A year of going it alone. And now I'm breaking...

[sleepylion]

Dear mums,

I've been wanting to write for a while, but resisting the urge I guess I've been wanting to continue like a battleship and didn't want to admit and sort of defeat to myself.

About me: I'm a lone parent, living abroad, without my family. But a huge network after 10 years of being here. A 10 year break up led me to a bad attraction, and at 36 and pregnant I decided to go for it, knowing the father would want no part of it. I've given him a few chances to become a part of my daughters life, but he's an alcoholic, and I've now decided the chances are over, as he's only behaved like a pig up till now.

I feel I've surprised myself on every level as a woman, and as a person. I had a wonderful pregnancy and a beautiful water birth. My daughter has been an angel child, sleeping through the night, and with a lovely temprement. Long term health problems meant that I chose to stay on benefits and put all my focus on being a parent. I haven't done a single thing for myself in a year. Not been out alone, day or night. Been within these walls, and putting everything I have into it. My daughter turned one yesterday! It was an amazing occasion, and many people came to celebrate.

Now to the core of my post. I feel desperate. I feel detached and alone on my daily battles. I pushed them beneath the surface for a year, and now I feel them coming up. I even broke a friendship with someone who has been playing some kind of cat and mouse game with me. Whenever I have made reference to some of the difficulties I face, she has continously tried to debate it out, telling me that her life as a mother is exactly the same as mine, despite the fact she has a wonderfully loving partner and a 2nd baby on the way! Then the other day I decided to calmly stand up to her about it, and she lost her cool and became angry and aggressive. She's just so dominant and always wants the last word. And It was like she just didn't want to accept the fact that there is a difference between us, and wanted to see herself on the same level as me, at whatever the cost. In the end, it just made me sick to my stomach. I never wanted sympathy, but I never wanted that kind of hang up in my face either! So besides her plain ignorance, she also went on to tell me I was playing the victim! When all I did was make reference to some of the obstacles I face within our conversation! I'm glad to see the back of her. When I ended up in hospital in October for an unforeseen attack of symptoms that were brought on by stress, I had no choice but to pass my daughter to her, as I couldn't even pick her up and hold her and didn't want her to be distressed. She willingky offerend to help, and took her to her house for 2 days. She has now thrown it all in my face, telling me that back then I didn't have the best interests of my daughter at heart! I ONLY had her intesrests at heart! It killed me to have to part with her. But I was burnt out, and there was no choice.

This incident has given me a very poor picture of what I may be up against over the years, in terms of human understanding, and I wonder if anyone else has been confronted by this low level of behaviour and how you dealt with it. I'd also like to hear some positive stories too, about fitting in comforably into a community of mothers, without feeling like a leper, nor like a sympathy trick. Just to be seen for what you are. That you are different in some very significant wats. You do face extra challenges, but that you are doing your best to make it through, and you just want to mingle in but are happy for people to offer some help from time to time!!

Another thing I'm finding so hard to deal with, is that in the last few weeks, my one year old has become impossible to cope with. Shes gone from angel, to having tantrums. She refuses to let me clean her face after eating and has a fit, she kicks me when I try to change her nappy. It's turning into a physical battle. And the constant moaning and whining all the time. Sometimes it seems to go on for hours. I know what she really wants is for me to sit and play with her more, but then I would find it impossible to get everything else done. I find it struggle just getting housework and shopping done. let alone all the other things that I would otherwise pass to a man for help with.

I just need to hear some words from some other wise mums out there please! Something that may shed some positive light onto all this. I can't believe after a year of holding my head up high, I suddenly feel it all crashing down around me, and wonder how I will make it through. And I'm suddenly not smiling inside anymore. Even though my daughter starts the creche on monday for 2 days a weeek. I got a subsidy because of my health troubles. So at least I'll get a break to get my strenght back. But I still have all these fears. And I don't want to start only hanging out with simgle mothers. I just want to remain a part of the big picture. But it fee;s like the easy part is over and the hard part is about to begin. I'm losing my cool with my daughter. And I never want to end up smacking her. So I'm scared of what will happen.

I know this was a long message. I hope someone has the time to repsond to at least some of it;s content! Thank you x

I had to reply. You are doing a great job - being a single parent isnt easy.

Your friend is unreasonable and insensitive. I hear it a lot - I feel like a lone parent cos my oh works late etc etc. It is so different when you know you only have yourself to rely on - noone to take over on a bad day, all the decisions being made yourself. But perhaps she is suggesting that you look like your doing such a good job, that her problems seem on the outside to be the same as yours? iyswim?

But if she throws looking after your dd while you are ill back at you, you dont need a friend like that. Can you stay away from her?

As for your dd's behaviour - it will pass, it is a phase. At about a year, they go through separation anxiety, which maybe why she wants so much of your attention. It is normal, if hard - I just tried to get on as best I could at this stage, taking her out so I could get out.

Which brings me onto - you sound like a very committed mum, but really you need some you time too. Can you get a babysitter at all (a good friend? I know you dont have relatives nearby) so you can get out even if its just once per month? Or take your baby to your friends so you can relax together in the evenings? I would go spare if I never got away!

I must say I am a single mum, but dont feel any different to many other mums. In fact, most other mums are very supportive and understanding of my situation. I also try to get out, and not let motherhood define my iyswim.
hang on in there, you are doing fantastically!

Oh thank you so much offerdilemma! It has been a relief to share what happened and to hear some rational and sensitive thoughts from you about it.

I must indeed try to get away at least once a month. I have lots of contacts here, but noone that I feel I can approach as a babysitter. I need to work on it. And noone offered. I also tend to suffer from the guilt of feeling like a burden, which doesnt help! So it was even harder when this so called friend threw it back at me.

I'm new to mumsnet and the abbreviations. What does iyswim mean? Duh. Maybe silly q?!

Thanks again x

sorry you are going through this

where abouts do you live?

glad to be of some help

iyswim - if you see what I mean. I spend too much time online.

As someone said to me happy mum = happy child. I KNOW you feel like a burden asking for babysitters - I do too, even my fabulous friends / parents offer to do it! Perhaps you have a friend that you could swap babysitting with - so you go out one night with other friends, and you babysit for her another time?
Or if you cant get a sitter, what about entertaining at home?

HI again, ah thanks for clearing that up offerdilemma. Yes - the babysitting swap thing. Had wondered about it as an evening thing. Just not sure how that would work, unless we both had 2 beds for the little ones?? And I guess it would only work with another single mum. I think it would be a bit of a trauma for my little girl to go and stay the night over somewhere else, unless she was relly familiar with that home and that person. So these things take time to establish. I just hope in the future that a friendship like that will be in place. But I know it cant be rushed. I know some really lovely mums, and daytime swapping is about to start. And I'm also friends with another lovely single mum locally. But its still early days for her as her little one is only 7 months.

I do entertain at home sometimes. Just think Id better venture out soon, before I mistake myself for being part of the furniture! It's been over a year....

Cheeky sea lion : I live in The Netherlands. How about you?

It neednt just be with another single mum. I swap with my best mate and her dp and 3 kids. I leave ds there in a travel cot (we have stayed over wuite a bit in the past so he is happy there) and go out, or I put ds down there and they go out

Hi there,
You seem to have a good network of people you can maybe leave dd with for just a few hours to give you a little respite. Its not easy going it alone, I too have been a lone parent for a year now and the struggle goes on. But things are getting easier for me now and they will for you. You just need to have a few hours to yourself, the guilt thing is natural. I don't feel guilty anymore because my 2 ds are 9 and 4 now and I hardly go out and when I do they are with someone I trust
Maybe start off with a few hours, then over time progress to overnight.
Your dd is being a typical 1 year old child, the tantrums and not allowing you to do anything for her(clean her face e.t.c.) is completely normal you know. It will pass and also change into something different as she gets older.

Think you've coped really well and you should pat yourself on the back. with regards to your friend, bin her! She only makes you feel negative and you don't need that in your life. It sounds like you know a few people so build on your friendship with them. Why not arrange to meet up somewhere with kids or invite a couple of people for coffee over to your house so their DCs can chat to yours and so on? I think your ready to go out and statr enjoying yourself. Is there a health club or something you could enrol in where they provide a creche as well? I'm sure your DD is just going through a typical tantrum phase, remain firm with her and it will pass.

thanks Holly. Appreciate the support. Im definately staying away from that friend. She has a wierd idea of friendship i realised. When I approached her about it in an email, she said she stands by her statements fully! And insists that she has the best intentions because she knows me better than I know myself, and thinks that I have gifts and skills that she can see but I can't. And that's why she described me as coming across like a victim! God! Makes me even more sick to my stomach. So patronising. I know what I'm made of! But for the past year I've been making the conscious decision to dedicate myself to my daughter, and the rest comes later when Ive laid the foundation for her.
Anyway. Who needs that kind of controlling and posessive behaviour from anyone? It's not even like I knew her my whole life! Only spent time with her for the past year. Then she thinks she has the right to lash at me with her harsh conclusions. You're right. There are some lovely people coming into my path right now, and they're people who respect the lines of friendship and also don't think it their right to stand in judgement. and I'm building on that. Great advice. Will plan some little tea parties next week! My daughter just had her first party on saturday, and it was a lovely turn out. Great relaxed vibes. Very harmonious. So I feel a lot more positive with that to build on.
I will definately start to try and go out once in a while from now on. Got a creche sorted for 2 days. Just nothing sorted for evenings. But I'm sure that will follow soon.
Sorry if I ranted and raved! God! Trying to shake her loose from my system is like trying to get some kind of parasite out of my tubes!

Loulaloop, imo the only people that should be allowed to judge you are long term friends, that really understand your background and family.
She reminds of this girl I was once knew, it as years ago when I was in my mid 20s, my DD was just a baby and I was still learning to drive. I was just one of those people that took longer then others to pass my test, anyway this so called friend and I used to meet up occasionally and she could drive and took great pleasure that she could and I couldn't. It was just everytime I saw her she seemed to revel in this fact and used it as a source to undermine me about anything else, I felt really uncomfortable being around her so started cutting her off, and then she used to leave me messages saying "Huh well you haven't bothered contacting me so thought I'd contact you" (using a really put out tone!), anyway I continued to ignore her and she got the message. I just felt I was bring constantly judged by someone who didn't know me well enough, and she was sooo negative, I don't need people like that in my life and neither do you. Anyway I hope you continue to feel positive and build on these other relationships, just remember its all about what you want!

Thanks Holly. And for sharing your story. There are so many negative people like that around. Trying to either pull you down, or use some other low point in your life to make thenselves feel bigger! I just have no time for that crap.
Its even worse when someone gives the appearance of being a really positive person. Because then it comes over as being even more manipulative. This friend and I met a few years ago in a teacher and student capacity because I used to go to her pilates classes. We only hooked up again when we both found we were pregnant at the same time. And continued to see each other since. In that time I shared a huge load with her about my life and personal events. I become pretty open in frienships, as I prefer to just be myself, but I'm also aware of the risks that come with that. This lady is totally full of yogic dilpomacy....but in the end shes just like a buddhist snake in the grass! It all ends up as worthless I feel. Because she's full of aggression and seriously harsh judgements. And also just wants to bulldoze you with her opinions and statements, all sweet and calm, but can't bear it if you dare to speak back to her with some viewpoint in return, and flares up in anger. I still can;t believe after what I went through ending up in hospital that she would even dare to tell me I didnt have the best interests of my daughter at heart by handing her over to my friends! Only a few months ago she admitted to me she was selfish and needed to send her boy to the creche as she could't bear to be with him all week and just wanted her life back. I never judged her for being human. Why would I? but then it's ok for her to throw that statement at me? And I'm the one who's been with my daughter 24/7 since she was born, because I thought that I was doing the best thing for her!
You're right about the judgement position. If it was my best friend - who has stuck by me through thick and thin for 11 years, it would be a very different story. We all go through so many changes in our lives, and not many people can measure our progress, failiures and triumphs like we can. Things are just not as simple as they seem. And if there's one thing I cant stand its people being presumptuous. But to take the conceited view that you know someone better than they do themself. God!
Seems to be that some people just carry huge chips on their shoulder, and use others as scapegoats to pass them on to.
Well done for getting your test! I only got mine 2 years ago at the age of 36! Hee hee .
Hope it's ok by you that I let off steam like this! It's kind of therapeutic! Also that we stand on neutral ground, but both being mums in common. How old are your little ones? And are you supported as a lone parent?

Loula, you rant and rave all you like, this threads yours! My DD is 11 and my DS is 5, I left my H last year although quite frankly the marriage had broken down years ago, but I always used to think, oh its ok in 6 mths time things will get better there bound to! How wrong I was! anyway I've got my family close by and they have been so supportive so I'm very lucky and discovering MN over Christmas has really helped because I've read of so many people that have had similar experiences. Anyway this woman you speak of sounds awful and your right about how such people have their own hangups and feed that negative energy through others, she thought that because you're on your own this meant you were dependable on her and she could use and abuse you! Well she probably realises now she can't and can't handle that fact!

wow that must have been a hard thing coming out of a marriage like that. Lots of growing as a person I'm sure, as it sounds like you needed to be really honest with yourself about things. It will all pay off in the future Holly. Good on you for making it through, and great that you have your family to help.
You are so completely and utterly spot on about that woman! I can't believe I spent so much energy having contact with her all this time! There were many alarm bells along the way, but I was always looking to see the best in her. Now that it's happened, people who know her or have met her, have also drawn the same conclusion as you. They also think she has been on some kind of power trip. And I think shes just a total control freak! It's pure domination too. Shes allowed to make her radical statements, and everyone else better just shut up and listen! As well as that, she's totally pretentious, hiding behind some ' spiritual calm' exterior. That just makes it worse. When it's clear that inside she has a major identity crisis going on. And carrying loads of loose cannons around waiting to fire off in some unassuming persons direction! Sod that for a game of soldiers! Ha ha.
Ok rant over. I had a great day today. Hanging out with a nice chilled out mum and her daughter. And I've also reshuffled my priorites around as a mum myself, and realised that whats needed is some quality play time between me and my little one. Refreshing to come to that conclusion. As the past few weeks I've been feeling like she's trying to drag me down with being demaniding and defiant. Which is crazy and makes no sense. Shes only 12 months old!! It was just a cry for help all along. I was too caught up in chaos, when all she wanted was some time out with me, some loving focus, and some help getting her through an important developmental stage. So from now on it's sod the housework! This time belongs to me and my little girl. It will be over soon enough! And it's a crucial chunk out of her life.
Wow. Motherhod. What a learning curve it all is! Phew!

I'm abroad too, which is great cos in the UK I wouldn't be able to work. I work full time out here and can save some cash. But it can be tricky sometimes.

Your 'friend' sounds like an idiot - with a lot of probs.

I know what you mean about getting out and about. I haven;t been out on my own for ... I can't even remember!!! How sad! Thank God for the internet and DVD's x