Contact: Have I been unreasonable? Am I being paranoid?

[BurningBright]

I had to cancel the meeting ExP and I were due to have a week or so ago to discuss arranging contact between him and DD because I was snowed in. I suggested rearranging for the following week but he was going to be away. He wanted to discuss it on the phone but I think we need to meet. He then asked to rearrange over the weekend but I couldn't because I already had plans. At this point he accused me of being unreasonable.

Now I admit that I haven't exactly bent over backwards to welcome him back into our lives. It's more than six weeks since he started making noise about wanting to see DD. But he showed no interest in her for more than two years before that, so I don't think he is really in a position to get shirty because I haven't immediately rearranged my life to accommodate him. And I was the one who initiated the meeting. He seemed to want to make arrangements by text message and hasn't offered any proposals as to what exactly it is he wants. I think we need to actually talk to one another.

I have never said he can't see DD. I'm not thrilled about it, but I know that she has a right to know him and that even if he had not decided to swan in now, at some point she is going to be curious and will want to find out about him. So I fully intended to meet with him and come to some agreement. I don't really feel that I can be held responsible for the circumstances that caused the meeting to be cancelled.

Over this weekend, however, something a bit wierd happened which has made me think that someone we both know was checking my address details on his behalf. This person knows where I live but probably would not remember the exact address, IYSWIM. I suspect that ExP may still be away, but I'm a bit concerned that instead of rearranging the meeting (which is what I asked him to do when he gets back) he is going to go to a solicitor and needs my address for this.

I may be being paranoid, of course. But I'm really stressed about this. I don't think that I have been unreasonable, but am I wrong? Would a solicitor tell him that he needs to actually talk to me and try to come to an amicable arrangement before sending in the legal heavies?

Anybody?

No, you don't sound unreasonable, if you contacted him and suggested that the meeting be re-arranged.

Do you have any reason apart from instinct to think that he would be going to a solicitor?

It will not reflect well on him if he has, if you have shown willing to make an agreement/meet on neutral ground/mediate etc.

It doesn't sound to me that you have done anything wrong so please don't panic!

You havent been unreasonable at all.
Do you have his address or an email address? Perhaps you could pre-empt any upset by sending him a note (that you keep a copy of!) suggesting various times convenient to you for the meeting and asking him to get in touch and let you know which date and time suits him too if he is still interested in making arrangements.
Then if he has done anything like get a solicitor on the case, you'll have proof that you are being perfectly reasonable!

Hi Janos - the concern about him going to a solicitor is partly instinct but also the possibility that someone has been round to check my address details. I can only think of two reasons why he would want to know the address where I live - one is so that he can give my address to a solicitor and the other is so that I would know he knows where I live and feel intimidated. I don't really think that it is the latter. But I think that he is the sort of person who might get legal on me out of sheer temper and frustration that his demands have not instantly been met. He was so used to me giving in to him on pretty much everything when we were together that it must have come as a bit of a shock when I didn't this time.

Hi 2pt4 - what you say does make sense. We have been in contact by email (since I told him that text was not appropriate) and I have kept copies of all the correspondence. I suppose the sensible thing to do would be to pre-empt him by getting back in touch to arrange the meeting.

I admit that I am reluctant to do this, though. I had to initiate the original meeting because despite saying that he wants to have contact with DD he was not making any specific suggestions or trying to have any sort of sensible, grown-up discussion about it. He seems to expect me to do all the work - much like when we were actually together!

I am quite anxious about the idea of a solicitor. I've taken the precaution of getting legal advice myself but only because I want to protect DD. His motives would be more about hurting me and getting his own way regardless of the consequences for anyone else.

I don't think that I have been unreasonable -and before he starts bandying accusations like that around he really needs to examine his own behaviour (but that's a whole different thread). But I have dragged my heels a bit.