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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

when do you stop giving a shite & seeking their approval?

15 replies

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 13/02/2009 12:26

basically in a nut shell. Had another fight with XH last night (twat features as I'm now calling him!)

bit of back story he has yet again missed another weekend with DS (was snowed in apparently - funny how a friend managed to get tot he place on a train & also be driven 20 miles to/fro the station isn't it - the same day he was due here! anyhow he also said would ring and didn't instead preferring to go drinking with his mates - so we're going to be 4 weeks without DS seeing/speaking to him b4 we have contact again.

anyhow last night we had a mega row again. upon which I was told he wasn't prepared to 'blow smoke up my arse' (this was cos I said it would be nice for him to actually realise he's got an amazing little boy, and that i've done a good job with him - I have yes but it's nice for his dad to actually appreciate it all)

He makes out he's a fantastic dad who always put his soon first- which quite frankly is crap - then he has a right go at me when I tell him it's crap and tell him some home truths - I know for him it's all about power & control. (he was the same with me during our marriage - I see him for what he is a controlling manipulative abusive bully)

He now knows the only way he can wind me up is thru DS - i'm not prepared to have DS used as a pawn and will protect him from it all, as I have done so far - I never bitch about XH infront of DS, and only ever say good things about his dad to him etc, but why the hell should I?? why should I keep saying to DS that his dad's brilliant and his dads working etc which is why he can't see him??

so when will I stop caring where DS is concerned. as I say this is the only way XH can get to me now. poor DP is beside himself as he hates seeing me so upset over it all.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 13/02/2009 12:28

oh and also we only hear from him when it suits him.

last night's message ended with him saying...

'i'm not talking about it now you know what i'm like when I'm drinking. simple as that.'

(along with other stuff which was worse) - why is he alwasy threatening - why won't he admit it that he knows he's a shite dad, why does he always turn it back on me, and put his guilt trips on me?

OP posts:

Original poster

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 13/02/2009 13:13

just me then

OP posts:

Original poster

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 13/02/2009 13:13

just me then

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 13/02/2009 13:24

why?

beacuse you let him.
you allow him to have conversations with you

you allow him to have arguments with you.

because you dont put the phone down and say "I do not wish to talk further, bye"

in the end, your ds will grow up knowing who he can and cannot trust.
he will know it was dad who let him down not you.

you do not have to take responsibility for him seeing /not seeing your son. it is his responibility.

and (as i have learned from therapists/counsellors/good freinds/solicitors) do NOT talk to ex about anything other than arrangements for contact.

resist the urge to engage in any kind of argument or conversation, you are bad, you are good, i am better/worse than you...

he is drawing you in and still controlling you - achieving his goal which is to wind you up.

do not fall for it. say nothing to him.
arrange contacts by text or email.
if he says he cannot come because of snow say ok fine (after all you get more time with your son)

he is your ex - what do you care if he is a tw$t other than for your son's sake --

but to go back again, you are not responsible for that relationship dad/son other than to make available your child on the agreed contact times.

your son will understand as he grows older and make his decision - but you need to show integrity and grit your teeth - and say nothing. hard as it is...

he is feeding off your anger and arguments. dont let him! do not engage with him.

it takes a while to realise you can do this - but think of your closing line - and use it - i find the line "I do not wish to continue this conversation, good bye" and put the phone down - works ok .

and if he calls back do not answer!!

cestlavielife · 13/02/2009 13:28

p.s. i ahve managed to cut down my phone contact - but my ex has had argumentative conversations with other people eg my aunt in which she has told himn home truths and he has done his poor me....then he writes her a note saying "it was nice talking to you the other day"

believe me - they recall these conversations comepletely differnetly!

the more you engage and get drawn in the better they feel, they feel connected in some way.

Leslaki · 13/02/2009 17:58

Spandex - I was in the same situation as you. He constantly wound me up and ground me down. I am now in the same place as c'estlavie and it does make a difference. My x is constantly trying to use my dc as pawns but DS (7 nxt week ) has sussed it all out himself and is OK now. They ahve their security and soon work out that dad can' be trusted. My dc still oove him - he is their dad but they are well aware from their own deductions that they can't trust him. They know who they can trust and seem secure with that.

moosh · 13/02/2009 18:29

Don't give him much air time at all on the phone. My big brother advised me once that most ex's can never be amicable. What I do is make the conversation short and sweet, if he can't see the kids, I don't blow my top, I keep calm say ok and have them with me.
He asks ds1 (9yrsold) all kinds of questions about me and ds has now sussed it out and gets quite annoyed with exp.

All you need to do is to continue top bring up ds in the way you know is right and if exh doesn't want to know at times, it will backfire on him. Believe me...it will...it did to my own dad.

Fubsy · 14/02/2009 17:48

This sounds like me.

Im going through a bad patch atm with depression, made worse by the fact that I was going to put the house on the market last year, but couldnt make my mind up what to do. X is now trying to make legal some things that he told me he would be due if I sold the house, but he couldnt be bothered to sort out properly when we first seperated, prefering to spend his money on a new kitchen for his house, rather than a solicitor.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I dont have any respect left for him I dont even like him, but if he doesnt bawl me out over something, I feel as if everythings ok, and the rest of the time Im a nervous wreck waiting for something to happen.

He seems to think i am here for him to offload on to - he is always telling me about his health problems, his girlfriends health problems, his problems at work etc.

I just want to tell him to fuck off, tell someone else, dont add to my worries! But if I say this even politely, he gets angry.

And he upsets DD, asks her why Im doing things, why I want to sell the house, why dont I look after the garden in the way he wanted it, etc.

God, it makes my blood boil. He has it all - girlfriend, own place, plenty of time for a good social life - and my life just seems to revolve around DD and work.

Sorry, Ive hijacked this thread a bit, but Spandex, you are most definitely not alone.

glitterfairy · 14/02/2009 17:54

You will never stop caring but what you will learn to do is stop letting him get to you through DS.

I cant tell you how that happens it just does. If he chooses not to see him just go with it. Dont make a big thing of the days he is coming over either as then if doesnt turn up it wont matter.

I never really cared what my X thought of me after he left and his behaviour to my kids was also to get at me but once he realised it didnt and I would stop him short he stopped being quite so awful. Having said that 3 and a half years down the line I still get wound up by emails talking about one the kids and their bad behaviour but I guess that is my problem for having been stupid enough to marry a twat.

Ivykaty44 · 14/02/2009 18:22

Dont ever talk about your ex with your son - full stop, not bad or good

Dont let yourself get into a conversation with dh, limit any contact ot be purely about dc and if it deviates from that stop conversation dead

If you really want to only comunicate by email, stick to fact about dc and end it there - if he wants to send silly emaisl then let him - do not under any circumstances rise to the bait and reply - other than the simple facts about dc.

He will eventually get the message - it may take a year or two as thy try and try but stick to the plan and it will end.

glitterfairy · 14/02/2009 20:29

I agree with most of this except for dont ever talk to your ds about his dad. He may want to and I dont like to stop any avenue of discussion between me and the kids.

Ivykaty44 · 14/02/2009 21:30

glitterfairy that is fne if the dc want to talk about their father, but you dont have to make any comment either negative or positive in return, a good listener will listen and not put their own spin on it. So dc can talk but you must listen only. That way it gives the children a very unbaised reaction to their dad.

Cos if you are always positive and never negative that is in itself baised.

but they know they can come and say anything they like and not get told that is right or wrong, if you only ever listen and let them talk things through.

Debra1981 · 15/02/2009 16:24

I have this too. I only ever speak to xh about dd(2), and never talk about him in front of her if I can help it. This weekend however, as happens from time to time, xh for some reason decided that I'd made some new arrangement about the contact, and was about to back out of the actual arrangement, at which point I momentarily lost my cool. He spent the next 15 minutes on my doorstep trying to draw me further in, to no avail. I'm still working on eliminating that initial wind-up! Also, even if I do keep my cool when he tries it, I always feel upset and shaky for quite a while after. Hopefully this will go eventually too.

glitterfairy · 20/02/2009 08:28

ivykaty I think it absolutely fair enough to say it is wrong to hit you or chuck you out of his house and say he is sick of you or force you into relationships you dont want.

My kids ask for my opinions and we have a fair exchange of ideas they would think it really nasty of me not to make some comments on his appalling behaviour. Having said I dont ever comment except in a positive way to my youngest who is the only one who now sees him in any case. He is trying hard with her and I simply say how great that is.

bodgejob · 20/02/2009 14:39

Hi there, I am in exactly the same boat as everyone here . After a year of being seperated my ex has now started to use our 4yr old Ds as means to get to me.

He was emotionally abusive, frequently calling me rude names such as nutjob, sraghead etc. He was always "joking"

Well now he is calling my son names such as big dope, soft arse , ginger nut . This always happens when he comes to collect kids and is in front of me. Am sure it is purely to get a rise out of me. My son finds it very confusing that daddy calls him these names and gets very angry with him.

I did tell ex that it upsets Ds very much when he calls him these names and for him not to do it in which he apologised only to repeat the offending behaviour on the
next visit.

I dont know.I try to explain to son that daddy shouldn't say things which upset him and then move on with something more lighthearted but conlict between them is now a worry for me . I can't brush it off because it breaks my heart and he knows it.
It is very difficult when they use the children.

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