what to do when dc refuses to see exdp (dc dad)

[elmoandella]

ds (3 in few weeks) refused point blank to get out car on sunday for his visit to see his dad at the old house.

tired to introduce everything slowly. first few times on own with exdp, i would meet him and we would swap them in car. ds has had 1 previous visit where he's dropped directly off to house. but this time he freaked out.

he had a blinking problem with his eyes before we moved that i thought wa poor eyesight. only for it to disappear when we moved house and ds was no longer witness to arguements or bad atmosphere.

i dont want to upset him and cause him to start twitching again.

since the move he's been a completely different child. more outgoing in all aspects.

exdp is a very lazy father. doesn't change dd nappy(18month), and either just sits them infront of tv with toys while he sleeps.

or else he'll drag them round the houses and his shops visiting lots of people.

ds is not great at the best of time when in company of people he doesn't know well.

he often goes in "shutdown " as we call it and will completely ignore visitors who come into the house or when he goes to visit others.

this was greatly improving since we moved house. however.... since he's started having regular access with his father without me being present it has returned... i'm just waiting on the twitching and eye problems starting again.

has anyone else come accross anything similar.

sorry its so long.

oh and dd couldn't care less. she's a social butterfly

Hi Elmo, how old is DS?, have your tried talking to XP about this? XP should really focus on doing something the DCs will enjoy rather then dragging them out around shops and houses, they must get bored and DS obviously thrives better in a closed environment where there aren't too many strangers around? What chance is there of being able to discuss this with XP, surely he doesn't want the twitching to return either?

sorry just realised you put down DS is 3!

his response was its too cold to do anything fun

But thats crazy! He can games with them, he could sit down with them and watch a DVD that DCs would enjoy. They can go for walks (all wrapped up of course!) How often do the DCs see their dad? any chance you can cut it down until the weather improves?

they only see him on the sunday morning just now.dd is fine. she will keep going.

he has dvd but he either sleeps or will only watch his italian tv they dont understand.

he doesn't "do" games.

and says he can t cop wioth the 2 of them going out for day to anywhere like zoo unless i'm there to control them

Bloody hell you're joking, so does he actually want to see them? Mind you I shouldn't be surprised, my XH couldn't cope with our DCs when they were younger, always got so flustered! Its just a shame your XP can't see the effect his behaviour has on your DS, perhaps he's better off staying at home with them until DS is that little bit older as I'm sure its just a phase and will pass.

sleeping while in charge of two children under five ought to be an offence.... they could do anything! (my ex did that too...)

a few hours on a sunday morning watching tv should not be too much of an issue tho - so long as they kept clean and fed.

wonder if more to it than that tho?

eg it confuses him going back to old house?

the "i cant cope" is familiar too... (my ex is spanish..)

is there someone else who could go too? (tho that takes away the ex's responsiblity) .

we've tried to take it really slow with going back to old house. trying to do it in a way that ex took them and we explained that was ex house only now.

i dont mind watching tv. it's just something thats happening is obviously not what ds can handle. perhaps he will have to actually do things with him from now on until he gets house sold. then perhaps ds will be better if going to a different house to see him..... or perhaps worse.

Perhaps - as an idea, you might take the 3 year old shopping and get him a back pack, then get coloring in books and pens, stamps and a stamp pad, etc. Then send the child to the dad with activities that he can do himself. Sometimes a 12 piece puzzle might keep him interested for a while if he can build the puzzle and put it into something to show you that he did it.

I agree that it shouldn't be your responsibility to keep the children entertained, but if you don't, then it looks like no one will.

n1 - i left a whole range of toys for him in his dads house. everything from ships to lego ride on bikes.

but i might do that with a bag and let him pack his snacks and a few bits and pieces with him. perhaps a favourite dvd. then he can dement exdp with watching that as he will know where it is.i think exdp tells him there's no dvd's so he can watch his italian rubbish on tv

Elmo - shame about the dvd thing unless is possible to buy a portable DVD player? In any case letting him take the things he currently enjoys playing with is a good idea as it will hopefully keep him busy.

i feel really sorry sending him too. as he doesn't wan to be there. and i'm not suprised. all he does is give him a hard time.

shouts at him if he gets messy with food or drink. shouts at him if he doesn't make it to the toilet in time. shouts at him when he makes a mess with toys. and constantly wans them to put away toys as soon as they get them out.

he's only 3 in few weeks. of course he's going to get dirty,make a mess and have the odd accident. but exdp feels he should be spotless,quiet and not fight with his sister.......which is pretty much impossible.

was cafacass invovled with this agreement or was it mutual?

can you speak to your health visitor about this? if affecting his well being then i think you should.

maybe she can get parenting classes for your ex!

Hi Elmo

my ds2 is older than your DSs but he is telling me that he doesn't want to stay at daddys anymore.

I get the impression that he and new p are on his back all the time and trying to prove a point by imposing ultra strict discipline on him.

He was made to wait over an hour and half for his lunch (they ate theirs)last time because "he had been disobedient" (exhs words).

Of course he should be disciplined but he told me that one of the offences was not putting his sock on!!

I have explained about difft rules in difft houses and that he has to go and see daddy (for the limited time he does see him) and also to give me a short break.

But I feel quite upset that he is not looking forward to time spent with exH. Its very hard.

They have also made comments about his weight in front of him which I am not happy about. Plus new P poked his tummy and told him he needed to lose it. He is a bit overweight but I don't want an issue made of it.

It's very hard isn't it. Am not looking forward to the next time he is meant to stay there.

Have just sent exH a rather stiff email.

Probably won't change a thing but made me feel better.

it was mutual. and we've remained quite amicable throughout the split even though exdp has done some pretty infuriating things i've managed to keep it on speaking terms. i think if i were to speak to health visitor exdp would start being difficult.

had words with him today about taking them to deep sea world. as it's somewhere enclosed where dc cant excape and it's nearby. but exdp response was it would "depend on weather".....its indoors ffs.

If he doesnt want to go alone can you go with them again?

If your x cant make the effort and your ds hates things then I think his feelings should be respected and you will both have to think of other ways he can see his dad.

As I have said many times in my opinion this should always be up to the kids.

I think let him get on with it - he's not mis-treating them, he's being idle and disengaged from them - he needs to 'find' his relationship with them, and you pointing out his deficiencies and prompting him will just allow him to shrink further into 'teenage shirker' mode.

Provided your children are safe, his time with them is his, and if he doesn't make the most of it, the only one to suffer will be him. Kids won't be hurt by a bit of boredom and confinement - he's probably just slipping into old patterns of baiting you and waiting to be nagged, if he's been infuriating in the past. Don't live up to his expectations - let him get on with it, sink or swim. You'll soon get some resolution on the matter - if DS is rebelling and xDP doesn't get the expected "You're so crap" lecture, maybe he'll step up to the plate and actually form a relationship with his children.

Best of luck.

going with is not really an option.we just end up arguing as he will pick a fight.

Going with is not a good idea. You can accept that being there is not the best idea, so second best is giving the children something to take with them and that something comes back after. You can ask the child(ren) to draw you a boat or a windmill or a house with flowers and a garden - have a talk abouit it, then the child has a "task" if his dad does nothing.

You can't take the child away - fairly, but you can arm the child with activities, which develope into skills which the child can apply in later life if he gets bored in the same place or in another place.

You are lucky to be able to send toys and lego to your ex for the children to play with. If I send anything to my ex for my son, it gets put up and out the way, incase a younger child gets hold of it, but my son can't play with toys he wants to play with because ex is to preoccupied looking after herself, and children need to fit around her.

snigger - my worry about just leaving him to get on with it, is the "twitching" will begin again and ds retreat back into his shell that he's only just come out of since we moved.

we had always considered him to be a nervous child. but as he improves everyday he's away from the old house and enviroment he improves. we had a huge step forward yesterday. someone in PO que said hello....in the past he would have completely ignored a stanger and started blinking constantly till the person left. he would completely draw a blank as if the stranger never exsisted. yesterday he actually had a chat(well more of a disagreement) with this stranger.

and it's not just stranger. he wouldn't talk to my friends or their children. nowadays he charges in and doesn't shut up.

and this change of behaviour happened within the first week of moving. the blinking was instant. from the first day we moved it has never happened again.

i haven't said anything about exdp behaviour when he watches them till the incident on sunday. i have let him get on with it. even when he baits me and moans he cant feed them lunch as its "too hard" and didn't change nappy as dd "wasn't complaining" (8hrs same nappy so full it was half way down her legs and soaked through to her clothes)

i dont rise to it. simply respond "its only hard if you make it hard"

but after sunday i've had few words about him taking them somewhere and doing something fun. and to stop taking them to all his friends and shops where friends and staff deal with them while he does what he fancies.told him it's fine to go see 1 set of friends or the shop. but elmo cant deal with seeing too many different strangers on the one day.and he's seen so little of these people before that they are strangers.

perhaps i'm being unreasonable and he can take them to see he wants. but surely if its upsetting ds then i have to say something

Elmo I dont think you should interfere at all with contact it really is up to x what he does with the kids and frankly if he cant make it work that is really his problem. You are not protecting your kids but him if you interfere.

As I have said the consequences of him not stepping up and being a good parent may be that your kids refuse to see him but if you start to try and mould contact time that will only make your x blame you in the end.

As for the tick I think that is a problem and wonder if it could be anything to do with x or his friends. It sounds as though he stops it when he is not in contact and I would keep a really careful eye on it because it might be a sign that things are really wrong between x and ds or ds and x's friends.

its possibly ex. he's a gambling addict. comes home from casino/poker at 7am. goes to work at 9am 5 days a week. friday home at 3am. sat 5am.

due to lack of sleep and losing money his mood can be very.........?? difficult, shall we say.

majority of his friends are involved in this too.

I bet you have looked out for him for ages though and looked after him. When it comes to your kids it is hard to give up on that and to stop worrying about whether or not they are ok.

Part of this process is that of letting go and just saying it is not for long and what he does in that time is really his business. If ds doesn't want to go as a result just tell him why but dont ask him to change his ways or give helpful suggestions it is never ever taken in the way it is meant.

Elmo, seems a real shame and can understand you wanting to protect DS, its harder because he's so young as well, hopefully he'll learn to cope with this in his own way. Perhaps when he's with you its case of working on his confidence, congratulating him when he does come out his shell a bit, that sort of thing, and then hopefully this new found confidence will spill into when your ex has him.