Any other total lone parents? No father involved at all etc??

[sleepylion]

Hi there,

I just posted a very long post, and thought I should add a second post to draw the attention of other mums who are completely going it alone.

I've come to realise there are several forms of single parenthood, but in this forum they're all jumbled up.

My daughters father has not been in the picture at all since I became pregnant, apart from a couple of disasterous attempts to involve him. But it's a no-go. He's a total alcoholic, pig-minded, rude and selfish idiot wit no place in his life for a child.

I know there are many mums on this forum who maintain some kind of relationship with their ex, or with the father of their child/children. So this means their child/ren have a father figure, in some shape or form. And that maybe as mums they have some kind of relief, either by sharing child care occasionally, or financial responsibility.

How many mums are there on mumsnet who go it totally alone in every respect? Could we please get together on here?

Thanks,

Lou

Really you know, I am not a negative person by nature, and hate the fact that these feelings are swamping me right now. I've found many aspects of single-parenting difficult, but I've never let it get to me for long. I tried (and still do, mostly) to focus on the positive aspects, such as how happy my little one seems to be, how I have a fulfilling career, and how I do actually get breaks away ( in fact, Lou, I was in Amsterdam over the Easter weekend, its a wonderful place).
On reflection, I seem to have short periods like this, where the burden of things overwhelm me and then I dust myself off and get on with it again. I think that I'll probably come out of this in a few days again. To be honest, while I think that a support/friendship network is what all of us would benefit from, I'm not sure that I would personally benefit from one that was exclusive on to lone parents. I prefer instead to just accept that this is the path that I am on right now and live my life as I would have before (within reason). Focusing on my problems wouldn't really help me tbh, I prefer to ride them out. We are all different I guess. Hope you're ok x

Hi Pingu,

I know what you mean about the cycles of negative thoughts. Mine came in short bursts, but they are becoming more of an underlying state of mind since my daughter became about a year old, which is far more worrying. I think perhaps the reality of this being long term and the prospect of living with loneliness is so frightening. I too am usually a very positive and optimistic person, and a real surviver by nature. I guess that's why until now I never wanted to join a single mums group, as I didnt want to pigeon hole myself or my daughter, but to rather blend in naturally, without hang ups. But lately I just feel the isolation and the limitations I experience just cannot be understood by everyone else, and I get so tired of explaining such simple things when I feel it should be obvious! Having to point some things out to people sometimes makes me feel even more confronted by what is happening - I just long for friendships with an unspoken common understanding in that area. That would help me to ride out my problems. God I wish I felt a spring in my step to match this wonderful weather, and the bright spark of pure and beautiful joy in my daughters eyes. She is so amazing, and balanced and happy. I have no idea how, when most of the time I feel the haze of loneliness kills my chances of having creative moments with her.
How do you keep yourself moving with games and interaction when you're feeling down? Any tips?! :-)

Loulahoop,
The thing that helps me is realising that everything is just a phase. The first couple of years, then things gradually begin to open up and get easier again. small things like the fact that my son can now be left at parties and he goes to them almost every other weekend which gives me a couple of hours to myself...we enjoy the cinema and theatre together and can to restaurants together. He goes to sleepovers and that gives me a night off!

And things like this will just carry on and by the time he is thirteen or so I will be able to go out in the evenings. I know it is a very long way off for you and me but gradually you will have your freedom back.

In the meantime, there is little you can do but accept that you are lonely and recognise the difficult times of day. If you can get to know friends, some single, some not you may get a social circle who you can sometimes go out with, in time may have your child to stay, come round to yours for dinner etc.

I do things now with my son now that I couldn't have imagined a few years ago, such as there is a pub near me that has a big garden and regular bands playing in the evenings and we sometimes go and see them with a friend and her son. It means he has a late night but is great fun and I hope more things will open up in time.

I don't think many people understand your or my situation and have no idea what it is like but you need to keep yourself strong physically and mentally for your child. Don't get too down if you can help it, it will get better and you will have an unbreakable bond with your child.

Hi Lou

I cannot post details of my situation here but I wanted to say, reading all your posts has made me cry so much. So much of what you speak of has struck a chord with me. Especially the part about the dynamics of the triangle..

Am in an almost parallel situation by the sounds of things, and very isolated, and very lonely. Have actually started to dread evenings. But you are not alone. If only we lived close by each other. There are absolutely no single parents around here.

Here's to a bright future for us and our little families. Never stop dreaming!

oh PS sorry this is not very constructive advice, just wanted to say how much what you said resonates!

i have been totally alone from my son's conception.

i had a few one night stands (40th birthday, went a bit mad).

no idea who the father was, a bit of a nightmare at the time.

but i knew it was probably my only chance of a child. i knew he'd (i guessed rightly a boy) be beautiful and intelligent and sensitive, and he was - because all the men i slept with handsome and intelligent.

it has not been an easy ride, i would not recommend it, a loving father i believe is a real asset.

but this is what i decided.

i am a devoted mother (surprisingly).

i didn't have to deal with a difficult ex. but i did have to face the future alone, not particularly through my own choice.

its been (incredibly) hard, but a revelation.

and, i agree, with susia, it gets easier in many ways.

P.S. Talking of reaching out amongst friends, there's an organisation called SPTC.

This is Single Parents Travel Club.

Definitely worth joining. They arrange holidays and days out and you can be part of that.

Hi, looking for some advice really, I'm totally alone mother of 1, dad didn't want to know from me telling him i was pregnent, but son is now 9 and wants a dad and has asked who dad is. I,ve explained that his dad doesn't want to know but he gets upset and he says he wants a dad cause evryone else has one. Any one else had this situation, if so what did you say? thanx

Im a totally single mum, my ds (deaf with learning difficulties and special needs) found his dad dead in bed two days before his fifth birthday, i thought he was coping ok (hes nearly 13 now) last Thursday morning i had to wake him up as we were going to be late going out(dont normally wake him up) He sat up in bed looked at me and burst out crying and said and signed that he wanted his daddy back as he had been dreaming about him! It nearly broke my heart)

Hey lou,

For the first 3 months of my pregnancy i was in it alone, the father did not want to know and told me to have abortion etc..then i met a new guy..and i thought everything had slotted into place and it was going to be great..unfortunately after the first month or so his true colours came out and he was aggressive, shouting, etc and then when my baby was 6 months old he hit me and I left so for the last two months have been doing it alone without any interest from my babys real father either..
i know what you mean about most single parents they do have the dad around in some way or another..and I feel lonely sometimes and like i dont really fit with the other mums especially the ones still with their partners its like they have done everything right and i have failed to create a family for my daughter, but all i can do is be best mum i can and hope she will not suffer as a consequence.
Anyway if you want to chat sometime feel free...
Mary xx

I'm alone with my 2 kids.

My son's dad died 5 years ago and my daughter's dad died nearly 2 years ago.

It's quite hard sometimes being the only parent making all the decisions.

My son is 12 and remembers his dad and does sometimes get upset and my daughter's Dad died while was was pregnant with her.

Hey Lou,

Totally relate to all the feelings you have.. and its actually re-assuring to hear in a weird kind of way so I know I am not going mad wiht my own feelings.

I am a new single mum - my daughter is just 8 weeks old and this last week I have found the loneliness quite daunting and on top of that just feeling sad, angry, hurt by the situation with the ass of a father. My family don't live near, and I am now starting to struggle to find things to do on a daily basis so that I am at least in the company of others even if they are not directly in my company.

Basically a short relationship last year resulted in beautiful daughter . He returned to his ex, who low and behold fell pregnant just 2 months behind me... (I think he was having his cake and eating it!!) He wants nothing to do with our daughter, but just knowing that he is the father of another daughter that he can bother his arse with is quite hurtuful. what makes the situation seem so in my face all the time is that I have contact with his parents - they want to be part of her life, and I can't deny them that as they have not done anything wrong and they are very supportive - but it is just a constant reminder..

I am dismayed that his ex appeared to have deliberatly got pregnant (she is apparently obsessed wtih him and this appears to have been her attempt to keep him!). I am angry and hurt by all his bullshit and nastyness towards me i.e I apparently should have had a termination as per him finding himself in this situation previously!) - he initially seemed interested in his first born - but has now back tracked and does not want to know our daughter or meet her. I just sometimes feel sick at the whole situation and look at my lovely daughter and just cry... what will I tell her in the future - that daddy did not want to know you, but oh by the way you have a half sister that he did bother with. What will happen if she is still in contact with the grandparents and daddy is still not interested? I have asked him for nothing, financially or otherwise - all I asked was that he acknowledged her.

I find it difficult to talk to family and friends about how I am really feeling as I have always been a 'coper'... I had always imagined that motherhood would come with fatherhood - that was my ideal, although I know from reading other folks stories the grass is not always greener... I would not be without my wee angel though.

I just wish that there was that other person there to share this experience with on a daily basis, someone to make my dinner for me some nights, someone to hold her when I have been nursing her for hours and not being able to feed myself until midnight some days, someone to give me some affection and a cuddle some evenings, someone to just come through the door in the evening and tell me about their day.

I also worry about what will happen if she is ill - will I cope? When I am ill, will I be able to take care of her OK? I sometimes feel guilty too

I know it will get easier, and as someone has already said there a phases, so its not always going to be so intense.

I am a strong person and will get by though - I always have done..

PS Lou, funny you are in Amstedam - I live there for many years - very happy memories,

Hi me too. I have a DS 21 months.
Ex left when 3 months preg. Came back t 6 months pregnant left at 7 mnths pregnant.
He met DS aged 4 months and called his clothes 'gay' and me fat.
In April ex got in touch as CSA were threatening jail. He promised to pay for DS and apologised and asked if he could see him. A week later I said 'yes' That contact went well. Ex also informed me he had another son 12 months younger than my DS. Ex also has a ten year old he's never met.
Ex flipped tues over CSA and sent several death threats via text and phone. He was arrested that night and is on conditional bail until 1st July.
He is never seeing DS again now. It kills me that he is the father of my son. The mesages he sent were vile, telling me i'll never be safe etc...
I find being a single mum lonely and isolating.I love DS to bits he is my WORLD but finding life hard.

wow, so many heart renching stories from folk..

I did forget to mention that for the times I have looked at my daughter and cried... I have looked at her many more times and smiled from ear to ear .

How precious these little people are that we are nurturing and supporting ourselves, and how terribly, terribly sad that there are fathers out there that are just not fit for purpose and can behave in such manners towards their own offsping.