Any other total lone parents? No father involved at all etc??

[sleepylion]

Hi there,

I just posted a very long post, and thought I should add a second post to draw the attention of other mums who are completely going it alone.

I've come to realise there are several forms of single parenthood, but in this forum they're all jumbled up.

My daughters father has not been in the picture at all since I became pregnant, apart from a couple of disasterous attempts to involve him. But it's a no-go. He's a total alcoholic, pig-minded, rude and selfish idiot wit no place in his life for a child.

I know there are many mums on this forum who maintain some kind of relationship with their ex, or with the father of their child/children. So this means their child/ren have a father figure, in some shape or form. And that maybe as mums they have some kind of relief, either by sharing child care occasionally, or financial responsibility.

How many mums are there on mumsnet who go it totally alone in every respect? Could we please get together on here?

Thanks,

Lou

[RedHairedGirlie]

wow, so many heart renching stories from folk..

I did forget to mention that for the times I have looked at my daughter and cried... I have looked at her many more times and smiled from ear to ear .

How precious these little people are that we are nurturing and supporting ourselves, and how terribly, terribly sad that there are fathers out there that are just not fit for purpose and can behave in such manners towards their own offsping.

[kissyfurschaos]

Hi me too. I have a DS 21 months.
Ex left when 3 months preg. Came back t 6 months pregnant left at 7 mnths pregnant.
He met DS aged 4 months and called his clothes 'gay' and me fat.
In April ex got in touch as CSA were threatening jail. He promised to pay for DS and apologised and asked if he could see him. A week later I said 'yes' That contact went well. Ex also informed me he had another son 12 months younger than my DS. Ex also has a ten year old he's never met.
Ex flipped tues over CSA and sent several death threats via text and phone. He was arrested that night and is on conditional bail until 1st July.
He is never seeing DS again now. It kills me that he is the father of my son. The mesages he sent were vile, telling me i'll never be safe etc...
I find being a single mum lonely and isolating.I love DS to bits he is my WORLD but finding life hard.

[RedHairedGirlie]

Hey Lou,

Totally relate to all the feelings you have.. and its actually re-assuring to hear in a weird kind of way so I know I am not going mad wiht my own feelings.

I am a new single mum - my daughter is just 8 weeks old and this last week I have found the loneliness quite daunting and on top of that just feeling sad, angry, hurt by the situation with the ass of a father. My family don't live near, and I am now starting to struggle to find things to do on a daily basis so that I am at least in the company of others even if they are not directly in my company.

Basically a short relationship last year resulted in beautiful daughter . He returned to his ex, who low and behold fell pregnant just 2 months behind me... (I think he was having his cake and eating it!!) He wants nothing to do with our daughter, but just knowing that he is the father of another daughter that he can bother his arse with is quite hurtuful. what makes the situation seem so in my face all the time is that I have contact with his parents - they want to be part of her life, and I can't deny them that as they have not done anything wrong and they are very supportive - but it is just a constant reminder..

I am dismayed that his ex appeared to have deliberatly got pregnant (she is apparently obsessed wtih him and this appears to have been her attempt to keep him!). I am angry and hurt by all his bullshit and nastyness towards me i.e I apparently should have had a termination as per him finding himself in this situation previously!) - he initially seemed interested in his first born - but has now back tracked and does not want to know our daughter or meet her. I just sometimes feel sick at the whole situation and look at my lovely daughter and just cry... what will I tell her in the future - that daddy did not want to know you, but oh by the way you have a half sister that he did bother with. What will happen if she is still in contact with the grandparents and daddy is still not interested? I have asked him for nothing, financially or otherwise - all I asked was that he acknowledged her.

I find it difficult to talk to family and friends about how I am really feeling as I have always been a 'coper'... I had always imagined that motherhood would come with fatherhood - that was my ideal, although I know from reading other folks stories the grass is not always greener... I would not be without my wee angel though.

I just wish that there was that other person there to share this experience with on a daily basis, someone to make my dinner for me some nights, someone to hold her when I have been nursing her for hours and not being able to feed myself until midnight some days, someone to give me some affection and a cuddle some evenings, someone to just come through the door in the evening and tell me about their day.

I also worry about what will happen if she is ill - will I cope? When I am ill, will I be able to take care of her OK? I sometimes feel guilty too

I know it will get easier, and as someone has already said there a phases, so its not always going to be so intense.

I am a strong person and will get by though - I always have done..

PS Lou, funny you are in Amstedam - I live there for many years - very happy memories,

[Lemonylemon]

I'm alone with my 2 kids.

My son's dad died 5 years ago and my daughter's dad died nearly 2 years ago.

It's quite hard sometimes being the only parent making all the decisions.

My son is 12 and remembers his dad and does sometimes get upset and my daughter's Dad died while was was pregnant with her.

[mcduff2622]

Hey lou,

For the first 3 months of my pregnancy i was in it alone, the father did not want to know and told me to have abortion etc..then i met a new guy..and i thought everything had slotted into place and it was going to be great..unfortunately after the first month or so his true colours came out and he was aggressive, shouting, etc and then when my baby was 6 months old he hit me and I left so for the last two months have been doing it alone without any interest from my babys real father either..
i know what you mean about most single parents they do have the dad around in some way or another..and I feel lonely sometimes and like i dont really fit with the other mums especially the ones still with their partners its like they have done everything right and i have failed to create a family for my daughter, but all i can do is be best mum i can and hope she will not suffer as a consequence.
Anyway if you want to chat sometime feel free...
Mary xx

[lottiejenkins]

Im a totally single mum, my ds (deaf with learning difficulties and special needs) found his dad dead in bed two days before his fifth birthday, i thought he was coping ok (hes nearly 13 now) last Thursday morning i had to wake him up as we were going to be late going out(dont normally wake him up) He sat up in bed looked at me and burst out crying and said and signed that he wanted his daddy back as he had been dreaming about him! It nearly broke my heart)

[ziggy87]

Hi, looking for some advice really, I'm totally alone mother of 1, dad didn't want to know from me telling him i was pregnent, but son is now 9 and wants a dad and has asked who dad is. I,ve explained that his dad doesn't want to know but he gets upset and he says he wants a dad cause evryone else has one. Any one else had this situation, if so what did you say? thanx

[fleetwoodmac]

P.S. Talking of reaching out amongst friends, there's an organisation called SPTC.

This is Single Parents Travel Club.

Definitely worth joining. They arrange holidays and days out and you can be part of that.

[fleetwoodmac]

and, i agree, with susia, it gets easier in many ways.

[fleetwoodmac]

i have been totally alone from my son's conception.

i had a few one night stands (40th birthday, went a bit mad).

no idea who the father was, a bit of a nightmare at the time.

but i knew it was probably my only chance of a child. i knew he'd (i guessed rightly a boy) be beautiful and intelligent and sensitive, and he was - because all the men i slept with handsome and intelligent.

it has not been an easy ride, i would not recommend it, a loving father i believe is a real asset.

but this is what i decided.

i am a devoted mother (surprisingly).

i didn't have to deal with a difficult ex. but i did have to face the future alone, not particularly through my own choice.

its been (incredibly) hard, but a revelation.

[Jess32]

oh PS sorry this is not very constructive advice, just wanted to say how much what you said resonates!

[Jess32]

Hi Lou

I cannot post details of my situation here but I wanted to say, reading all your posts has made me cry so much. So much of what you speak of has struck a chord with me. Especially the part about the dynamics of the triangle..

Am in an almost parallel situation by the sounds of things, and very isolated, and very lonely. Have actually started to dread evenings. But you are not alone. If only we lived close by each other. There are absolutely no single parents around here.

Here's to a bright future for us and our little families. Never stop dreaming!

[susia]

Loulahoop,
The thing that helps me is realising that everything is just a phase. The first couple of years, then things gradually begin to open up and get easier again. small things like the fact that my son can now be left at parties and he goes to them almost every other weekend which gives me a couple of hours to myself...we enjoy the cinema and theatre together and can to restaurants together. He goes to sleepovers and that gives me a night off!

And things like this will just carry on and by the time he is thirteen or so I will be able to go out in the evenings. I know it is a very long way off for you and me but gradually you will have your freedom back.

In the meantime, there is little you can do but accept that you are lonely and recognise the difficult times of day. If you can get to know friends, some single, some not you may get a social circle who you can sometimes go out with, in time may have your child to stay, come round to yours for dinner etc.

I do things now with my son now that I couldn't have imagined a few years ago, such as there is a pub near me that has a big garden and regular bands playing in the evenings and we sometimes go and see them with a friend and her son. It means he has a late night but is great fun and I hope more things will open up in time.

I don't think many people understand your or my situation and have no idea what it is like but you need to keep yourself strong physically and mentally for your child. Don't get too down if you can help it, it will get better and you will have an unbreakable bond with your child.

[sleepylion]

Hi Pingu,

I know what you mean about the cycles of negative thoughts. Mine came in short bursts, but they are becoming more of an underlying state of mind since my daughter became about a year old, which is far more worrying. I think perhaps the reality of this being long term and the prospect of living with loneliness is so frightening. I too am usually a very positive and optimistic person, and a real surviver by nature. I guess that's why until now I never wanted to join a single mums group, as I didnt want to pigeon hole myself or my daughter, but to rather blend in naturally, without hang ups. But lately I just feel the isolation and the limitations I experience just cannot be understood by everyone else, and I get so tired of explaining such simple things when I feel it should be obvious! Having to point some things out to people sometimes makes me feel even more confronted by what is happening - I just long for friendships with an unspoken common understanding in that area. That would help me to ride out my problems. God I wish I felt a spring in my step to match this wonderful weather, and the bright spark of pure and beautiful joy in my daughters eyes. She is so amazing, and balanced and happy. I have no idea how, when most of the time I feel the haze of loneliness kills my chances of having creative moments with her.
How do you keep yourself moving with games and interaction when you're feeling down? Any tips?! :-)

[pinguthepenguin]

Really you know, I am not a negative person by nature, and hate the fact that these feelings are swamping me right now. I've found many aspects of single-parenting difficult, but I've never let it get to me for long. I tried (and still do, mostly) to focus on the positive aspects, such as how happy my little one seems to be, how I have a fulfilling career, and how I do actually get breaks away ( in fact, Lou, I was in Amsterdam over the Easter weekend, its a wonderful place).
On reflection, I seem to have short periods like this, where the burden of things overwhelm me and then I dust myself off and get on with it again. I think that I'll probably come out of this in a few days again. To be honest, while I think that a support/friendship network is what all of us would benefit from, I'm not sure that I would personally benefit from one that was exclusive on to lone parents. I prefer instead to just accept that this is the path that I am on right now and live my life as I would have before (within reason). Focusing on my problems wouldn't really help me tbh, I prefer to ride them out. We are all different I guess. Hope you're ok x

[sleepylion]

Hello everyone, I've just logged on for the first time in ages. Thanks for all your replies. It makes me want to reach out and be with you all, as I long to just share the company of those that understand, Not so much so that I can sit around and wallow in it, just because I feel the ground would be level and I wouldnt have to keep up any appearances at any given moment!

Pingu - your loneliness speaks volumes and susia your realities fit with my expectations.

The loneliness is I think the hardest. There are deep feelings of loss I think that underline our everyday existence. I just feel so incredibly frustrated most of the time that there is not a support group around for this kind of experience. I live in The Netherlands and I know of nothing here. And it's true - being within the 4 walls of a house every eveniing and not being able to pay a baysitter. I wonder if it will ever end. Added to it all I'm stuck in the benefit rut, with no savings, and I just want a way out and a bighter future for me and my beautiful girl. But how to get out and about, and meet people in a relaxed state? I haven't been out of this house in over a year after 7 p.m. I feel like I'm so tired of my own company, and have wasted so much time on an empty yet thrilling sexual relationship with a man that adores my daughter but he is a criminal no-hoper, and the attraction has been so addictive and has filled so many voids in my life and saved me from so many hours of loneliness that every time I tried to give it up I failed. I want to do it to protect my daughter. I just feel sometimes it's all an ever decreasing circle and I wonder where I have gone to. I want to break free. But most of all I want to share my daughter with someone. I feel not enough for her and uninspired so much of the time. Even just being a fun person for her to be with is hard. I run out of ideas to play because I'm not motivated unless I share times with her and someone else. It's like that feeds my creativity. Can anyone relate to that?
When I feel like there is noone to share her company with, and I know tomorrow will be the same, and the next day, then I just lind of dry up, and find myself staring into space. It's awful. I come alive when I share. That's it. I can't get away from it. I feel so much despair right now....and eating all the wrong foods to feel better just makes me feel worse.

Susia I know what you mean about illness. I was in hospital in November with gall bladder attacks and it was the worst expereince ever not being able to take care of my daughter. A friend that helped me out by looking after her later turned on me calling me a victim and said I had done the wrong thing by my child. Jesus! This has given me such a low opinion of what I will encounter in the future as far as basic human understanding goes - she has a partner and a child, she has no bloody idea. We are no longer friends.

I could go on and on. Im off for a shower. PLease, keep on telling your stories. It's sad we all have to go through this, but at least we have each other, in some kind of remote way!

Lou :-(

[SOLOisMeredithGrey]

Pingu, it's awful that you feel like this and I certainly understand those feelings.
I'm no expert at all, but it does sound like you could do with a few counselling sessions. I can't stay on here now, but will probably be back later on tonight. kind

[pinguthepenguin]

Hi Loulahoop

Your thread struck a chord with me. Our situations are different in that my 22month old DD's father is involved, but I do still find the daily slog just that - a slog. I find it very hard to see the 'joy' of parenthood that everyone raves about and wonder when this joy will ever bestow itself upon me. All I seem to focus on is how hard and isolating I find it. I simply do not know how I would cope if I had to do it without help from her father, so I take my hat off to those of you who do.
I have friends, but they rarely come near me from monday to friday- its almost like they see the way I slog it out from monday-sat and just dont want to get involved, preferring instead to give me a call when DD goes to her dad. I also have a boyf, but tbh, we lead very separate lives when it comes to DD.
I find the isolation truly crippling, despite being a usually cheerful and outgoing person. I have some weekends off, so I know I am way luckier than most, but going to my empty house at the end of every day and realsing that I can't even go and get a pint of milk if I need to feels like total, all consuming incarceration.
As I write this I realise how negative it sounds, and I truly wish I could see things differently.
I have quite a demading full-time job, and I'm actually about to take on a promotion, which is scaring the hell out of me as there are some days when I can barely cope now.

All I ever seem to do is regret, regret, regret, which of course, compounds my guilt.

Sorry, I've probably made you feel worse.

[cheltenhamgal]

hi I am so glad I logged on this morning, I have had such a stressfull morning with my dd and now feel that I am not alone. I was with my exP for two years when I fell pregnant with dd, she was nearly 3 when he walked out. ExP was a violent alcoholic who has no interest in either of his four children(3 by 2 other mothers)so over the past 6 and a half years I have had no support whatsover emotionally or financially.
I have to be good cop and bad cop although it mostly feels like bad cop xxx

[SOLOisMeredithGrey]

I have with Ds, but unfortunately, Dd's father wants in. I'd find it far easier if he buggered off entirely.

[susia]

Hi, I am a single parent and my son has never seen his father. We split up when I was pregnant and I haven't been able to contact him since.

My son is now 5. I have been able to get myself together from nearly having a breakdown when I was pregnant. I moved to be near my parents and have made a new life for myself in the town where I grew up. I was in the very fortunate position of having had previously a very well paid job which meant I had paid off my mortgage on my flat so I was able to buy a house without a mortgage which meant I was able to go back to work part time. If it hadn't been for that I don't know how I would have coped.

5 years on, I have a nice house, a much lower paid but flexible, part time job for a local authority and have friends and a reasonable life.

However, life is lonely, my son would love a dad and having any kind of social life (even taking any exercise) is very difficult. I go on very few dates as having a babysitter is very expensive, I am at risk of redundancy at the moment and very worried as my job is ideal for our situation. I spend almost every evening on my own and although I have friends what I long for is a social life, being able to see friends in the evenings, go for a drink, meet men and maybe meet someone.

Financially it is hard. Although I am better off that some, my money doesn't go far and I can't afford things like holidays.

I am very aware that I am alone, times like when I am ill is very, very hard. Last year I had pneumonia and it was absolutely awful. Having even a rubbish ex would be better than nothing.

But there are positives, I have a wonderful, close relationship with my son. I have some kind friends and I also know that these are the hard years and that even now things are easier than they were a few years ago. In a few years time, I will be able to work longer hours and earn more, will be able to go out more, life will get easier...

[geordie83]

Hi - I'm currently pregnant and the dad was a one night stand who I didn't see again afterwards. I am sometimes really scared about being alone but other times I think I will be fine and might be better off than some people who have dodgy exs in the picture.

[sleepylion]

thanks everyone. This is turning out to be a very worthwhile thread I feel. It shows how many of us totally lone parents are out there, and whats interesting is that there is a range of diversity as to the reasons for this. Yet we all face exactly the same obstacles, both paractical and emotional.

Here in Amsterdam I just started up my own online network for single mums. I hope I see it growing thick and fast. After a year of being a lone parent, I now suddenly feel very isolated and alone, when I try to mix with mums who have partners. Theres a large element I just feel they cannot, or don't know how, to relate to. And I feel excluded in a lot of things, like for example when they swap numbers so they can take it in turns to babysit in the evenings. It's awkward. Because I know I cant return the favour - if I was to babysit for them Id have to bring my daughter along with me!

The realities of how very little respite there is are really setting in. I guess somehow I hoped that by having a positive mental attitude, things would just naturally evolve and open up, and that after a while I would feel on an even ground with all the other families. But it has gone the other way. I feel left by the wayside. In a group of mums, I feel like a spare part. Suddenly I also see my child seems to have some behavioural problems, and she is just far more eratic, impulsive, and harsh with the other ones of her one year agegroup, and won't let me talk. I worry so deeply about the fact that she never saw anyone giving me affection. So she's not able to learn by example. And so when I try to show her things like being gentle, she has zero time for it, only furstration. Im so scared of the impact of her not sharing itamacy with anoyone else but me. If we are in the company of a man, she laps up the attention and comes to life, seemingly happier than ever. It makes me feel so sad, as I draw the conclusion its exactly what she's missing. And there is also a much more exciting dynamic going on when there is a triangle, as opposed to just the two of us. My personality comes alive too, and she senses it and likes it. To be honest, a lot of the time I feel my personality is flat when Im with her. Because theres never anyone to break up that one-on-one communication. And noone for me to spark off, in terms of ideas, humor etc. God. There is so much I feel is missing. And it makes me want to weep uncontrollably. But I'm holding it all in.

I feel the need to bond with other single parents, if only so that I don;t feel like Im insane to have these thoughts! Is there anyone out there that can relate to any of what I've said? Feedback on any kind would fill a void of understanding.

Thanks,

Lou

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Yep totally alone. Ds's dad - my husband of five years - disappeared abroad to shag whores 8 months ago. No family of my own anywhere near to help at all, and h's family have disappeared up their own righteous arses.

After the black hole of the first few months I am back on my feet-ish and loving just being alive. Because it very nearly killed me.

Money (not nearly enough of it) and time (nobody to give me a break though ds does go to CM while I clean for a living) are my main concerns - after first and foremost, either myself or Ds being ill.

I am bloody ancient too. But god and I happy the weirdo (as he turned out to be) is gone. If he ever turns up he will have access to his son Over My Dead Body. Don't care what any court in the land says.

But yes, also dreading how to explain it all to ds when he asks.

[onlywantsone]

My DD's biological father doesnt have any thing to do with her at the moment, hasnt for 7 months and its glorious. (Just dreading the day I get served court papers)