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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

what to do when dc refuses to see exdp (dc dad)

48 replies

elmoandella · 09/02/2009 18:55

ds (3 in few weeks) refused point blank to get out car on sunday for his visit to see his dad at the old house.

tired to introduce everything slowly. first few times on own with exdp, i would meet him and we would swap them in car. ds has had 1 previous visit where he's dropped directly off to house. but this time he freaked out.

he had a blinking problem with his eyes before we moved that i thought wa poor eyesight. only for it to disappear when we moved house and ds was no longer witness to arguements or bad atmosphere.

i dont want to upset him and cause him to start twitching again.

since the move he's been a completely different child. more outgoing in all aspects.

exdp is a very lazy father. doesn't change dd nappy(18month), and either just sits them infront of tv with toys while he sleeps.

or else he'll drag them round the houses and his shops visiting lots of people.

ds is not great at the best of time when in company of people he doesn't know well.

he often goes in "shutdown " as we call it and will completely ignore visitors who come into the house or when he goes to visit others.

this was greatly improving since we moved house. however.... since he's started having regular access with his father without me being present it has returned... i'm just waiting on the twitching and eye problems starting again.

has anyone else come accross anything similar.

sorry its so long.

oh and dd couldn't care less. she's a social butterfly

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Original poster

elmoandella · 12/02/2009 16:22

went to see him today as we ordered a birthday cake (place beside ex shop)

we had words without arguing. he's going to take them to deep sea world this sunday

OP posts:

HOLLY23 · 12/02/2009 20:37

oh well thats something positive, hope he sticks to it.

Original poster

elmoandella · 12/02/2009 22:26

me too. hoping for both ex and ds they can resolve this and enjoy each others company. although he did shout "ffs! look at the f*ing mess you've made" when ds spilled his chips today in car.

i hate the way he lashes out verbally at them sometimes.

OP posts:

Original poster

elmoandella · 12/02/2009 22:27

me too. hoping for both ex and ds they can resolve this and enjoy each others company. although he did shout "ffs! look at the f*ing mess you've made" when ds spilled his chips today in car.

i hate the way he lashes out verbally at them sometimes.

OP posts:

HOLLY23 · 13/02/2009 06:00

Yeah that isn't nice, doesn't sound like he's very good with DCs tbh. Does he actually want to see them at all? Poor DS sounds like he needs a lot of nurturing so can't imagine him and ur XP will ever have a close relationship.

glitterfairy · 13/02/2009 07:07

Elmo no wonder he doesnt want to go if he is talked to like that.

How long will you give it to x to work it out before/if you decide to agree with ds?

Original poster

elmoandella · 13/02/2009 14:58

no idea. we'll see how they get on. but if he doesn't want to go from now on i'm not forcing him. will only make matters worse if i force him

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 13/02/2009 16:37

I agree. I hope it goes well though and X makes an effort.

Original poster

elmoandella · 15/02/2009 18:54

well today exdp got them at 9am as usual. then wanted me to collect at 11am and drop them off at 3pm and collect at 5pm so he could go to football.

told him it wasn't on as he needed to spend time with his ds and i wasn't doing all that running about as had plans. sunday is only time he sees them that is planned.

so he agreed. then called at 10am to say his grown up daughter was coming to watch them while he went to footy. i told him that sunday was his day and his responsibility what he does and who watches them(leaving him to make decisions about HIS children so i'm not seen to be telling him what he can and cant do)

i called at 4pm when i was passing home and asked if he wanted to drop them at mine or i could collect on way home.

he had only just got home.so spent a grand total of 1hr with them today. i got there to find he was only just giving them something to eat. all they had since breakfast was the packet of crackers i gave in bag and carton of whole milk i left.

OP posts:

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 15/02/2009 19:00

I think I was on your other thread but anyway: if he is this neglectful (letting them go hungry, leaving a child in a dirty nappy for hours) I would honestly be inclined to stop contact and sort out a reliable babysitter for when you need time off (of course you need time off, everyone does).

Coldtits · 15/02/2009 19:02

he sounds rather neglectful, to be honest, and I would be allowing ds to make his own decisions about whether he wants to go or not.

Original poster

elmoandella · 15/02/2009 19:07

but how do i do that without coming out as the evil bitch who stopped him seeing his children?

they had something to eat. not great but it was something. and i went to tesco and dropped a bag of snacks and nappies for next visit on way home today.

dd nappies were changed today but thats because she did 2 poo's so it had to be done as she'd be stinking

OP posts:

Coldtits · 15/02/2009 19:13

Report your concerns to the health visitor, and let her tell him. If he's doing nothing wrong (as he will probably insist) she'll have no reason to speak to him will she? ANd if he is doing something wrong - you'll have it officially documented that you raised concerns.

Original poster

elmoandella · 15/02/2009 19:20

but what will health visitor do? will she actually speak to him

health visitors in my area are only really there for weighing and checking general health? do they do more? they tell us nothing at our clinics about what anyone does.

OP posts:

Leo9 · 15/02/2009 19:31

i'd tell him that I wasn't happy with the quality of contact or how he was treating them. If it was me, with him treating them this way, personally I would want him seeing them at first in a contact centre so that he only gets say two hours at a time, but those hours HAVE to be focussed on the children, and child centred, and also the kids know that they are in a nice safe place with other kids and their dad will actually pay them some attention. you can organise this via a solicitor.

You may not want to take this option right now but it's worth thinking about; if you feel you need to protect your ds more from the situation if it becomes worse.

Original poster

elmoandella · 15/02/2009 19:41

well when i got there ds was asking to go see sharks as he had been told thats what they were supposed to be doing.

exdp told him they would definately go next sunday. i shall give him the chance to see what he does.thats if ds wants to go??

we have avoided solicitors so far. really dont want to go down that route.

and he will insist i am lying? how do they decide i'm telling truth and not just making up that he's giving them such poor quality of time with him?and taking poor care?

OP posts:

N1 · 15/02/2009 23:41

I would avoid involving the health visitor. They might keep records and then accuse you of not doing anything and also neglecting your child. Some health visitors are helpful, some are not. You don't know which are good and not.

The younger child is not going to be in nappies for ages and the time is not to long. The situation is not ideal but not life threatening either.

Getting the nappies and giving them to the father is about the best you can do.

Original poster

elmoandella · 16/02/2009 07:47

i am tempted to send them with packed lunches. but this really just promotes his lazyness. he should be able to russle up something for them himself.it's not exactly hard to stick some gammon between 2 slices of bread or call for a pizza?? he owns chip shops ffs. surely he can cook for custoemrs all day he can make his own kids lunch/dinner

OP posts:

HOLLY23 · 16/02/2009 08:50

He should cook for the DC's but if your concerned their not eating properly when their with him then perhaps you should make a packup for them, I would tbh.

HOLLY23 · 16/02/2009 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cestlavielife · 16/02/2009 14:56

health visitors can do a lot including sending parents to parenting classes!

what you are doing is caring for your ex as well as your children, and he will just rely on you more and more.

if you going to provide nappies, food, toys - why should he do anything?

he isnt going to step up to his repsonsibilities ...but as is only a few hours maybe let it go? but not increase.

Original poster

elmoandella · 16/02/2009 16:04

i definately wont be increaing his time.

OP posts:

N1 · 17/02/2009 00:19

Not increasing the time does sound sensible.

Sending a packed lunch will solve the eating problem - if the father doesn't eat the children's food for them.

A health visitor can suggest a parenting course, but no one can send a parent who doesn't want to go, or can't be taught anything.

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