that bad that they need to hide you away surely? I'm sure all the gossip-mongers would soon find someone else to gossip about I'm sure! I'm sorry if I'm coming across as being a bit thick with regards to your situation but I just can't imagine ever treating my dc's in this way, even if they had done something wrong.

Notquitegrownup · 18/02/2009 14:33

Oh SilverSparkle (I love your name!) You have been incredibly brave contacting your family again and trying to build bridges, whilst your dcs are small, but really do you want them to grow up sharing your family's views of life, or with a new set of values, based on a different tradition - one that you set?

I can hear that you are lonely and hurting and want your family to accept you again, but on the other hand, you have a chance to build a new future for your new family. That is easier said than done, I know, but I would like to believe that there are other people 'out there' (and on here!) who will value you for who you are and who will talk to you and support you, despite your past - and even because of it!

Working full time and caring for your children without a partner must make it hugely difficult for you to meet new people and find a support network, but it may not be impossible. Then if you choose to keep in contact with your parents and siblings you are doing so because of what you value about them, but you can do so, knowing that you also have positive support elsewhere too. Your health visitor may be able to suggest somewhere locally as a starting point for building new friendships and self esteem. Or if you work for a large organisation they may have something like the Springboard project, designed to encourage women to build up their skills and confidence.

HTH. Keep on posting.

Original poster
SilverSparkle · 18/02/2009 14:36

I would never ever turn my back on my DC either, no matter what and even more so now that i know what it feels like.

No matter what else happens you should always be able to count on your family....well thats how it should be. I'm sure i am not alone in this situation but i just feel i don't have anyone at all. I am able to pick up the phone and talk to my friends but it would be nice to have some contact, more than just work colleagues, to make friends.

I wonder sometimes what would happen if i was really ill, who would look after my children. What if i needed to go into hospital, what would happen to them....these are all the things i worry about....how did i end up in a situation where i have no one....

OP posts:
ilove · 18/02/2009 14:41

SS can I ask you...are you white or are you not? Because I think that often Asian families can be harsher in this kind of situation, if that makes sense.

Not trying to upset/offend you at all but it might be easier to understand a little?

Original poster
SilverSparkle · 18/02/2009 14:42

I'm asian

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helsbels4 · 18/02/2009 14:44

I really, really feel for you and I can't imagine being as lonely as you sound. Blimey, I thought I was lonely - mum died nearly 4yrs ago (my best friend), dad is busy with new partner and doesn't have much time for us anymore but I have two lovely brothers and a scattering of friends that I can at least moan to. Oh and a dh Compared to you, I have a good support network but still feel loney - sahm, no money, no car blah blah blah. I do think though, that you need to face this head-on and tell your mum how you are feeling and how you would like things to be resolved if possible and then the ball is in her court and if she still holds the same feelings and beliefs after that then maybe it's time to once and for all to go it alone. I found I made lots of new friends and felt much more "with it" once ds started school and we both started mixing with people.

ilove · 18/02/2009 14:45

Yes I thought so. It all makes far more sense now...I guess our parents see it as you dishonouring them in some way? It is dreadfully sad for you as the sense of family and community is far stronger in your culture.

ilove · 18/02/2009 14:46

Not our parents, your parents sorry...damn keyboard!

Original poster
SilverSparkle · 18/02/2009 14:50

Your right Helsbels4, i think if i get the chance i probably do need to tell my mum. If she asks me again whether i am happy or not then i'll be honest with her but i think i know what her response will be "we did tell you so".....

I'm really not a bad person so why is my life not full of happiness! The last 10 years have been hard and i'm starting to wonder if my life will ever be easier or happier or if this is it for me.

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Songbird · 18/02/2009 14:53

'though i am now allowed to visit there are still restrictions'

I don't think they'll ever be OK with what's happened. You owe it to yourself and your children to sever the ties and move on. I know that's so easy to say, and really hard to even think about doing, but what are your children going to think? If he hasn't already, in a very short time your eldest son is going to realise that his family are ashamed of him (as presumably your sons are mixed-race) and he might start to feel ashamed of himself. This will be repeated with ds2, probably at a younger age. You will presumably be teaching your sons to value themselves and not let anyone make them feel inferior, but this is what you do to yourself when you visit your family. It's heartbreaking but it will be so unhealthy for them to be in such a negative environment.

Shame on your family!

Songbird · 18/02/2009 14:56

And don't wait for your mum to ask if you're happy. You need to tell her! Write a letter, you'll be able to articulate your feelings so much better than face-to-face - mums have a way of making us feel guilty! And make it clear that you're unhappy because of them, don't give them a chance to blame your ex. The fact that you're no longer together is irrelevant to your relationship with your family.

Original poster
SilverSparkle · 18/02/2009 14:59

Songbird, thats exactly how i feel when i am there....i'm ashamed to say i do feel inferior! I don't know why i feel like that but i do and i can't help it.

No, i don't ever want my DC to feel anything negative about who they are. I don't see a person colour or religion, i just see the person and thats what i will be bringing my DC up to see too.

Last year i did explain to them that i am turning my back on them as i couldn't cope with feeling like this anymore and not knowing where i stand with them etc and how it all hurt too much but i was told they didn't want that etc.....i'm not sure what to do for the best

OP posts:
Songbird · 18/02/2009 15:02

But who cares what they want? Seriously! Now's the time to be selfish and want a happy bigotry-free future for your beautiful boys!

helsbels4 · 18/02/2009 15:03

Ah, I understand it a little better now. SilverSparkle (I too love your name!) you aid that you have spoken to your brothers and have visited occasionally - would you be able to talk more openly with a sibling and put your point across? I think you need to be totally open and honest with them and tell them that the situation is destroying you. Feel so sad for you, you don't deserve this.

Songbird · 18/02/2009 15:06

It is so awful, and not uncommon in the Asian community, I fear. Do you think your siblings might worry they'd be ostracised if they started 'showing you off' again?

Original poster
SilverSparkle · 18/02/2009 15:09

Helsbels, your right, i really don't deserve this...i really really don't.

I think i will need to say something to someone soon as i can't go on like this. I can't feel like this anymore and be treated like this. I can't see why they can't just say to people, yes she made a mistake but shes our daughter/sister and were in touch with her and leave it at that. People don't need to know the ins and outs of it all....again, easier said than done.

My brothers really are lovely too, but i'm not sure howmuch sympathy i would get as this situation is "my own making".

I'm sorry everyone, i know i;m not being very positive but i just feel so worn down by it all. Ever feel like you are tired of being strong and need someone to be there for you for a change....

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