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Original poster

Choosing a next of kin.

13 replies

winnie09 · 14/02/2009 11:31

Both of my parents died. I am divorced. I have two children. A teenager (with issues who needs lots of support herself)and an 8 year old. I do have a sibling but we are not close. For a while ex husband and I remained next of kin & carried cards to inform anyone who needs to know but I have recently had a mirror up to my face moment and realised that I am not moving on & our relationship is confusing for us and ds & dd because of our 'friendship'. Therefore ties have been cut and boundaries and rules put in place. I feel happier and more in control but what do I do about my next of kin. My network of support is a work in progress and I do have friends but they have there own lives and stuff to deal with. As my parents were separated I had the responsibility of being next of kin for them both and in my thirties it was a big responsibility (hence I don't want dd to be my next of kin). If you are in a similar situation what do you do?

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 14/02/2009 11:34

Hello Winnie how are you these days? I am presuming perhaps wrongly that you are same winnie.

I have a very close friend (beetroot) who is a testamentary guardian for my kids and my sister is my next of kin. If it wasnt her would ask Beetroot.

Original poster
winnie09 · 14/02/2009 11:51

Hi glitterfairy, it is me. I think I am going to have to discuss it with a friend very soon as I am very aware that anything can happen at any time. Sorry for being dim but what is a 'testamentary guardian'?

OP posts:
ninah · 14/02/2009 11:58

I have my sisters, we weren't all that close at that point but have become so

cashmeremafia · 14/02/2009 15:54

I understand why you have set up boundaries re your ex but next of kin is so vital surely you guys could set it back up and just keep the other new rules, etc in place. If worst came to worst I don't think you'd give a toss if your ex is next of kin. Do it for your dc's sake.

glitterfairy · 14/02/2009 17:49

HI Winnie. Testamentary guardian is that if something happens to me Beety is in my opinion the person the kids should go to and I have left her as much as possible in my place.

It is of course no wonder that she wants me to get fit and stay healthy until the kids are 16.

Original poster
winnie09 · 15/02/2009 12:55

Thanks ninah for sharing your arrangement.

Cashmeremafia, it would be good if we could do this. I know he wants me to remain his next of kin but there are trust issues and frankly if I can't trust him anymore to respect me and my wishes whilst I am here I don't think I can trust him when I am not.

Glitterfairy, thanks for explaining. I've just had a deja vu moment and think if I ssearched on MN I might have asked this qquestion before and I might have asked you the very same question

OP posts:
notevenamousie · 16/02/2009 19:04

My mother is terminally ill, though is "officially" my next of kin. Other than her, I fortunately have a wonderful maternal aunt, who to all intents and purposes is my nok. I am also fortunate enough to have an ex who would be capable of bringing up dd if something happened to me. I was my mother's nok from before I was 16 - rare but possible in the 90s, and I have power of attorney now, in my 20s, for her, as she is unwell. I feel glad to have the responsibility though.

Sorry for a long answer to a short question!

Original poster
winnie09 · 16/02/2009 21:00

notevenamousie, I am sorry that your Mum is so ill. Thanks for taking the time to respond to my question. To be honest I was glad to have the responsibility of being my parents NOK. It felt like a privilege(Iykwim). Dd has too many issues herself to deal with that responsibility at the moment though.

Ex husband would have ds if something happened to me that has always been the case and I have no issue with that. What has changed is I wouldn't want him being the one making decisions about me if I no longer could and I wouldn't want him dealing with all that needs to be done after my death. I do need to put this at the top of my priority list and do something about it.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 20/02/2009 08:30

Ask a friend then Winnie.

Original poster
winnie09 · 20/02/2009 20:13

Bizarrely, xh brought this up this week and has asked me to reconsider (he wants to be my next of kin) and he wants me to remain his NOK. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that he hasn't respected me in our relationship why would he respect me in serious illness or death/and he couldn't commit to our life together why should I be dealing with his in serious illness or death. I sound really harsh but it's my gut response. He has asked me to think about it.
Glitterfairy, I've spoken (briefly) to my oldest friend & we are going to have a discssion about it

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 21/02/2009 08:59

I dont think remaining his next of kin is a problem winnie because of course you would make the right choices unless you really object to making any choices about him. As for his status I think he has lost that right and you should do what you want.

Original poster
winnie09 · 21/02/2009 10:06

Glitterfairy, you are so sensible. I am still quite raw after the trying again for the millionth time & failing [yawn emoticon] so not entirely rational yet. (Although I do feel as if I've had a mirror put up in front of my face and I am finally emerging from the fog of our epically bad relationship radiant and positive and knowing that I've done the right thing. Finally.) You are right I would make the right choices but I don't know that I want to. I am feeling usurped by his friends (whom I don't know & have never been intoduced to) so I have mixed feelings about it. It would probably be easier for ds if it is me who is Dads NOK - god forbid anything should happen to xh in the near future. I think I am going to continue down the route of asking best friend to be my NOK but think a bit more about remaining his NOK. He doesn't appear to have anyone who is an obvious choice to be his NOK.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 21/02/2009 12:27

LOL I dont feel that sensible Winnie!

IN the end if he puts you down as his next of kin on admission that is what you will be and you may not get the choice. He may of course listen to you and that would also be a good thing but if you are not his next of kin it is not only crucial decisions which may be taken out of your hands. Sometimes only those closest are allowed to see someone and sometimes the next of kin chooses who those people are. Then if someone dies it is the next of kin who make all the decisions about funerals and arrangements etc.

As for you choose someone you trust and make sure they know your ideas about things like organ donation and arrangements for funerals cremation/burial etc.

It sounds really gruesome but since you never know what will happen it makes things so much easier for all concerned if things are clear and your decisions have already been made. It is also easier on your dcs.

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