how do you cope with an ex who is quite frankly crap at childcare

[offerdilemma]

It occurred to me last week that exh is actually ds's playmate, not really a caregiver. Ds is 2.

I really worry about ds when exh has him for the day (not having him overnight yet thankfully). Examples include:
going all day without a nap (ds is AWFUL when he returns him) - he sleeps with exh in his bed in the daytime as he doesnt have a cot for him
Returning him unfed - last week he took him out and got a phone call at 6 saying he was going to be late and it turned out he hadnt even had his tea yet (usually eats at 4.30). This has happened twice.
Not washing him before he goes to bed - he puts him to bed round mine in the week and he never seems to wash his bum before he puts him down. Sometimes he doesnt even change his nappy.
Not dressing him for the weather - taking him out in the freezing cold without a coat on or with a coat (more recently) but no hat / mittens. ds's hands get FREEZINg even with mittens on.

So what can I do about it?

I think you have to pick what is important. (DH isalso playmate to dd)

Sleeping in exh's bed - not important. Not washing - probably not important occasionally.

No hat - probably not important if not out for too long (dd totally refuses to wear one).

Not changing nappy - not the end of the world if not dirty or wet.

Not feeding - important because it will make ds miserable.

Can you send ds with a number of snacks that he really likes and will ask exh for when hungry?

Could you send him in a coat with a hood and mittens on a string already in the coat? DD is 2 and will try and put pn mittens when cold if they are accessible. Exh would surely help ds if he saw him trying?

It must be so hard not to want exh to do things your way (I find that with dh and he is not even ex!) Maybe just be happy he loves ds and wants to play with him? But then I don't know anything about your family.

i know hoe you feel - ive just handed dd over to ex for a day ) first time really since we split up. hes taken her to see his parents 70 miles away.
Poor girl has got an ear infection - but has perker right up or i wouldnt have let her go. I tried to tell him about her medicine when he came to the door and he just snapped 'WHAT' at me, then denied saying it saying i made it up - wtf???? luckily i wrote all the instructions down and put it in with her meds. I know its very very important for dd so see him - she was so excitied. I on the other hand am sat here in tears.

Does your ex know your sons routine?
Would he pay attention if you wrote it down for him?
It cant be much fun for DS or for your ex if he doesnt nap all day and is very grumpy all afternoon. Perhaps your ex doesnt realise how to get him to sleep or how to know when he is tired?

Could you do a packed lunch and like racingsnake says put mittens attached to his coat?
Also a list of what DS does and when (eat, sleep etc) and tell your ex that if he follows the list as closely as he can then DS will be happier and less grumpy by the end of the day.

I think the trick will be somehow to tell him without it looking as if you are telling him. That's why I thought of trying to get it to come from ds (as in if he has gloves and says 'gloves on hands cold', exh will probably do it. If you say it, probably not.

none of these things are going to harm your DS really. once he has had him more often he will pick up on the fact that Ds is hungry/cold/tired and he will get into his own routine.

if your worried then mention to him that ds usually does xyz at such and such a time. but try not to make it sound as though its a criticism./ he is spending time with him and making an effort...its a lot more than some

thanks for your advice. I guess he is just less experienced in looking after ds than me. Its the lack of washing, dressing for the weather and the missed lunches thatbother me.
So when he had him at the weekend, I put ds's gloves in his pockets (and told ds), left a sandwich and some fruit in his bag, and suggested he gave ds a bath. All 3 problems solved.
I do feel annoyed that I feel I have to be one step ahead so as not to offend xh and make sure ds is looked after ok, but I guess as he takes ds more often he will get better at it..

thanks for your advice everyone